Moving my mother

[Thistledew]

My mother had said for years that when my father died she would move out of the house in which they lived for nearly 45 years. It is inevitable that this had to happen as her declining mobility and eyesight means that she is now really struggling with living in a large and very rural house and she needs to be in a bungalow much closer to amenities.

She gave herself a year in the house after my father's death, during which time she has made something of a start in clearing out the accumulated 'things', including several hundred books. She eventually put the house on the market last October, but didn't get a buyer for it. The house and gardens are in need of significant modernisation and it is quite a quirky property in a very rural area.

Because of changes that have come about due to the pandemic, DH and I, and our 2 DC have moved in with mum and we have recently completed on the sale of our house. The plan is that we will buy mum out of her house and take it on ourselves. She will buy a bungalow as planned.

Due to completing on our sale, we have had to empty our house and move our stuff up with us. Most of our things are now filling the outbuildings at mum's house, but some things, like the rest of our clothes, DC's toys and dry food (e.g. flour, rice, pasta, spices etc) has had to come indoors. It hasn't been at all easy moving these things into a house that is already full of the contents of its occupier, so there is a lot of shuffling round to do to make space.

I appreciate that this is incredibly tough for mum. We are invading her space and taking it over with our things. She is getting squeezed out of the home she shared with dad for nearly 45 years. She also has a lot of emotional baggage from a childhood in which she moved 13 times in 12 years and was permitted only to take a small case of clothes and toys with her each time. So the idea of moving out is a huge thing for her.

But it is a really painful process for us to support her to take the first little steps that she needs to do in order to move. The house is full of stuff, despite her having taken a year to clean things out. She is not quite a hoarder, in that she isn't obsessive, but she does struggle with getting rid of things that might have a little life in them just yet, and the drawers still bulge with things. There is way more stuff than will be able to fit into a bungalow.

We are trying to be as sympathetic as possible, but keep making mistakes and upsetting her by doing things that haven't been expressly agreed in minute detail. For example, DH upset her by starting work to reinstate a gate across the driveway to stop DC running out onto the road. We had discussed that the gate needed to go back up, and mum fully agreed with this, but then she got upset when DH started excavating the gatepost hole without first asking her if it was ok for him to do so.

I managed to upset her today: she had suggested to me that her food storage jars (for things like rice and flour) could be packed away once they were empty and we could use ours so that hers were ready to move. She went out today so I went through her jars: anything where the contents was out of date (by years, not just a month or two) I threw out and replaced with mine. If contents was in date I combined them and put mine up. If there was not room in my jars to do this, I left hers in place. I thought this was in line with her suggestions.

I was putting DC to bed when she came home and when I finished, I came down to her in a foul mood. She eventually complained that she was "shocked" that I had put some of my jars up and said that I should have asked her before taking hers down and packing them up. Apparently, I should have left hers in situ until the contents were all used before putting mine up to replace it. Quite when we would ever have used up the three years out of date packet of tapioca that no-one in this house now eats, I am not sure.

I get that this process is hard for her, and I'm trying my best to be sympathetic, so have started this thread for some moral support so that I can be as supportive to her as possible and can vent my frustration here!

I'm sure that there will be more frustrations to come. At some point we have to tackle her stationery drawers and I will have to point out to her that really she does not need 6 pencil sharpeners, and that she will not have room to take them all with her!

she had suggested to me that her food storage jars (for things like rice and flour) could be packed away once they were empty

See, I get that it's difficult for you all OP but it was clear to me when I read the above that she meant once things were finished...used up.

You waited till' she was out and then did the job.

I think some things need to be done more carefully. For example...packets of out of date tapioca....throw them out. Gradually.

Rather than just chucking it all...she thought it would be a slower process.

Do you think it's at all possible that she's changed her mind and doesn't want to leave the house? Perhaps she's hoping you'll all live there together?

I accept that we interpreted the process of switching the jars differently. As she had suggested switching mine for hers, to me it made sense to pack up any of hers that were ready or capable of being put away. She obviously meant something different, which would have involved hanging on to stuff that has no use or value and delaying the process of packing up.

She is obviously completely torn about moving. I think she likes the idea of having moved and wants the better quality of life that this will bring her, but finds the process of moving incredibly difficult. It seems that she likes the idea of change but it's a concept that will happen at some point in the future rather than a process she has to go through now.

It was quite tragically sweet the other day when she told me of a conversation she had with some friends about change. She told me how friend A had said that he doesn't like change, but she and friend B agreed that they do like change- and she relayed this to me whilst standing there wearing a dress that literally has great big tears in it, because why would she throw out an old favourite dress and wear one of the many decent ones she has when it is still possible to wear the old one? That's right mum, because it would involve changing your habits about what you wear!

