Was I out of line and can it be fixed?

[PurdyFlower]

I’ve been with my DP for 12 years. We have a child together s We spilt last year but having been trying to get back on track again. He’s known his best friend for 26 years (for reference we are both 32).

DP’s best friend has had a problem with me from day one of our relationship. He viewed me as ‘taking DP away’ and influencing our relationship. I think there’s more to it than that though - before I was in relationship with DP I knew the BF and he used to have some seriously misogynistic views (such as ‘The Game’ - treating women poorly to get them to like you) and I used to challenge it.

The first year of our relationship I lived in another town and second year I moved away for uni. In that year DP didn’t bother going out with his BF choosing gaming instead. The BF has always blamed me for him not seeing him.

Here we are, 12 years later, and the BF still makes ‘jokey’ comments about me. Over the years I have pushed DP to spend time with him, reminded him when his birthday is due (and often buy the presents) and have become close friends with BF’s GF. DP is lazy and wouldn’t do any of those things without me and I’m still a scapegoat.

We went out last night as a group and the BF made lots of derogatory comments about me. It’s always ‘jokey’ but they directed to me. I can’t pinpoint anything specific because I have a bad memory for words but I know they happened because I have a good memory of how I felt. BF’s GF is always mitigating (and has also said to me that he has a problem with me because he thinks I got ‘in the way’ of DP and BF’s relationship) so I know I’m not imaging this.

I raised it with DP tonight and he said I was wrong and he treats everyone like that. I told him no, because he tells DP he loves him like a brother despite the ‘banter’. However it is very clear he has no love for me. He even told DP he’d never liked me when we broke up. However DP pushed me for specific examples from tonight I couldn’t give them.

I said to DP (who suffers from anxiety), imagine if I turned round after you giving me your worries, demanded specifics and then told you that you are wrong. He’s now furious with me, said I’ve crossed a line by ‘belittling’ him and is refusing to talk to me. We are living separately so he’s gone back to his, told me enjoy my weekend without him and has blanked me.

So now I’m alone, hurt and feeling guilty and I’m not sure even clear what I’ve done.

Am I out of order in this or should I expect him to have my back by now, even if he doesn’t challenge it?

No you're not out of order OP. He should have your back.

Let him stew, balls in his court and you want an apology. From now on though maybe it's time to give him a nudge while it's happening so he's aware in real time. Of he still doesn't have your back then I'd make a choice.

Also stop the wife work. It's not your job to remember his friends or families special occasions.

No, you're not out of order. He just wants to dismiss it all when it clearly sounds like his friend is belittling you, death by a thousand cuts. Let him stay away. You don't need his friend's toxicity in your life.

Oh come on,OP you aren't in the wrong at all-you should have it out with his petty,jealous and infantile nature! Your partner doesn't deserve you and you need to have a good think about how he treats you as a whole

You’re still not living together after 12 years! I’d move on.... he’s not got your back,

I think this is difficult to be honest, you say he made lots of derogatory comments, but can’t recall even one single example, you say this is because you struggle to remember words, but are clear in remembering words from years ago and the conversation you had with your partner yesterday.

I don’t understand your condition enough to understand that, but it seems your partner doesn’t either. Because he was also there and is disputing it. I don’t know if you’re over sensitive and your partner has had enough of it, or if indeed he doesn’t have your back and witnessed it and is lying.

You see it as the latter, he sees it as the former. I am unsure where you go from there but I think you cannot socialise with his friend any more. You don’t like him, he doesn’t like you, it’s been years, it’s time for the two of you to stay away from each other.

Sorry, I realise that not understanding examples doesn’t make sense but I meant I struggle to remember when I’m feeling emotional talking about it with DP. Especially when I’ve been drinking too. I could think of a couple examples tell DP but he brushed it off as banter and I couldn’t remember more off the top of my head. When I go away I can think of more (and have again tonight).

The thing about it, it’s almost trivial if it’s a singular ‘joke’ but it’s continuous all night.

• DP’s phone is broken (dropped multiple times). The BF asked where he got it and DP said I’d bought it for him. BF said ‘that says it all. Don’t trust Purdy to buy one for you’.
• GF and I are talking and they overhear us talking about makeup. DP says ‘women’ and BF says ‘not all women, just the one’
• eating food. I say I like something that BF doesn’t like. He replies ‘what would you know about flavour’.

And that was all within the first 30 mins of the nights.

We only just trying again. We did live together but he moved out when we split. I don’t want to rush into things again and in the light of the morning I’m starting to remember why (one of many reasons).

