Why are people reluctant to beleive when your unwell?

[Yesnoyesnoyesnoyes]

Just that really?

It completely baffles me. Mainly my own mother. Any comment of 'im feeling quite tired today' is followed by my mother saying 'thats life' & 'im tired too'. I do get it's inevitable im tired a lot as I'm solo parenting a toddler and school aged child by myself. So I maybe say it more than she would like to hear. I just feel irritated by the continued dismissal. I am not looking for glorified sympathy or an opinion. I think I don't realise I'm saying it mostly until her opinions follow. I then get 'you don't go to bed early enough' or 'you don't look after yourself'. This irritates me to the core because I am never without my children. I have them all of the time which yes I know that's being a parent. I don't have 1 day a week where someone else takes my kids for a break or any time for that matter, I know a lot of people don't.

However more recently I became unwell maybe a very bad cold or even the flu. I couldn't move as I was so dizzy and weak. She offered to take my toddler for the night which I was highly highly greatful for, although she collected him half an hour before he was due to go to bed and phoned me first thing in the morning to say she has stuff to do can she drop him off. Of course I said yes. I was still unwell for days after this and I feel guilty that my children are somewhat neglected while I was unwell as I just did not have the energy for much.

It got me thinking, if I were to be unwell with anything more serious or say covid! I would be terrified as to how I could look after my kids.

When I was unwell my mother would say things like 'im sure it's just a cold' 'people manage all the time with kids and being unwell' 'im sure it's not as bad as your saying' 'your a hypochondriac'

It makes me feel so flat, it would just be nice for her to say 'awch that's not nice your not feeling well, can I help out' even if she couldn't take the kids, come round for a couple of hours to mine to entertain them or make them food.

Am I being too sensitive? I know my kids are my responsibility but I just feel like as my mother she sees first hand how exhausted I am. I don't go out, I don't see friends (because I can't), everything I do is with my kids and for my kids, I don't pan them off on anyone else, she is the only one I ask to look after them on the odd occasion and this is always an issue. She doesn't work, my dad does, they are very comfortable in life, she's very fit and able and not old at all.

It would be nice sometimes for her to want to take her grandchildren. Like even be like, can I take them to the park?

Father isn't in the picture so she is my only support and I have no siblings.

What's your thoughts?

no gp dont automatically offer fro regular overnights-my friend has never had help and my dsis doesnt either

theyve raised their children maybe thats it in their minds

She said she had a cold/flu/was feeling run down, and that she complains of being tired all the time. How is her mum meant to know that this time she felt more unwell than all the other times she said she was tired and run down?

@isabellerossignol Because this time she was saying she was ill/had a bug, whereas she doesn't usually.

And it's not unusual for grandparents to help out as far as I can tell from these boards.

But you weren’t unwell. You were tired. That’s not the same. It is tiring with small children yes, but it doesn’t help to keep mentioning it. Ask for help if you need it. It’s not normal to see grandparents every couple of weeks. Most people surely live many miles away from them.

@DragonPie

Well it sounds like she was quite a shit mum so it follows that she’s a shit grandmother too.

She might have been seriously ill, too, whether mentally or physically. I didn't pick up on that as much as I could have in my earlier post.

Parents don't send their children to live with their grandparents in normal circumstances.

Hi OP,

I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all to want to feel like your Mother actually cares how you are feeling and offer you the occasional bit of help especially when you are ill. Is your Father the same?
It sounds like she had a lot of help with childcare from her own mother when you were young. She doesn’t really sound like the warmest of people and she’s not likely to change.

Financially do you have any way of arranging some weekly childcare so that you can have a regular break? I think this might be the only way it will happen because it is clear your Mother isn’t interested in being involved unless it’s an emergency type situation. Which of course is her choice entirely but I can understand how it makes you feel. You are not a bad person for hoping for a little bit of help on occasion, but realistically this isn’t what she wants. I think you need to stop hoping she will change her mind and just accept she doesn’t want to be an active GP.

I think you're getting a hard ride here, op. Perhaps people don't recognise the dynamic. My DM is the same, the support is all one way. If you mention you are ill or injured, then she is worse.

Well done for doing all you can to look after yourself. I'm afraid your dm isn't going to help, and when she does she'll go on about it for years to come. I'd find another way to get some support, perhaps organise play dates with another single parent or something.

It gets better, it really does.

But get used to your mum not having your back. That isn't going to change I'm afraid.

My DP’s are the same. When my DS was a baby I had the most awful 24 hour flu type bug. I walked to my DP’s house (I couldn’t drive), so my DP’s (both retired, mid 50’s) could watch DS for me whilst I had a lay down upstairs. This has been agreed on the phone earlier. It lasted half an hour. My DS wouldn’t settle and they refused to try and settle him for me as ‘that was my job’ so I gave up and went home. A week or so later I was chatting to a friend I’d seen the day before my illness. She had it too so one of us had obviously passed to the other. She told me on the day of her illness her DM (retired but her DF still worked full time) called to her house took her Dd back to her own home, looked after her for the day, then brought her back in the evening, where she bathed her and put her straight to bed. She also brought a casserole with her for her DD and her husbands dinner. I cried when she told me. Another time years later when my DS was at primary school I had an awful sickness and diarrhoea bug and there was no way I could have walked him to school. My DM used to take my DNiece to the same school (my DB and SIL lived a few doors away from my DP’s house). It would have meant my DM setting off no more than 5 mins earlier as I lived near to the school. She agreed over the phone but made sure I knew she wasn’t happy about it. When she collected my DS she wouldn’t even look at me. There have been other incidents and not always regarding illness. She’s a loving mum but to this day I cannot understand her reaction. We had lots of help from granny growing up and my DM didn’t have to work. It doesn’t make any sense.

