divorce

[go2hell]

O God where do I start! me and my husband are seriously considering splitting up. No one has been unfaithful or anything like that. I don't love him anymore and he doesn't want to carry on in a loveless relationship. We have two ds aged 3 and 5. I'm scared by how much our lives are going to change and how this will affect the children. I can't afford to stay in the house, I couldn't afford the mortgage even with maintenance payments. I work in the evenings and rely on him for babysitting so I will have to change jobs.
Do I move back up north to where my parents live where I could afford a mortgage even if it means my sons have to cope with the divorce, moving home and schools and leaving behind everything that is familiar to them in one fell swoop. Or do I stay in this area and pay out extortionate rent but at least the boys can see their dad frequently and everything else stays the same for them.
I really don't know what to do for the best. Really wish I could fast forward to a couple of years from now with everything sorted out and the dust has settled. Anyone out there been through similar circumstances? I'd welcome any advice.

I don't have any experience of this, but I believe you can go to mediation to sort things out in a civilised fashion, minimising the pain to your children. Don't know how you find the mediation, suggest you contact Citizens' Advice Bureau. Must be much cheaper than paying out lots of money to solicitors too.

I have just been though a similar situation. I have got two ds's too,one 5 , one 3 and my ex left two weeks ago.

I have stayed in the home and he has gone to privately rent a flat. He has agreed to pay half the mortgage and I am paying the rest and bills through my part-time job, tax credits etc.

Before we split up I was just like you imagining the worst and getting totally stressed out but now it has happened and I have had some breathing space to think it is working out okay. The children are happier already and I feel like a weights been lifted off my shoulders.

Thanks, I think I will feel like you once its done and dusted. I think I need some sound financial advice. I need to know exactly what my monthly income would be to decide what I can afford to do. How did you work it all out bitsnbobs? We don't get any tax credits at the moment because of my husbands earnings. Our mortgage is huge so I'm not sure he could afford to pay half the mortgage and rent somewhere. I would struggle to pay half the mortgage and live on my current income.Do you know what benefits if any I could claim? How do I find out?

You could look at entitledto.com which gives you a rough idea of how much to expect.
Also make an appointment to see a loneparent advisor at your local jobcentre and they can give you advice.

I don't think it matters what your partner earns. In my case they just took into account how much money I had (from when he had left) and worked it out from there. It is more difficult with a mortgage as if you are renting you get more financial help.

I know how hard it is deciding, I spent ages looking at local properties to rent by ds1's school. I think I would have rented if my ex hadn't left but it is a big decision to make.
My ex also looked at shared housing but ended up finding a reasonably priced flat, it depends what your partner is willing to do to help the situation also. Could you afford to rent on your own, somewhere near your sons school so they wouldn't have to move too far?

Don't know what i can afford really. I will have to change jobs anyway. i don't think it would work if he had to babysit till midnight 4 nights a week like he does now. Thanks for suggesting lone parent advisor. I didn't know they existed. I will make an appointment asap and take it from there. Thanks again.

Good luck x

He should pay 15% of his net income for the children less time when they are with him.

It is morally wrong in my view to move the children away from their father so better to stay near him for them and him and probably you.

Who will they live with? Has he said how many days a week they will be with him?

Presumably you earn less than him. He may also have to pay you maintenance which you could use towards the mortgage and you may well get tax credits. They may be enough to mean you can afford the mortgage or may be you could get a full time job like many mothers of under 5s have to do.

Sorry 20% for two children. 15% for one.

A question to you Xenia.
You say it is morally wrong to move children away from their father.
What about when the father leaves the marital home & moves 3 hrs away so that he only has a 10 min journey to work every day?

Plus men dont have to pay maintenance these days just the 20% for the kids & thats it.

I don't think it would be possible to work full time. My youngest son has a developmental delay ( don't know what exactly waiting for community paediatrician appointment) and barely copes with nursery two mornings a week at the moment. Plus with what I would have to pay out in childcare it would hardly be worth while. My husband does earn a good wage but he's an accountant and naturally tight with it (sorry accountants) so I'm not expecting him to be any more generous than he has to be by law. We have't discussed anything about who will have the children when. Is the norm one night in the week and every other weekend? Thanks everyone. Its good to know your all out there. Its so much easier to talk about like this. If I try to talk to my friends they give me sympathy and I end up in tears.

mm, the trend is not to pay maintenance for the other spouse. My ex wanted it for himself and he got more than 50% of the assets to in effect buy that out so I had a clean break and no future claims but in a lot of divorces there isn't enough money for the lower earner to get a clean break lump sum and if they don't work or earn a lot less and the man can afford it then yes he still has to pay maintenance. It was £250k a year in the Macfarlane case plus child maintenance.

As for norms of when children stay with each parent it depends on your family and set up. Most fathers want to see their children every week if not every day. Some are able to do the school run so at least they get that time.

If it was me personally, I would move back to where my family is, because ok your sons would have to leave everything behind but you would have support (i'm assuming) from your family making it all round more stable. Also you wouldnt have to worry about money so much as the north is cheaper than down here in the south.