Haunted by Friendship Break-up

[Eddiewasmyfavouritecharacter]

Hello. I’m really upset after seeing an old male friend yesterday (Let’s call him Jake). We are childhood friends and live nearby. I became friends with his wife (Let’s call her Janet) after he met her (5 years ago) and we ended up falling out. I’m still so upset at all of that but when I see Jake we never ever speak of the falling out with Janet.

I know that might seem grown up and mature but it’s starting to feel like the elephant in the room. I’m aware he’s only heard Janet’s side & believe me, I don’t want to give him my side but I can’t continue acting like nothing happened.

When I saw him yesterday, he said a few things that I felt were unnecessarily harsh and I worry that it’s informed by whatever Janet is saying to him.

This is really stressing me out. Meanwhile I’m recently separated so I feel like I’m experiencing a lot of loss and heartache.

Any thoughts or advice?

If you want to change the situation then you need to speak to Janet to agree how you relate to each other going forward if you are going to be in each other’s circles.

Other people don’t need to be part of your fallout. They will have formed their own opinions based on what they know about both of you. I doubt whatever trigger the fallout will change what they think of you both. It will either be out of character or what people expect of you both.

The studied refusal to take sides, implies that people think you are both as good or bad as each other in this situation.

I don't know, tbh...

If you feel that your friendship has been affected by the falling out with his wife, you might end up losing the friendship altogether. Especially if she is unhappy about the ongoing friendship you and he have.

At which point, I would feel that there isn't much to lose - it could expedite the end of the friendship or it could resolve things.

I might tell him that the falling out upset you and you'd like the opportunity to talk about it if he is willing. If he is, then I'd present what I saw as the facts without emotive language or element of blame.

Is the fallout with Janet something that could be resolved? You don't say how long ago you fell out with her but, hopefully, the fact you didn't immediately jump to moaning about her to him might mean he is receptive to hearing your side of it. He might also be confused as to why you haven't brought it up already.

Firstly, I'm very sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time emotionally and I hope things do begin to settle down for you.

@LemonTT's advice is very sound. Is there no way that you and Janet can get beyond the falling out? He may be saying unnecessarily harsh things but he is still seeing you despite the falling out so he is showing you some loyalty. And if he is obliged to take sides, I would say that his first loyalty is to his wife. Unless one or the other of you has said or done something incredibly obnoxious, I find it hard to believe there is no way of getting back to a place of mutually civility.

...mutual civility...

Thanks to you both.

Yes, I think Jake would think we are both as good & bad as each other!

It still feels raw even though the fallout was in February!

The thing is because Jake is a childhood friend we are connected by many many friends etc. It’s just not an option for me and him to fall out. He has arranged all of our meet-ups since February (not many) but I feel sad & anxious in the run-up and angry & resentful afterward.

I mean, if I do bring up the fallout with him, I’ll have to tread so carefully — she is his wife at the end of the day. I’m so upset by how she treated me but according to her social media, she’s having the time of her life. It hurts so much! I should feel good after seeing a friend. I saw him yesterday and have felt sh*t ever since.

Can you say to him that you feel your falling out with Janet is affecting your friendship with him and you really need your friends right now?

Tell him you don't expect him to take your side but that it was a mutual falling out between adults and you're happy to just put that aside if he is.

Yeah I suppose but I guess his response will be ‘yeah that’s what’s going on!’ I just felt he was unnecessarily harsh in a few of his comments and he’s the type to get defensive if challenged so no good will come of my bringing that up.

Grrr...it’s messy!

All I know is I feel like utter crap after seeing him and I’m so angry at her tbf! She knows that my life has turned upside down & she never once made contact. She knows I’m upset at our falling out & she hasn’t made contact - the ball was in her court. Meanwhile she’s all over social media boasting about her wonderful life.

I don’t think you need to involve Jake in your falling out with Janet, but if you continue not to be friends with her, your relationship with him will probably suffer. Is there a possibility that things could be resolved between you and Janet? Maybe look for a way to smooth things over with her (depending on circumstances of fall out, obvs), but approach her directly; don’t try to do anything through Jake.

