More of a friendship issue and am hating how I'm feeling right now - what yould you do?

[Aero]

A good friend of mine (or so I thought) was meant to be coming to see us yesterday afternoon/evening. We waited.......and waited.....put the v v disappointed kids to bed and waited some more - my sister also came round because this friend was coming and they get on well, but by 9pm with no word from her and several messages left on her switched off mobile we went ahead with dinner (takeaway).
If she was reliable, I'd be very worried something had happened to her, but she has stood us up before on previous occasions. If she had phoned and made up any feeble excuse, at least I would have known not to expect her. Her mobile was back on this morning but it was red-buttoned when I called (I expect she can't face speaking to me yet).
I guess I really want to vent my anger, but I don't know if I can - what if something has happened?
I also feel pretty hurt - I wouldn't dream of doing this to anyone and if I just didn't want to go or 'something better' came up, I'd phone and let people know I wasn't coming!
Wondered what you'd do or how you'd feel in my position. Any advice? Have texted her and asked her to let me know if she's ok at least - no reply as yet....... Need mn's voices of reason here I think!

I think I'd feel the same as you, Aero. A blatant lack of courtesy is so upsetting. It doesn't matter what the excuse was, not to offer one at all is just downright rude. Even if it was something which couldn't be helped, it is a simple matter of politeness to contact people to let them know what happened and to offer apologies.

It smacks of deliberate rudeness, lack of respect and a generally uncaring attitude. I'd be livid and I'm not sure I'd want the friendship to continue.

That's exactly how I'm feeling Freckle and with three young children and enough on my plate as it is, I don't need this kind of friend in my life, but it saddens me enormously as we were pretty close before we moved here. I have supported her through difficult times (relationship break-up/mother's illness) and despite not living that close anymore and not physically seeing each other often now, we still care about each other's lives (or so I thought) and feel this is just an abuse of my friendship towards her.

I can understand that. It's happened to me in the past and I was dreadfully upset at the loss of the friendship. However, I think sometimes we have to accept that people move on and don't always want the same things out of friendships. This isn't a very nice way of doing it, but perhaps you should view the friendship in its current light rather than looking at it nostalgically.

As you say, you don't need this in your life.

Would it be worth telling her you were worried and upset and feel the least she could have done is called, Aero, as a kind of last chance saloon? Sounds like she's either very, very thoughtless or just bottled telling you for fear of upsetting you. Either way, unacceptably rude, IME and she really needs to be told that you were hurt by her behaviour. I do think people vary on how organised they are/how far in advance they think it's ok to cancel, etc. and if you can be flexible and understanding about that it's lovely (I always appreciate it when my friends do this for me), but there are limits.

Have sent text to ask if she's ok though not said directly about being worried. She's not answering her mobile though and hasn't replied! Has no landline! Am feeling like I want to cut the ties and feel sad about it, but still not 100% sure of what to assume 99% says she's done this before to us and also, we've been there when she's done it to someone else!
As yet, she has no family though I know she wants to settle down and have children of her own soon.

Also feel she's kind of ruined my weekend as I could do without these feelings as well as spending the afternoon yesterday waiting for her to turn up!! Wanted to do some nice things today, (baking being one of them) but am just not in the mood to now!

Also - I actually spoke to her yesterday morning and she said she was definately coming mid-late afternoon! This was arranged weeks ago.

Aero, I had a similar situation with a 'friend' some years ago. I can sympathise completely and you might find some advice that I was given quite helpful.

What do you like/love/admire about this person? Does it outweigh how you're feeling right now about her having let you down? I think you mentioned that she's done this sort of thing before. Does she have soem good points though that counter this bad one fo letting you down.

My 'friend' was such an energetic party animal who made me laugh, was always up for going somewhere, always inviting me places etc that i was able to say to myself "okay, she's terrible for letting me down and making excuses that really do not wash but I think that the [positives of our relationship outweigh the negatives" and so we're still friends now even 5 years later.

Sorry that was rather long winded but if you can understand the gist of it, it might help you to decide what to do.

Message withdrawn

A very good friend did a similar thing to me. She lives abroad, but when she comes to the UK to visit her family they stay in a hotel on their way back & we go to see them there.

last Christmas she said she was coming & we arranged it all for a particular date. I had a letter and an email just before, confirming the date & the hotel, & saying she'd ring on the day. The day came & no word. The evening came & I didn't know what to do. I don't have a mobile number for them & didn't know the name/number of the family they stay with. I worried myself sick they'd had an accident on the long journey. I rang the hotel to see if they'd checked in (they hadn't) then couldn't remember whether I'd asked the hotel whether they had a reservation. In the end I rang her mum to see if she had any news & she said she thought they were home!

Contacted friend by email to find out what had happened & turned out they'd decided 3 DAYS BEFORE not to stop!!!!!! I was absolutely steaming because I'd been so worried & on the verge of driving to the hotel on the offchance (20 miles).

I sent her a very long email explaining that I was really upset because it showed she had no thought for me at all, as she could have rung/emailed to say she couldn't make it etc etc. She apologised & we sorted it, but she hasn't arranged to meet me since, and has been to the UK 3 times since then.

Thanks everyone. Essbee - I think I will wait to see if she calls - might call her mother just to make sure nothing bad has happened.
There are lots of things I love about her, and at heart she's basically a good person, but things have changed and moved on and it's not just me who feels let down here. My kids really like her and dd in particular was so upset going to bed last night. I could weigh it all up, but tbh I just can't deal with these let-downs even if the friendship is basically good. I feel it's a total disregard of my feelings, and a lack of respect and consideration for us on her part. I really want to know she's ok, then spit the dummy and see how she reacts - is that awful? I'm a nice person really, but feel aggrieved by this.
I expect dh to do this from time to time when he's had one over the eight, but that's a whole other thread and I most certainly feel I don't deserve to be treated in this way by someone I consider to be a dear friend!

