Toxic relationship, feel sick with fear

[RossCan]

Im so fucking stupid, i keep listening to other people when i should just do what i right for me.

I had a party that i was invited to but i didnt really want to go but as i was specifically invited by the guest i felt obliged. OH eventually agree to me going an that i go with LO.

We have a pretty toxic relationship where he will just change his mind everytime hes annoyed and just say you cant go or do such and such.

Anyway the day before he was just off with me and constantly trying to pick a fight. I yried not to retaliate, he went off to work and i blocked him on my phone because he has a tendency to send me long messages of hate through his nightshift. He came back in the morning and me and lo were still in bed but i could hear him making a cuppa, then out the front door. I went down started geting ready to for the party and we had go collect my dad who was invited too. I noticed that oh gym bag was gone so realised he went back to work to do over time.

Went to pick dad and he was up to his sly tricks and bacially wasting my time by being slow on purpose, i waited in the carwhile he spent another 30mins faffing.

Got to the party long story short it got to 6pm and i said to dad who looked like he was enjoying him self do you want to stay the night or dad knowing full well i wasnt going to stay, his reply 'oh well you dont tell me anything ' in that sly fucking arrogant tone he does like im to retarted to realise. I walked away because i didnt want to cause a scene. I then told host that i was going to leave soon( host is a family member), host seemed suprised and said i thought you were staying, i said whatever gave you that idea, i never said anything about staying the night. I began to sort LO out, hostcone over to me pleading to stay the night with dad, i was getting pissed and said i have to go home dad can stay I'll come back and collect in morning, even though it was a 3 hour journey. I got to the door to leave, and dad is stood there behind me, so i say why have you got your things your staying, by now a lot of the guests have heard the commotion and are looking, dad doesnt reply and another guest pleads with me to calm down and not to drive in such a state. So i went to the other room and another guest pleads with me to stay at this point im annoyed and say i have an OH and he is expecting me home they kept saying call him an ask so I reluctantly did but no answer (16 calls ),by now it was late so i ended up staying but OH still hasnt returned my calls or replied to messages, i know they've been sent two ticks.

Im stressing out

@picklemewalnuts they will come across like they are but really not, everyones in it for themselves mentality.

My DF is a whole other story, over 35 years of shit ive had to deal with from this man, and even though i try to keep my distance, he still sucks me in to his shit with his frail old man routine.

I have very few people in my life anyway so finding childcare had always been an issue.

Oh dear.

Well you can save yourself a lot of time and effort by having nothing to do with family- that saves all the waiting around for your dad, all the driving etc. They don't have your back.

Coming from a family that don't value and respect you is training for ending up in a relationship with a man who doesn't value and respect you.

Ditch them all, sort out childcare. You'll be happier and more stable.

@picklemewalnuts

Regardless of whatever happens when i get home, i know i need to block off my family, they are just to sly and selfish and only ever think about their own gain, each and everyone of them, even the ones i thought were nice.

You are right in saying lack of respect from family has got me on this shit relationship. I wish i was taught better i wish that i was given the confidence to know my own self worth. I loath myself for being the way i am

@Adwodeabo

This is not the time or place, go away. Government has stated that the rules are different for those in abusive relationships anyway so you’re wrong.

You can change.
Take control of your life.
If you want to leave your OH then start taking steps to work out how that would happen.
Do you want your LO growing up in this situation ?

OP please call women’s aid and talk this all through with someone, you deserve so much more than this

[quote RossCan]@Purplewithred

Im a working professional, if you walked passed me in the street you'd never expect my life to be this way. For me i feel highly embarrassed[/quote]
Yes so am I, well regarded in my work in a fairly key role working on crisis. My relationship was abusive and ended with him assaulting me. I had to text my boss to explain why I needed time off and why I couldn't do zoom meetings. Yes it is embarrassing but actually everyone is exceedingly understanding. I wrote an anonymous blog about leaving a violent relationship which was posted on my organisations intranet, Very senior women also came out saying they experienced the same thing and I was the second person my boss had supported through this. You are far from alone and people won't judge!