I just saw your message now @Dery

Thanks. I’m finding it hard to think straight I’m so upset to be honest. Of course I don’t expect him to take sides. I’m just extremely upset with her and it’s still triggering when I see him. He seems to be viewing me differently than before and that’s the only reason I can think for it.

Why do you need to involve him? It’s between you and him.

Understood, OP. From what you say - you have reached out to try and put things right and Jake's wife has decided to remain offended. I was in a similar situation many years ago trying to mend a relationship with someone I had offended and remember feeling very powerless when the other person refused to soften. Perhaps for Janet, it's also about power. If she's at all the jealous and/or insecure type (and many of us are, frankly), since you and Jake have been friends since childhood, she might deep down have felt somehow powerless or insecure in relation to you and that might be another reason why she's holding on to her anger.

It is hard because you can't control Janet's behaviour and you are feeling particularly in need of support at the moment. And it's very difficult when someone is being unjustifiably harsh. Things which seem unfair can really sting. But it's probably inevitable that Jake will be more supportive of Janet than of you and as redcar said, if the fallout cannot be mended, your relationship with Jake will probably suffer. Indeed, if Janet has felt insecure about you, then this might be her intention. And the fact that Jake is continuing to see you rather than excluding you entirely is probably his way of pushing back against Janet to the extent he feels able to do so without damaging his relationship with her. So it's quite a big thing that he did that, even if he did say some things which you felt were harsh.

Sometimes when things are very difficult for me, I find it helpful to cast my mind forward to a year or more hence and think about how I want things to be looking then and it usually allows me to make a wiser decision than I would make based on my present feelings. I wish I could do it more often, frankly.

But if you were to do that - knowing that things may naturally blow over in a year's time or in any event you will almost certainly care less about the falling out - you might decide that it is better to remain neutral on this matter with Jake and perhaps just share your hurt feelings with someone who is completely unrelated to the group so that you can let off steam without involving anyone else who has any connection with Jake or Janet.

If you want to stay friends with him, you need to both want that and both be prepared to put aside whats going on with the wife.

If you can make up with her, great, but that sounds like a whole separate issue and we obviously don't know the details.

Maybe unfollow or snooze her on Facebook to avoid her posts annoying you. For all you know, she could be doing it on purpose.

@Dery

Thank you from my heart for such good advice. You’re right. I’ll only complicate matters more by trying to talk to Jake. There has been no resolution with Janet so there’s nowhere to go in any conversation about it. I’m concerned that Janet & I see what happened in very very different ways but I need to remember that I cannot control what others think or do even when it’s about me.

And I guess you’re right when you say the below— I guess I need to cut Jake some slack because it’s a big deal that he hasn’t chosen to cut me out the way she did (after 1 argument).

So it's quite a big thing that he did that, even if he did say some things which you felt were harsh

@BunnyLovesBananas

Yeah I need to stop looking at her -oh so numerous- social media posts and photographs about her fabulous life and all the problems she kosher incessantly to me about seem to have evaporated!

*moaned (not kosher)

Whatever happened you are never going to be able to change Janet or influence her husband. You are just going to make yourself miserable and you begin to alienate other people.

What you can do is work on yourself. Allowing an argument to escalate to this level takes two people. There will have been a point when either of you could have disengaged. What should matter to you is finding out why you didn’t. Not telling Janet when she should have, either directly or via her husband.

You can help yourself immediately by not looking at her Facebook and not talking about her to her husband.

P.S. I didn’t think Janet was threatened by me or jealous of our sibling-like friendship. She was at the beginning all right so I went out of my way to make sure she was reassured (by my actions). As time went on, I felt Like my friendship with Janet was eroding my Friendship with Jake because she gave out about him so often (every time I saw her!). One of the reasons Janet and I fell out is because I felt her feelings and her everything was always just so much more important Than anyone else’s. It became exhausting putting up with her sloppiness and self-absorption. It’s for the best that she and I are no longer friends, even though I Deeply regret the way I approached it (too direct & sudden Due to my exasperation & upset at feeling let down by something specific ) .

