I've spoken about the childhood abuse my siblings and I went through as children on previous threads so I won't go into that here. My abusive F is long dead, so there aren't obvious safety issues surrounding contact with my DM.
My DB was involved in abusing my DSis and me, though he was also abused himself and is badly damaged. I haven't allowed contact between him and our adopted DDs (now 11 and 8) and my DM has respected this when she's had them on her own.
However, she is very manipulative. She keeps going on about how hard my DB has found not having contact with my DSis and me, and she's pushing hard for me to start seeing him again, as he's feeling very hurt and rejected.
This is also tricky, as he claims not to remember anything and has always put our F on a pedestal, though he is coming to understand that our memories of our childhood are different from his. His GP and psychiatrist say that he shouldn't be told anything more for his own sake.
Another thing that's getting to me is that she also wants to work towards contact with my DDs and has insisted on buying presents for them from the uncle they barely know. But actual contact would also be very tricky, because DD2 (8) has picked up that our F was abusive; she blurted out the question 'Did your dad rape you? So that would be very difficult to manage anyway.
I've kept up contact with my DM because I considered that my DDs had a relationship with her as Granny and would be hurt if contact was stopped. That's no longer the case after lockdown. They say they don't want to go out with her on their own now.
My DSis is saying that she wants to cut contact, because if my F was alive, contact wouldn't be happening. She also thinks my DM knew what was going on, something she has always strenuously denied. My DSis has memories of her knowing about it and not doing anything. It's possible, as I went to a private convent school and didn't come home until the evenings, so she might know things I don't.
I don't know what to think. My DM claims to be broken-hearted about what happened. But then when I pointed out that my F's behaviour towards her was abusive, too (paranoia about her cheating, emotionally abusive and controlling), she defended him and said it was because of his Parkinson's Disease medication, and then the illness itself
And finally, my mental and physical health isn't good, especially following long-term COVID, which thankfully is clearing up. But I'm completely drained (I already had CFS and PTSD anyway), and I'm worried that seeing my DB will set me right back if I see my DB face to face, as I always found seeing him very triggering.
But my DM will keep pushing my buttons. I feel I need to pull back, but she's about to turn 81 and the guilt will be hard to live with. My DM used to spend 2-3 months every year in Africa, which she won't be doing now, because of the COVID risk, so that means she's going to be around permanently.
I apologise that this is so long, but I didn't want to mislead by not giving the full picture.
I suppose I just want a hand hold here, as I am emotionally fragile right now, and don't want to make the wrong decision here.