I don't think she wants to stay here with us- or at least recognises that it is not practical. She struggles with the stairs and would be completely reliant on us for transport. Also, as soon as the DC get their toys out parts of the house become inaccessible to her as she can't manage to step over/ around them.

That does sound difficult. If such small things are causing problems, she is obviously very resistant to change but at the moment she is only faced with changes from the familiar
How far have you got with finding her a new place? Maybe if the bungalow becomes a reality, she would be able to see things as changes towards her new easier life.
Does she actually want you all to live together?

She has found somewhere that she likes. And she is already planning where she will put her furniture in it and how she will arrange some raised beds in the garden so she can grow vegetables.

Unfortunately, the property is over priced compared to others in the area and she will need to make an offer. She has done nothing to start the process of making an offer. She has only been emailing the agents to arrange viewings so has had no conversations with them to demonstrate that she is interested and has done nothing to put together a figure to make an offer.

I don't really know what to advise. I think you've made a mistake in moving in with her, it was never going to work.

I was badly burnt by trying to help elderly relatives move for similar reasons and every time something went wrong they blamed me for forcing them out of their old home.

I'd be seriously considering buying a different house.

To be honest, I'm pretty good at deflecting her barbs and negativity. Setting them out in this thread will help remind me that they are really a result of her difficulties in dealing emotionally with the move, and that if she weren't complaining about me doing X she would complain about Y. I can't see how she would get through this process otherwise, and it will be worth it in the end.

How would you go if you said "It's bin day tomorrow. Let's spend half an hour today popping things in" and start with stuff that is difficult to disagree with such as x years out of date foodstuffs. Then work up to something else (old magazines or something) and just make a weekly habit.

Is it your house now? Then you may have to be a little rude and just inform her (gently) that childproofing is going to happen!

I found things out of date by decennia at my mum's house. You can't argue with older people, especially not your parents, because they are set in their ways.
If the house needs a big overhaul, maybe you could consider buying somewhere else ? Somewhere with less history and emotions attached ?
It's very difficult, I know, but try and make it work for the time being.

Does your mother really want you to buy the house? And do you (and your husband) really want to buy it? Is it the best house you could get for your family?

Your mother will always see it as her house so she'll always be upset when you make changes ("I loved that colour on the walls" "Your dad and I chose those curtains together" "Well, I found it better to have the sofa on that wall"). Perhaps it would make for better relationships if you bought a different house and she sold to someone with whom she'd have no continuing interaction.

Have a think about it and talk to your husband and to her, make sure she doesn't feel she's being railroaded into moving, has thought about the implications and is capable of doing the necessary detachment.

My MIL declared a couple of years ago that she wanted to move to a bungalow. We helped her look for one but it became clear that a) bungalows are small and overpriced for the size that they are and b) she did not want to get rid of the volume of stuff that would be required to move to one. So in the end she moved to a smaller, modern house with a small manageable garden in a town. If she becomes unable to manage stairs we will get her a stairlift, and the house does have a downstairs toilet. And importantly, it has enough room for her to keep all her books and a lot of her treasured furniture. She's really happy there now and we all agree it was a good move.

So you might want to help her look for a modern, easy to manage house rather than a bungalow.

Also, I do feel for your DH. I'd find it 10 times harder living with my MIL than my DM, even though both are lovely - it's just a big strain with someone who's not your mother and has different ways of doing things. You do need to help her move as soon as practical.

I do feel for you OP...it's HARD. My MIL has been saying she wants to sell for the last year and doing nothing about it despite struggling financially.

She could sell her house and have plenty left to buy a smaller house but the issue is that it wouldn't be in her (million dollar) current suburb.

She can't afford to live there but won't make the change.

Her life would be SO much better with a smaller property. She could live closer to us ffs.

Instead she obsesses over the market, looks at houses and finds everything to be substandard.

OP instead of her moving out and buying somewhere else could you not use the money to build her an an annex? something she could manage to live in safely? It sounds to me like she really doesnt want to go or she just cannot face the upheavel...

She has today put in an offer on the bungalow. £5K over what I think she should have offered but that's her call. I would also have actually picked up the phone and spoken to the estate agent rather than do it via email, but I know she finds it difficult to build professional relationships in person.

Fingers crossed that it is accepted, or with not much upward negotiation as she hasn't left herself a great deal of wriggle room.

We did consider converting the outbuildings here to provide her with an annex, but she wanted more space than that would provide and she didn't like the idea of being wholly dependent on us for transport.

Fortunately, she is not one to hold a grudge so although I do anticipate that there will be a significant amount of negativity once DH and I start to make changes, she will get over it reasonably quickly. DH is prepared for this too and it was his instigation initially that led us to decide to take on this house. (If it weren't for the DC and for the pandemic, I would have been much happier to remain in London, but that's a whole other thread).

I was going to suggest one if those ready built garden annexes . They have plenty of space . And with the money she has left she could afford taxis if necessary ?