I'm in a horrible toxic relationship of 6 years. It started when I was pregnant with DD 4 years ago, he started ignoring my hormonal 'outbursts' and from there I became very mentally unwell, I believe in hindsight I had prenatal psychosis. When I would be in the full throes of an episode of it, shaking, crying, unable to breathe or sometimes blacking out, he would do nothing. He would sometimes actively make me feel worse or he would ait across from me and do nothing. Things improved a bit when DD was born, although he would ping-pong between being good to me and being emotionally absent. Everything changes when he's had a drink, it either gets better or it gets worse. Today he has been doing the dying Swan ritual as he has the cold i had a few days ago. I was really unwell and had a LOT to do with DD and the house and he didn't give a damn and just texted me once from work saying he was busy. But now that its him I've had to do everything today while he lay on the couch doing nothing (beds all stripped etc for 4 kids as bug going around the house) I asked him to watch DD for one minute til I hung my 5th load of washing up and he left her unattended so she got into her nappy and got poop everywhere (she has ASD he knows she does this) so on top of everything else I now have a sofa to wash. When I cried with frustration he verbally attacked me and said i was playing the martyr.
I want to leave and have been trying to save some money without him knowing. The problem is I can't actually work out how to afford to live on my own without him. My house is very expensive and woth that comes expensive bills and the food bill etc is huge with 4 kids. I done the calculation for universal credit and it won't cover more than half of my life. My kids really love their school and friends, and the homeless office said if I go homeless I will be in the worst area of town and they expect id be there for months and months. The woman on the phone told me off the record that she would try everything else before she would go homeless in my town. I feel so stuck i don't know what to do or what life will be like if I decide to leave. I don't work at the moment because I was studying for a career change when we got together and left due to stress when I waa pregnant and being treated like garbage day in day out. I don't know what childcare I would need for DD with her ASD or if I would be able to work around school etc, I have no family at all that would help me with that. Thank you for any replies, please be gentle this is a very sensitive subject for me.