" i know i need to block off my family, they are just to sly and selfish and only ever think about their own gain, each and everyone of them, even the ones i thought were nice."

Is this what your 'partner' says? An abuser will poison you against your family because if you don't have them it makes you feel more dependent on him.
I hope at some point you get some clarity and the strength to leave him.

Remember when i said my dad would take the piss, so hes soaking his fucking feet in a fucking tub! I swear to god... you couldn't make this shit up. And i bet ya he still ain had breakfast yet even though hes been up till 6

@Thatnameistaken

Yes and no...but i still see them knowing full well what their like to keep face for their sake

It's a slow process, untangling what goes on in our heads- the Freedom Programme will help.

You know you are worth better.

You know where to get help.

You are nearly there, Ross. Just a few more steps.

What about your home, is it rented, owned? Can you afford it alone?

How old is your DC? Do you earn enough to hire childcare?

Just leave your dad there and go home.

Once home start the process of separating from your OH.

Good luck OP, you dont have to live like this x

We make enough for us as a small family of 3 but as an individual i dont earn enough well just scrape the threshold.

Even as a professional i dont earn what i should if your wondering

@lilsquish

I wouldnt hear the end of it if i left him there now, should have done it last night.

It sounds like you need to start putting you and your DC first. I second leaving your dad there if he doesn't get his act together for a specific time. So you say 'I'm leaving at 9' then if he isn't ready by then, leave.

Your relationship is toxic, your DH shouldn't dangle childcare over you to control you.
You need to start looking into supporting yourself without him. Do you own your home ? As a single mother you'd be entitled to financial help. It would be a lot less stressful to have reliable childcare in place, and be away from this man.

are you owned by these people? Are you not allowed to decide anything for yourself?

Do you realise that even if you have relationships with people, youre still allowed to make decisions and do the things you want to do. You dont actually have to answer to any of these fuckers

Lovey, you're never going to hear the end of it anyway, so fuck them all including your dad, and do what works for YOU.

I was a people pleaser as well, and i'd tie myself in knots trying to do the right thing for everyone, and win everyones approval. NEWS FLASH: It cant be done. Yes, your family and your OH will be horrified and angry when you start to stand up for yourself. I hung up the phone on my mum a few months ago, and afterwards i felt sick and cried. I'd never hung up on my mum in 47 years. But, the world didnt end. She didnt die and neither did i.

You CAN find your strength, and re-assert yourself. You've got this. for you.

Bless you, OP. You've had a hard time. It will get better. You need to plan, though.
Have you checked what the benefit situation would be for you, if you were single? And how old is your LO?

Stop obsessing about your Dad’s feet and spend your energy making a plan.

How old is your child? How long till they get funded nursery etc?
Can you afford any childcare once you are back at work?

If the answer is “not yet but yes in six months” then I would spend the next few months getting stuff in order ready to leave. Research nurseries. Put their name down. Look into smaller rentals for the two of you. Save every bit of cash you can. Get your paperwork in order. Ask your boss how you might progress in your professional job to earn a bit more money. Look for other opportunities.

You can change this, but only if you want to.

@funnylittlefloozie

Yes im a bit of a people pleaser but i can never get it right, theres always someone complaining. Feel exactly the same about my dad, always guilt tripping me saying in going to die soon blah blah blah same old shit.

Thank you appreciate the push

Thank you everyone for some really great advice. Its really has given me comfort,support and motivation. Really appreciate it

You mention a child, what affect is this having on them? I would suggest contacting a counsellor, discuss all of this with a professional who will help you unpick this toxic relationship, and begin the process of finding who you are and what it is you want to do, not what OH, your dad or relatives, want or tell you to do.

Sometimes people do you a favour Ross, and behave so badly that you are freed from any future obligation. I think that's where you are right now- free to plan a life that suits you and your DS and let the rest of them shift for themselves!

Good luck!