I just don’t want it to ruin Jake and my friendship . I was a bit taken aback by the way he spoke to me yesterday but I guess it wasn’t all bad & I do need to learn how to let things go. if anyone knows how to let things go, please let me know

@LemonTT

Thanks. I’ve never had any intention to point out Janet’s behaviour to her or Jake.

Yeah you’re right about her social media. I need to disengage & right now!

And yes I need to Focus on myself. I just felt so hurt by the way he spoke to me on two occasions yesterday but I know I shouldn’t fixate as it’s only myself I hUrt!

@Eddiewasmyfavouritecharacter - you're very welcome. From your posts, you sound thoughtful and sensible but it's hard to let things go when you feel unjustly treated, especially when you're already feeling emotionally vulnerable because of a separation. And social media has a lot to answer for! Hopefully you can easily find someone else to talk this through with and keep things neutral with Jake.

This too will pass! A year from now, I'm sure things will be feeling much easier and calmer.

All the best, OP - onwards and upwards!

@Dery

Yeah looking ahead is a good strategy. It’s hard to think of someone to talk to as most of my friends are also friends of Jake’s (albeit more distant to him) but I will try to talk it through with someone.

It’s sounds like you never liked Janet or at least your friendship with her. The right thing to do was to pull back from it by reducing contact or never building it in the first place. It sounds like you were silently falling out with her for ages but then let it come to ahead.

And maybe you are now doing the same with Jake. If you don’t like how he treats you then don’t meet up with him on a 1:1 basis. Or at least tell him that what he said was harsh or felt harsh and see how he responds. Don’t bring his wife into it. She didn’t say it.

I told him yesterday that I felt hurt by something he said and he jumped to the defensive immediately. I literally said ‘i felt hurt when you said ...’ and he became instantly defensive. I feel like I’m not allowed feelings with either of them!

Yes I was silently unhappy at Janet’s treatment of me for a long time. I tried to bring it up with her That one time but she was instantly defensive — just like him — No wonder they fight so much - and it got heated. She said it was an ‘outburst‘ on my part and that I ‘lashed out.’ I then apologised profusely in detail and asked again & again if everything was ok. She said it was and even said she loved me as a friend. she then wrote me The most emotionally deceptive horrible email I’ve ever read. I told her I was upset about it and she never said anything. She’s the one who decided to pull back but she Had told Me everything was fine and was all smiles to my face. I’m the only one who apologised. She’s a different person in person than on email or text. I wish I had never got mixed up with her. She stresses him out no end and he’s obsessed with her. The good thing about the falling out is I no longer have to listen to him yabber on about her incessantly.

This isn’t a case of feeling right or wrong, it’s just a case of really hurt feelings. It has essentially ruined my weekend. I don’t want to feel this way! I want fun, joyful friendships. I don’t want to feel like crap after seeing a mate. I’m just feeling so sh*tty today and I can’t seem to shake it. I’ve become far too invested in them both.

I’m going to deactivate my account now as I’ve become rather obsessive about checking it and have got little else done today as a result!

Thanks to everyone who gave advice . flowers

She sounds awful OP and his actions don't sounds great.

She might be his wife and he will be loyal to her but he shouldn't be treating a friend this way.

It reminds me a little bit of my best friend from uni. We met first day of uni and were best friends. He then got a girlfriend and that was always an issue but not because of anything I had done as she had never met me but he once told me he'd say "Bunny wouldn't do that" and she'd get jealous. Things became more complicated until our final year when I met her for the first time. He was so weird about it. I realised he'd basically been saying stupid things that made her feel jealous and insecure and then when we met he made a big show to me of her being his girlfriend. We lost touch after uni and I knew it was because of her.

Strangely I ran into him last year as we work in the same field and he was just the same and they were still together! I realised what a mouse he is and that we weren't really suited as friends at all, not now anyway.

I suppose the point is we don't need so called friends who treat us that way but it is hard to let things go OP.

I'd be tempted to unfriend her on social media, not even just unfollow, so she gets the message she's done wrong and you are done with her but only if that's how you feel.