Wouldn't it be interesting if she does settle down, start a family and discover mn, then read this - wonder if it would strike a chord????!!!!!

I agree with Freckle (and most of the responses seem to) although it is worth checking that nothing bad happened just in case.

does she have kids? maybe she got carried away doing something else and is embarrased now- I know that my whole outlook has changed since I had dd. Before dd I was a party animal and didn't realise the significance of children's feelings- how much THEY remember promises etc. Don't be too hard on her- she may have met the love of her life and be in a world of her own.
Let things be for now maybe and wait until she gets in touch- then perhaps a little jokey comment to remind her that you haven't forgotten- 'I thought something horrid had happened- please text me if you're not coming again please- I love you and don't want to worry about you... something along those lines.

She has no kids pf - it's more that she's done it before and is likely to do it again! Also, her mobile was off last night but on this morning - only switched off when I tried to call.
Am holding back for the moment, because I want to know if she's ok, but despite how fond I am of her, I no longer want to put myself or my family through the inconvenience - she is not the be all and end all of my life. Just feel sad that her feelings towards me don't seem to match my feelings towards her. Sad really.

they probably do really you know- she probably cares as much as you do just that she 'doesn't think'. She probably doesn't realise what she's done. If she's done it before then wait till she gets in touch and tell her how you feel. Be assertive- say- If you're going to keep letting me down then I don't want you in my life any more... as much as I care about you I can't be let down all the time... or words to that effect

Thanks pf - that's pretty good advice! Will wait it out a little longer. If there's no contact though and she is ok, then I think i may have to let this one go. We don't have so much in common any more as we did, but it that in itself is no reason to end a friendship - I do think I'm worth alittle thought though. Being stood up by someone you care about is not nice!

Hi, I had an ex (best) friend do this to me when we were younger. She was forever standing me up, and when I phoned her home her mother would say she was still asleep (lunchtime) or she was out.
In the end I broke all ties with her.
I feel sad to this day that I am no longer in touch with her, and now wonder whether she was depressed in some way.
Maybe write her a letter?

Lowryn - yes, I can feel a letter coming on, but I don't know. Am waiting to hear from her. I think that is all I can do for the moment. I'm sure she'll apologise when she finally has the courage to call - she'll know she's let me down and I reckon at the moment, she can't face speaking to me as she'll know how I'm feeling (angry and hurt) and unfortunately her actions (or lack of them) caused that.

Hi Aero, I totally sympathise with how you feel. I'd be angry too. In fact I had a friend who did this kind of thing regularly. One evening, we had invited her round for a meal becausde we were very stressed teachers and were wanting to support each other. The lasagne was cooked and ready and she didn't show. It was nearly midnight when we had eaten, gone to bed and were very angry when she turned up at the door. I went back to bed. I was too angry to talk to her and left dh to accept her groveling. I hope you friend answers soon. Wait a few days beofre writing a letter though - give her a chance to respond.
Chin up lovey.

That's my plan cadders!

Well, the whole day has passed without a word from her! My sis just texted me to see if she'd called! Well, I guess that's one to strike off this year's Xmas list! Just can't believe a 'friend' would do this! I'm still seething, but no call to say that she's ok, so I don't know still whether she is or not and if I have the right to be angry IYSWIM!

Aero - this is such a hard situation! It's difficult to think that someone could be so inconsiderate, as your better nature thinks there must be some plausible explanation for the no show followed by the lack of contact. I'm sure you don't know whether to be hurt, furious or out of your mind with worry.

I had a friend who did this sort of thing. She knew it was terrible, always apologised, but didn't stop. And she did it to alot of people. She stood me up a few times, and then didn't return my calls. I was hurt/worried/angry, but knew she was OK because we shared the same housekeeper who told me that she was fine, and going about her daily routines. I eventually bumped into her at the supermarket, went up to say hello, and she burst into tears. There was a 20 minute monologue of how sorry she was, how bad she felt, etc. I said that at first I was worried, but then I assumed she didn't want to be friends anymore. She denied it, said that I was important to her etc. We said goodbye, with her promising to get in touch (thought it should be her move as I had done enough "chasing"). Do you know, she's never called. I miss her, and have infrequent moments of feeling rejected, but those emotions are far easier to deal with than feeling bewildered, hurt and angry at the way a "friend" has behaved. For me, it's virtually impossible to be emotionally intimate with someone I can't count on.

Not saying that your situation is the same, but assuming your friend is OK, it might be worth pondering whether or not you can continue a friendship with someone who treats you this way.

Finally - I've had a message - first thing this morning with a full and plausible explanation so I take it all back - except for the feelings of worry which were fairly strong when I went to bed last night. I sent a text saying I was v concerned and would need to call her mother which I was going to do this morning, but I got back from the school run to find two messages from a payphone explaining what had happened.
She was on her way here on the bus to Victoria to catch the train to ours and when she got there both her mobile phone and bank card were missing - she didn't know if she'd left it on the bus of if it had been stolen. Either way, she had no way to pay and no way of contacting me as all her other address books were at her employers (she's a nanny) in Oxford. They were away and have only just called her boyfriend's work with my number! She called him there to get it and rang here first thing. She didn't know whether I'd be cross or worried or what (all of the above!) - so am going to speak to her today and arrange another time. I did think it strange that there was no response at all to my texts and the phone was red-buttoned when I rang.
So - I'm sure all will be forgiven - esp as there was nothing she could do other than she did. Am glad! I know she's let us down before, but she'd usually have called at some point with some feeble excuse and I could just blow my fuse and carry on as normal, but there was just no contact at all and I didn't know what to think.
Am glad she's ok and hope to see her soon..