How can you afford to leave?

[Mirr0rBaLL]

I've been with my husband for 15 years, 1 DC aged 8 and I've recently realised that we've come to the end of the road. We still get on OKish as friends but everything else - closeness, sex, feeling like a couple - has just disappeared. I've tried really hard to fix it but it's just not working. But when I think about separating I just don't know how it would possibly work financially?? I work part time (school hours 5 days a week, term time only but not a teacher so not a great wage) and absolutely could not afford to support myself and my DC on my wage. My DH works full time but doesn't earn loads - not enough to give money to us whilst also paying for a place for himself etc. We are currently paying a mortgage (joint) on a house which we could sell but it wouldn't give us much profit - possibly enough for a deposit but I don't see how I cold get a mortgage alone on my salary. I just don't see how we can split and live independently - obviously I could get a full time job too but then I think so much of my wage would go on holiday clubs (we have no family near us to offer childcare) I just don't know how much would be left? Is anyone else in the same situation? Or have you managed to leave and sort something out?

The first step would be to increase your hours to full time to increase your earnings. Can you look at higher paying jobs? Can you retrain or do a professional qualification if needed?

Presumably you would be entitled to some kind of benefits too. I often see the Entitled to calculator recommended here.

And no, you are unlikely to get a mortgage that is large enough on your salary. Typically banks will lend under 4 times your salary, so if you earn £15k you could borrow up to £60k

You’d probably be entitled to working tax credits if you’re wages are low and your DH would have to pay child maintenance based on his salary. I think you’d probably have to think about renting and think about what’s within your budget, whether that means a flat instead of a house.

Excellent advice other options:
You could move to a cheaper area, you might consider interest only mortgage, much smallet property like a 1 bes and then have a sofa bed in the living room, this is not ideal but some separated parents have a flat which they take turna to stay in half the week while children are kept in the family home. Air bnb might have more flexible but obviously less secure tenures. You could separate but continue to live together... some people do it but i think its very hard.
You could move back to near your family and stay with them while you build finances and get a full time job.

Whichever way you chop it your finances as one person wont be like your finances as two. With regards to non term time jobs and childcare, your partner can chip in, too if the custody is 50 50 then he should also pay for half the childcare inless its not his days?
And benefits might top up your childcare costs.

Honestly I think this is a big reason why couples still stay together, it is hard with a child to support. If you are still friends with OH, why not try to sort out your job first - tell him you want to get full time work, get your child used to breakfast and after school club, build up a few months of savings. Perhaps you could even broach the fact that the relationship has reached its end point and you are preparing to move out.

Personally I would find the stress of a break up much harder if I couldn’t support myself, and I would want to offer my child a decent new home and not force his dad into penury either (who does that to a friend?). Even on an excellent full time salary, the idea of renting a house, furnishing it, paying for bills etc would be terrifying enough, but doing it with no family support nearby and a low income, I would find it really hard to jump. Selling a house would not be quick, and very hard on your DC for parents to split, family home sold, mum suddenly busy full time in work, dad and mum both stressed and upset etc. Could you rent for a year and then look for a mortgage? Might be easier.

You would be entitled to benefits and maintenance. Mortgage companies take that into consideration.

It’s going to take some planning so first thing to do is look for fulltime work & childcare which is a joint expense, not just yours. Many employers flexible these days re timings. I used to start work at 9:30 so could drop off DS at school work through lunch and leave at 5 to collect him from after school club.

I’ve never let go of my job, its my independence but I am lucky as its quite flexible so means DS is my first priority but its our safeguard if anything goes wrong!