Reasons enough for divorce?

[PeaPeaEeByGum]

I almost made up my mind to seek divorce and my husband thinks of it too but I struggle because although I am unhappy it is not like I am being abused or treated violently.

The problems I have are:

Lack of sex, he lost interest in me many years ago and after numerous attempts to get the spark back, all made by me, I gave up. I dont fancy him anymore.

He is a workaholic, I benefit from this financially, but he will never compromise work for us, no matter what. There are numerous times he has put work first even when I was ill, bereaved, having operations.

Lack of support around the home, he will do some things but will wash up badly or leave things half done. I work as well but it wears me down that he knows he doesn’t have to tidy things away, wipe up after eating whatever it is because ultimately I am there to pick up after him.

I am not allowed to ask/moan about the above as he thinks I am a nag and that I should be grateful with whatever attempt he has made. Sometimes I feel like his mother.

He sulks and rolls his eyes at me, walks out of rooms when I am talking to him if he is too busy or not liking the conversation. I am never allowed to be cross with him if he has let me down and if I do show my irritation the problem is mine and not his.

He frequently doesn’t tell me about arrangements he has made (work or personal) which leaves me scrabbling around for childcare at last minute. I resent the lack of courtesy to realise how what he does affects the rest of the family.

He makes decisions about what we spend large sums of money on without mentioning it to me as I think he feels like it is his money and he earns the majority of it.

We never do anything together unless I arrange it. He leaves most of the mental load to me and will frequently ask me the same questions over and over despite me giving him the information he needs. Or he’ll ask me something that I’m just going to have to search up on the internet instead of looking himself. I feel like his secretary and get overwhelmed with the responsibility of remembering everything for several peoples lives.

All of these things I have asked him to change, adapt, communicate more over the years but nothing has changed.

On the flip side he is a good dad (when not working), financially generous and we get on well as friends on the whole.

Is this just how a marriage is? Am I expecting too much? I feel like life would be simpler and more enjoyable if I wasn’t with him as when he goes away I am much happier and don’t get nasty surprises dropped in my lap.

This is not how a healthy marriage is, and you can get divorced for any reason you want to. You have many valid reasons.

Yes, you have enough reasons to leave this marriage.

What would he be saying if he was posting on here ?

No, it's not just how marriage is and you're not expecting too much. He sounds very selfish. Sounds like he likes the label of being married and having children but doesn't want to put in the work.

@GinisLife

He would say that he works hard because he is under pressure to provide for us but I believe that he gets a huge amount of satisfaction from his job and we don’t need the money. He often says that work will calm down next month/next year/after X event but in reality he works more than ever.

He would say he tries his best with house work and I am ungrateful.

He has never been forthcoming with an explanation as to why he stopped fancying me though I have asked. He says that he does fancy me but there is no reason as to why he doesn’t initiate sex/intimacy.

I’m not sure what else really. I think he is happier with status quo than I am!

You don't need a reason to divorce - "i want a divorce" is reason enough!

Wow, I could have written your post word for word. This is exactly my situation, which I why a couple of weeks ago I told my husband I wanted to separate.

I feel sure I'll be happier without him and less stressed and I'm sure you will be too.

Good luck

@Sittingonthefence83 and good luck to you.

We are supposed to be going for counselling but I felt more relief when we discussed splitting.

Well, I absolutely think you have more than enough reasons for divorce. The lack of sex, sulking and eye rolling, lack of responsibility around the house.. putting his work above everything else,. Not being there when you need him.... I'm depressed just reading this.

I'm assuming financially he is doing well but then spends large amounts of money without even discussing it? We have a rule, anything over £100 is a discussion. Usually a short one but it's still there. Honestly, you are his secretary, cleaner, childcarer and more but you don't even have sex, you don't fancy him and I don't blame you. Take your half of the assets and go and built a more joyful life because this sounds absolutely soulless.

It sounds like you are in a similar situation to that that I was in. I settled for the nice house and lifestyle, but eventually he left me meaning I was middle aged and alone. Don't make the same mistake, you deserve to be happy. That said don't rush, get all your affairs in order including retraining for work if needed whilst you have financial security - whilst my ex has been generous, Mumsnet has taught me many men aren't especially when their wives leave them.

It sounds like he doesnt support you practically emotionally or sexually. The only thing going for him is his money which isn't in fact shared equally with you anyway. I think that's more than enough reason.

I really thought I was going to be flamed for my petty moaning although I guess there is still time for that!

You only need to give your own self permission to leave.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. He is patently not a good dad to his children if he treats you as the mother of his children like this.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?. Would you want them to have a relationship like described; no you would not. Its not good enough for you either. You want an unhappy and or otherwise a seemingly loveless marriage or relationship to be their norm too, no you would not.

I would push on with separating from him completely and obtaining legal advice re same.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You get on well as friends?. Think that is you trying and failing to find any positives here. What you're describing here is a really poor marriage in which he holds the vast majority of, if not all, of the power and control.

How is he financially generous towards you exactly?. He is not is he.
He seems very controlling of money actually because he regards that as his and his alone.

Re your comment:-

"He makes decisions about what we spend large sums of money on without mentioning it to me as I think he feels like it is his money and he earns the majority of it."

This is yet another example of his overriding selfish nature.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Sulking as well is also a form of emotional abuse; he's not above doing that to you either to get his own way and to regain power and control.

A couple of your reasons are mine too, lack of sex and spending large amounts, and I’ve consulted a solicitor and been told I can divorce.
Has the resentment set in yet ?
You are an independent person who deserves to live as you want.
Think - do you want to live like this for another 5, 10, 20 years ?
Get your ducks in a row just in case 💐

@AttilaTheMeerkat my parents worked very much as a team until my mother died and then as I was oldest I became the mother In many ways. I think that’s partly why I resent being a dogsbody so much as I’ve had a lifetime of it!

I think I was very much used to compromising whereas he is very happy not to.

It’s the eye rolling I can’t stand.

I think I want to go. It terrifies me but I do think my life would be easier and happier on the whole.

In terms of the financial generosity I am pretty much allowed to have anything I want. So if I ask for something he will let me buy it. (I’m ashamed to type that). I don’t tend to ask for massively expensive stuff as it’s not who I am. But if I want a spa day or something he will ‘let’ me.

They sound like very similar reasons to why I divorced, we now get on much better as co-parents and friends. Do what makes you happy, I am 100% happier on my own

The eye rolling and the fact he walks away from you mind conversation are clear signs of contempt in my opinion, and horrible to live with.

The fact you aren't allowed to be cross, or that you are called a nag whenever you try to talk about housework and that he isn't telling you of his plans so you have to Scrabble around with childcare....these are all signs of invalidation and boundary crossing. Constantly. It would drive me crazy to live with someone like that, it really would.

I would get a little counselling because nobody in their right mind would flame you for leaving this relationship. I'm glad you're thinking about leaving it. This isn't a healthy relationship and you aren't being treated well at all.

I think you would be a lot happier without him!
You can't even ask him to tidy up properly (and you shouldn't have to ask) without being called a nag. This would infuriate me.

Is this just how a marriage is?

Oh, lovely, this is so sad.

No, it's not how marriage has to be.

It is, however, what marriage to him is like.

It's really not up to another human being to 'let' you do things. It is up to you to decide whether you want to continue with this marriage.

Do you have proof of his earnings? An initial meeting with a solicitor would provide you with useful information in what you could expect it you split up.

*Mid conversation