Had Enough. Would it be terrible of me to leave?

[WantToBreakFree]

I got remarried eight years ago.
When I think back, I don't know why. If I'm honest with myself, I think it was because I didn't want to be single any longer.

We used to get on great but his family always annoyed me so much. The whole lot of them are so wierd. His mother still 'babies' him and bakes pies and cakes etc for him.

When we go away she insists on coming into our house and doing our washing! I'm a very private person so asked her not to, so she went and asked my DH behind my back who then told her she could carry on if she wanted to and she responded by rubbing it in my face squealing that he said she could do our washing.

His dad is the same. He insists on coming around to do our DIY etc when DH is more than capable. A few weeks ago he turned up with a ladder and a bucket all set to paint our window frames etc.

They follow me around and I never have any time to myself. When DH is at work his parents will come around "for a cuppa" and sit here all morning. If I go to shop they will come looking for me. If I go out for the day they will phone on the night and ask where I have been all day.

Anyway, apart from all that, DH is driving me mad too. He's so miserable and boring. When he gets home from work he just sits watching sci-fi crap all night. Doesn't speak to me, turns the TV up if I speak to him etc.

He's ignorent with everyone though, if anyone talks to him he either completely ignores them or gives one word answers. As a result, my "Lively" family dislike him and think he's ignorent and anti-social, which he is.

The worst of the problems however, include our 7 year old daughter. From birth I have fought a losing battle over her. DH ruins her and his parents are worse. On her first christmas they turned up with 3 garden barrows worth of presents for her.

If I'm watching something on TV and she walks in and says "I don't want to watch that" DH will instantly turn it over for her. If I protest he starts saying to her about how grumpy I am. When we're in the car, she dictates what we listen to. If she doens't want to go to school, DH tells her she doesn't have to go and I'm left to deal with the angry headmaster.

If we're eating out, she will demand DH's food and he will hand over his plate. She will then do the same to me and DH starts saying "she wants your burger..." etc as if I should do the same.

Her attitude stinks, she screams and performs in shops if she doesn't get what she wants. She's ignorent, bossy, ungratefull...when my mother brought her a birthday present last month she opened it, smiled and then said "next...?" and held her hand out for something else.

They're all nuts. DH knows I am unhappy yet does nothing to help me. We went on holiday a few months ago and DH spent the time sat reading a book on boats completely ignoring me and DD sat there with an mp3 player on everynight. Nobody spoke to each other, I felt like crying every night.

She won't change, she's like him and he certainly won't change.

I made a huge mistake and I know I have to take responsibily for DD but she's so like them I don't even feel as though she's mine. I feel like just walking away from the lot of them, I can't carry on like this.

I'm sorry you are feeling like this. How long have the thing being like this?

No, it wouldn't be terrible of you to leave. Sounds like a nightmare. Life's too short to live the way you describe.

Assuming you get (and want) custody of your daughter (and it sounds like she really needs you in her life to keep her grounded), she will regard you as the enemy for a long time because there's no way you'll be treating her the same way her dad and GPs do. That's not a bad thing of course! But the battle lines will become very clear in a divorced situation and she will no doubt take the sides of the indulgent adult. She's a kid and kids will do that.

Your PIL sound like they don't have enough to do with their own lives. When they call you, just ask them not to call you so often. There's no need. You're an adult. Be polite but firm.

It doesn't sound like you and DH are a team at all in terms of dealing with his parents and more importantly, bringing up your daughter. You need to be united and clear with each other - and respect each other's preference i.e. if you feel strongly about your MIL coming in to do your washing then that's fair enough - and make joint decisions.

Do you think there's any chance you could acheive a team with DH?

I wouldn't blame you if you packed your bags & walked away.

It sounds dreadful.

None of them have any respect for you at all.

Well, you can tell that your dh has learned it from his parents.. and that your dd is taking after her dad, but what I want to know is where is your influence? You say her dad says this & her dad says that.. ie: "She wants your burger" What do you say? Do you say "No, she has her own food!" or do you meekly hand over your dinner to a spoilt 7 year old?

Have you ever had any say? Ever been allowed to teach her manners? It sounds to me like your PIL need to butt out of your life & lead their own life! fgs your dh is an adult now & how dare he tell his mum to do your washing! That just proves that none of them have any respect for you

Why have you let them do this to you? People treat you the way you let them treat you... sounds hard, but I have found that it is very true

I'm not in a position to offer reasonable advice at the mment. (Have a horrible MIL, a weak DH, etc) But I'm giving your thread a bump hoping you may get more support.

Threaten to leave, citing all the reasons you give here - if he doesn't take it seriously then I'd go. At least temporarily to make him realise how unhappy you are. Either that or you crack down on the lot of them, demand things go your way or else, and get tough on your dd. She won't be popular going through life with that attitude. Can't you get your family to back you up ? Have a meeting with all concerned ? You have to take control of it now, while you are feeling like this, life really is too short to be miserable like this.

Have you looked up Aspergers syndrome??

This is terribly sad. Most of all that you are thinking of leaving your dd

It sounds as if you are feeling very angry with your dh and letting that anger colour your feelings for your dd. Please remember she is the innocent party in this and needs your love, support and guidance now more than ever if you are thinking of leaving dh.

I don't know whether it's possible to get a loving communicative relationship from the situation you describe - but I do know it's going to be hard. I honestly think relate counselling might be one way forward but I think it would be easy to get a refusal from your dh, for whom communication is obviously a struggle. Find a way to broach the idea to him in a genuinely heartfelt, positive way and then you may be having a chance at least.

The issues are quite obvious; he needs to accept that he mustn't undermine you with his parents and your dd, and you MAY need to accept that his parents want to be very involved; you might want the same one day, with your dd....I'd re-examine your views. I'm not saying accept everything, but it's possible you could bend a bit on the issue if you're expecting your DH to bend too. Meet in the middle perhaps.

You CAN withdraw your consent to some things; if DH says dd doesn't have to go to school, then HE deals with the headteacher; no negotiations. You don't have to deal with the mess created by another person.

I think lots of communication is needed to help your DH understand that he is not helping your dd to be a nice person by overly indulging her and that he will quite possibly make her confused and anxious if he undermines you to her; he might think he is making her feel good by doing it, but he's not really.

None of what you describe will be able to get any better without some good honest talking. If you can put your anger aside (hard I know) then at least you can try.

Want

Think we're married to the same man - with similar families and I have the same worry for my now baby son (and it looks like mil is coming to stay for 2 months in our tiny flat - ah!).

you appear to have no control but lots of responsibilty which is unfair. It's not nice being an outsider in your own family.

I think pils need to back off a bit and if possible dh needs to back you get your dd on track. What she said to your mother is very bad. You need to set ground rules - even if they are very basic - like greeting each other i nthe morning, please and thank you and saying goodnight before bed. I did that with my dh and there was almost an immediate improvement in atmosphere - it's called manners! And take it from there.

If he doesn't want to go to Relate you can go yourself and if you decide to leave the fact that he was not interested in improving family life will not look good on him.

you shouldn leave take dd with you and raise her the way you wanted to instead of spoiling her