Mid life crisis or time to leave my marriage? Please help!

[RubyD]

Hi all, I am 45 and married nearly 10 years with 2 young children. After a series of passionate, crazy and untrustworthy exes, I chose to marry a man who is loyal, who loves me, has a good job and is a good dad. But I am really bored. He has no libido so we only have sex if I push for it which is obviously very upsetting. He has to take viagra to get an erection with me and just tells me he hasn’t really any interest in that side of marriage. We have no shared interests other than the children and I am craving love, attention and intimacy. However, he is a good man. I am scared to leave for the sake of excitement and passion as I know the grass is always greener, our girls adore him, I hate the thought of upsetting him and also I have a history of making terrible decisions when it comes to men. I worry that my dreams of a soul mate are not realistic and I should be grateful for what I have. With my exes I didn’t trust myself, I was completely absorbed in them and I worry that if I met a man I felt passionate about that it would end in disaster or I will end up alone and penniless. At my age I feel it is now or never but I am really scared of the fallout and unsure what to do. Please help!!

Watching responses with interest as I feel in a similar situation (but no kids - didn't happen for us). Same age etc. It's the lack of sense of humour that bothers me most as silly as that might sound. It used to be so important to me and I feel like I've lost that bit of myself, especially in last 10 years since marriage.

I think this is more common than people think / admit
And I’m sure men go through a menopause / manopause

OP I feel this way too, but for different reasons.
Did you ever have sex a lot?
When did it stop?

I don’t really have any advice. I’m in a similar situation, I think it’s surprisingly common, but been married for 20 years. I spent a lot of time thinking It would get better over the years but it hasn’t really. There’s a thread called Housemate style marriage that a few of us have posted on. It might be worth taking a look.

My DH isn’t interested in sex either. It’s soul destroying. My DCs are teens and I’ve found that my dissatisfaction has increased as their independence has increased. My DH will not countenance any kind of counselling. I believe it’s our lack of intimacy that is the cause of the rest of the dissatisfaction but he thinks I’m being ridiculous.

I understand your feelings, it’s like, are you going to throw the baby out with the bath water, will it be OK, will I regret it, will I wish we’d split years ago 🤷🏻‍♀️

Maybe tell him straight that the marriage is vulnerable and you need more counselling to make it survive. Also one to one counselling or therapy for you to work through your issues and have a safe space to get your feelings out there.

@Deux I am sorry to hear your marriage hasn’t improved and that is what I am afraid of too. I will check that other thread out. I think you are right more counselling needed. I reckon I am 50/50 right now whereas before lockdown and before our other counselling I was basically ready to leave him this year then that option was taken away and we have managed to find more warmth in our relationship, just not enough yet. I appreciate your advice and also that everyone has been kind on this thread!! I think it is more common that we think, such a taboo subject to admit that your husband isn’t interested in you physically. Also think some men of a certain age have been raised to keep their emotions in check and this doesn’t help in a marriage. I hope you work it out. Would you leave now? Btw my mum is nearly 80 and wishes she had left my dad years ago, not abusive just no demonstrative love or compassion towards her so I have a scary example in my face!

OP, it’s good you’re taking time to think about this is a considered way...a lot of people would have an emotional or physical affair and then blame the lack of sex afterwards...I know such a hard decision can’t be made in weeks, possibly months but just be mindful that you could spend decades waiting for an epiphany.

You do seem to be looking at ways to save the marriage though and if you’d ‘checked out’ this wouldn’t be the case. I don’t think leaving a marriage for the reasons you cite is wrong but in your mid to late forties (my age too) maybe it’s best to consider whether if you left and didn’t find the romance you were looking for, whether you’d still be happier than if you stayed in the marriage. A loving partner is such a valuable thing to throw away but so is being true to yourself. It’s hard isn’t it?

There isn't an easy answer to this given that you are wary of making poor choices due to past experience and that you seem happy (although I'm not convinced) with the rest of your marriage. I think it is more about the upset and mess divorce causes.

The problem is that not many people can live without intimacy and have a fulfilling marriage, and that's what you are finding now. As women we need that and being cuddled up, holding hands and ultimately yes feeling your DH inside you is all part of it even though things do slow down over the years.

You have to work on the basis that this will not change and will only get worse...if living with it is better than the alternative then you can make your decision, but the world is full of women who feel like they wasted their best years

I did find that my body went through a sort of last chance saloon period where I was frequently wanting sex, now I’m not bothered at all.
Be wary of losing a good relationship over sex.
And I would say that if you do leave you need to be happy on your own, don’t go looking for romance and a shag fest as you might end up feeling very used.

What age were you and the kids when you did this?

This thread has been resurrected but I wonder if the op is still about and would give an update? I'd love to know if anything happened or changed.

Has he tried Tadalafil? You can get it from Numan (on-line). My marriage was similar to yours, although we did hold hands and kiss, but the sex was infrequent and I was pretty desperate.

After a good few years of this, my DH ordered Tadalafil and testosterone supplements. He takes both every morning. After a few months he became a different man. His sex drive went through the roof, and when he was on annual leave recently, we were having sex every day.

The Tadalafil ensures that you can get an erection easily, and I think the crux of the problem before, was that he was terrified of not being able to perform. He found it easier to say he wasn't in the mood, rather than get going and then have his erection fail. Now that barrier has been removed, it's so much better.

If you read the blurb about Tadalafil, it tells you tat it won't increase your sex drive, but will merely ensure you can always get an erection. This has not been our experience, and I have posted about this on here before, and had other women say that their DH had the same thing happen. I recall one lady saying her DH had to come off it, as he just wouldn't leave her alone. 😆I think also coupling it with testosterone boosted it more, and removing that psychological barrier about failure to perform.

It's been life changing for us. I'm happy we are having regular sex, and he feels more manly, more in control, and like he isn't letting me down anymore. He is also loving the sex!

I would tell him that you can't live like this anymore, and ask him to give this a try. Be sure he takes it daily and be patient, like I say, it takes a few months to kick in.

ZOMBIE that's annoying!