@mitzik you certainly have a strange way of looking at things. In one breath your telling me they are my kids and I certainly should not look for support from my mother in anyway shape or form as they are mine and not everyone has this.

In the second breath your saying my mum may have been unwell mentally or physically because I lived with my own grandmother for some years. Yet this seems to be a perfectly reasonable thing for her to do. You seem a bit like a negative Nancy. You should be friends with my mother.

Thank you for all the shared opinions, it's been nice to hear other people situations wether similar and ones who are not. I think my main point was entirely missed by a few, it being... I worry that because she is so reluctant in every way to help out, doesn't have the desire to have much of a relationship with her grandchildren that if I became unwell for something more serious the lack of support I would have, this was highlighted by my recent flu/cold/bug. I'm not one for chucking the towel in for a runny nose so for those who lack a bit of understanding I was floored, dizzy even while lying down and struggled to care for myself let alone the kids (everyone surely has been unwell before so can really get what I mean). When I was unwell I lay thinking how much i appreciated being healthy and feared every being more unwell because of the kids and lack of support. Me chucking in comment about being tired all the time was just to give a general view of my mum's overall opinions.

I did also admit my post became a bit more than what I thought my initial gripe was and turned into a bit more of moan about my mother and her lack of everything.

Some of you got that part and some I've no idea !!

Thanks again. Someone of you really uplifted me 😁

@Thebearsbunny

You know exactly where I'm coming from as reading your post feels like you've just described my mother.

Not really. I'm saying that there can be many reasons why somebody doesn't meet up to your expectations, whether it's disinterest, not liking children, having been too ill to cope with their own or being unable or unwilling to look after grandchildren. It might even be if she was very ill at the time that you went to live with your GM that, to her, being a bit tired is nothing compared to how she felt before that decision was made, possibly for her, not by her, depending upon whether an illness was that serious, she had no choice. Do you know why your GM really ended up looking after you for so long?

Either way, the problem for you is the result of your expectations. Yes, other people have great parents and great grandparents that can't think of anything they'd rather do than take the grandchildren off or cook and clean for their adult daughter. And some people on here can't stand the MIL pestering for the children overnight or popping round to 'help' all the time. But they aren't the ones you have, so you're going to find it harder if you focus on what they have that you don't.

I imagine it must be lovely to be guaranteed a break every fortnight like some parents get when the ex picks up the kids from school. Although some say they can't stand the idea for even one night. Or if a grandparent does exactly the same as an ex would normally be expected to do. But if you don't get that assistance, does it help to focus on the lack of it - or is it more useful to accept help isn't going to come from them and find as many other ways as you can to cope?

I don't mean you any ill will. I think it helps more to not compare yourself to others, as there will always be somebody with a lovely charmed life, a free house, free childcare, etc, etc, whilst you're working your socks off just trying to keep your head above water. Yay for them.

If you're ill, you manage until you physically can't. You try and do what you can to reduce the chances of that happening - taking vitamins, eating well, getting some exercise, grabbing as much sleep as you can - and hopefully, you won't get seriously unwell. You know now that in an absolute emergency, she will come and look after your toddler even if she isn't keen on doing it for 'fun' or obligation. So you have that security at least. And you will cope in a way that somebody who has always been able to get their Mum to come and sort the kids out never can. So you'll be tougher, stronger, more independent and capable of dealing with whatever comes your way. It's a hard thing to learn, but you'll be able to say 'I did it'.

My DD has a two year old who doesn’t sleep ( for her) and works full time so is exhausted. I often tell her to have a nap if she comes to me after work. I also take my DGD overnight to let her have a full nights sleep. I also have her three days a week. I do it for her because my mother did it for me. It’s what you do.

My mother is the same. She wouldn’t provide any help even when I had hyperemesis with my second and was vomiting blood while running around after a toddler.
I accepted it as I reasoned I would be free of any obligation to offer support in her old age.

My mother is the same. I have never once exaggerated or lied about being unwell in my life. I daren't say I'm feeling ill because of her reaction. Its usually sigh what is it now? One time I was dreadfully ill and I had to ask my dad to pick the children up from school which didn't go down well at all. The following day I felt worse and I asked for a lift to the GP. My mother actually said I was making a fuss over nothing. Pneumonia. I felt like I'd have the Spike Milligan epitaph 'I told you I was ill' on my headstone.
Bizarrely where my brother is concerned she can't do enough for him when he's ill. A few years ago she almost packed her bags and headed 300 miles to help with his kids because he had a severe chest infection... he has a wife at home FFS wheras I am a sole carer.

I paint a bad picture of her and it feels unfair because other than this one issue she has been a very supportive parent. She just can't hack me being ill.