In your shoes I'd say to him (the friend) directly in front of every one 'do you have a problem with me? if so let's have it out on the table now or I'd appreciate you not trying to make me the butt of your jokes as they are not funny to anyone'

But then I'm not bothered about confrontation so maybe that's just me

You need to articulate your feelings clearly to your DP as well and not expect him to be a mind reader. Give him some solid examples to process. If he doesn't do anything then I'd let the relationship go as he's not on the same team as you and this is just going to be a miserable situation all round.

Your partner sounds rather immature. What are you getting from your relationship with your partner? Given how long you’ve been together and the fact you have a child together, it all sounds a bit nothingy and undefined somehow - did you by any chance split because you felt he was insufficiently committed to you and the relationship? Or not committed in an adult way ie still interacting as if you were 20 rather than parents in your early 30s? I may be reading to much into your posts but that’s how it sounds to me.

What would you like from life? Would you, for example, like to have another child? Do you see that happening with your partner? Would you prefer the freedom to make a family with another man if that opportunity became available? You may be completely happy with one child and children may be entirely irrelevant in this equation but if they’re not, it’s worth bearing in mind that he could comfortably father children into his 40s and 50s. He might at that point decide he can act like a grown-up and go swanning off with someone younger and start a family with her, leaving you in the lurch.

But even if you aren’t interested in having further children, do you really want a partner who puts his relationship with his friend ahead of his relationship with you? Absolutely he should be able to maintain both relationships but if his friend is giving you a hard time, then he should have your back, not his friend’s. That’s one of the ways in which he sounds rather immature.

Sounds like the worm is turning. That was great what you said to your dp:I said to DP (who suffers from anxiety), imagine if I turned round after you giving me your worries, demanded specifics and then told you that you are wrong

Hopefully he will think about this. Though I agree with a PP, he sounds incredibly immature.

But one thing, please please stop reminding your dp about the friend's birthday and buying him presents . Stop being a doormat.

It's great that you are starting to stick up for yourself. Write down those examples as they come back to you.

Talk again. I cannot see how you can spend any more time with this other man. It sounds incredibly stressful and disrespectful. Only you know if you still want to have a relationship with your dp though.

I agree with Chamomileteaplease stop doing the wife work and reminding your partner about his friends birthday and buying presents for someone who not only doesn’t like you but seems to be actively trying to get in the way of your relationship.

He’s probably furious with you because he knows you are right, he has not done enough to stand up for you. What do you want out of this relationship? You’ve been together since you were around 20 but has the relationship matured in this time? You’re currently living apart, I think I would be thinking about if I want to spend my life with this man. It’s easier to split now you’re living separately. You don’t seem to be gaining a great deal from being with him.

Why are you even thinking of getting back together?

Your DP and his BF are made for each other.

@Nanny0gg

Why are you even thinking of getting back together?

Your DP and his BF are made for each other.

Yes I agree with this, OP. Sounds like he has a much closer relationship with his friend than with you. In your shoes I'd cut my losses and only have your DP as part of your shared child's life, and nothing more.

Good luck to you, whatever you decide. 🌹

Your partner should be your biggest fan, your cheerleader if you like. Your DP is cheering on his best mate who speaks to you like shit; let them have one another because this isn't going to change.

Next time you go out, why not make a short note of the 'comments' - maybe use a word app on your phone so it doesn't look suspicious. When you get home you can get your notes out and repeat them to your DP. (I get brain fog too after drinking).
Basically, he hasn't got your back and he's probably in denial about the 'comments' and playing on your lack of recall.
Honestly, move on, you deserve so much better.

He came round yesterday to make amends. Apologised and said he gets it and that he was unfair, but I was still the one left sad after feeling affronted first by the BF and then DP all in one night. I wanted support and felt like I was in the wrong.

We've been living separate lives for 8 months and some of the men I've met whilst dating during that time have made DP look like a saint. Plus having our DS together, I wanted to try again and see if we could have a 'happy family'. But all the reasons I ended it in the first place are still there - I don't really know why I expected it to be different.

DP has a tendency to go on the offence against anything I say. It can be something neutral and objective and he'll still find a way to be on the opposing team, and it's so draining after a while. I've realised that my life has been mostly drama free since we broke and I stopped crying - but it's slowly creeping back again.

Thank you for your responses. It's making me aware that this is just the tip of the iceberg and I did leave for a reason. If he can't have my back on something like this, he's not going to stop being combative about other things and I can see where it's going to go. I've asked him to give me some space for a couple of weeks to think and I'll see how I feel from there.

Your partner sounds stroppy. I would get rid of the both of them as much as possible- this is a bad scene. Have only basic contact with him about practicalities about DS.

You could keep in touch with the GF by herself if you feel the need.