Post birth intimacy

[Daddy35NW]

Hi, I can’t actually believe I’m posting on mumsnet, but just after a little bit of advice and possibly criticism (braces).
I’m in my second year of marriage and fifth year of my relationship. We had a beautiful daughter prior to the lock down. Things couldn’t be better with regards our daughters development and our enjoyment from being first time parents, but our relationship is kind of struggling. I appreciate that children are disruptive to relationships and that is to be expected to some degree, but we seem to have no time for each other between caring for our daughter, work, keeping a home etc.
We have had sex twice in 12months, and I’ve tried go be considerate, but it is starting to concern me and make me worried for our long term future.
I have always had a higher sex drive than my wife, she has a very stressful career and often uses this as a reason to avoid sex. I can honestly count on one have the times she has initiated sex and I feel that if I didn’t bring it up, then it would never happen.
It’s not as if I always want it either. The problem has got worse since the birth of our daughter(understandably), but it was present beforehand. If I’m honest our daughter was likely conceived after a discussion about lack of sex.
She swears it’s not an attraction issue and that it’s often how she feels about herself. She insists on a bath, and full self-pampering session before she’ll even entertain the idea, despite me often saying I’m not bothered and find her attractive regardless.
When I broach the subject now, she’ll brush it off with some false promises and then when the time comes she starts telling me I’m selfish and unsupportive for bringing it up when she’s stressed.
We have a great life, both have really good careers, lovely home and family. We get on exceptionally well for the most part and I don’t want to be with anybody else. I’m concerned for our future though and more concerned that she has this fantastic ability to make me feel bad about myself by accusing me of being selfish.
Is our sexual frequency in anyway normal for a healthy couple in our 30s?

It takes ages for things to settle down after a baby. I think we had sex about 3 times in the first year. Sex wasn’t painful but my god an orgasm was so I just didn’t want sex and I’d had a c section so wasn’t expecting any problems. I was also exhausted
Thankfully dh didn’t pressure or even ask. If normally you didn’t feel there was enough sex that’s a separate issue to not enough post baby. Post baby you’ve got to give it a year

Thanks for the responses. No point speaking to men about this and it’s insightful to get the experienced female point of view. I had no idea that it’s fairly normal for things to go off the boil for such an extended period, even though I can see the logic. I guess I need to see how things progress and not push too hard. I can accept that she may not desire sex with me, but I think it’s a deeper issue with her, as in it’s just a lower libido mixed with a confidence element.

This was me and my husband!! If I didn't know better I'd say you were him!

I think my husband wanted things to be now they were when we first met, but we aren't the people we were when we first met.. I've progressed significantly in my work which is more stressful, he's started a business which I have to managed the paper work side of, we've got a house, 2 kids and a dog.. I struggle with confidence with post baby body and weight gain and Between all of that it's just not my priority and even when it is I feel conscious. My husband tells me all the time I'm beautiful but it's irrelevant what he thinks.. it's how I feel.

I know you say you're helping, but are you helping her with the things she feels she needs help with.. my husband always argued he helped me loads.. and he really did try but he didn't do the things that eased my load.. he tended to do the washing a lot but the washing piling up doesn't stress me out.. he'd of been better taking a wipe to the bathrooms or packing the kids bags for the next day. He done a lot with the kids.. so if he felt I was getting stressed he'd take the kids out for a long walk with the dog.. whereas actually my issue was I had so much to do I wasn't getting to spend quality time with the kids so taking them out didn't actually help me feel better at the time. I used to say nothing because I knew he was trying but he wasn't getting it right at all. you need to talk about what will help and what won't because you could well be trying really hard but completely missing the point.

Also, my husband knew I felt bad about my weight and post baby body but he never really supported me to fix it because he didn't think it needed fixing and it's very hard to focus on doing something for yourself when you're juggling so much.. so I asked him to be more supportive and encouraging and so now instead of taking the kids out from under my feet in the evening for a walk he makes me stop everything and join them.. when I can't be arsed to cook because I'm exhausted he doesn't default to a take away.. he will cook something instead.. little things but they make me feel so much better.

It isn't you who need to open and honest, it's your wife.. you've put your feelings on the table.. she now needs to tell you all her issues and work on a solution together. It wasn't until I realised that it was me who needed to open up that things started to improve.

Hi thanks for the reply. Your previous situation does sound very similar. I also run a business and my wife’s career is progressing.
My wife talks about it not always being her priority, especially after having no time to herself, very tired etc and I have to understand that.
Sometimes I think women can think that men don’t have emotions and I’m not sure why we’re always expected to work out the issues from subtle clues rather than just being straight up, but I guess that is another debate.
I do the washing lots, cook most of our food, spend quality time playing with our daughter (when not in work), but I must admit that cleaning is my downfall and my wife does get irritated by it.
I do hoover and tidy up, take the bins out etc without prompting, as I do appreciate a tidy space, but no matter how I try, I can’t seem to clean as well as she can. I think that as I do so many of the remaining chores that this is quite fair.
We’ve had a good day today, and there is lots of talk of the future and further children. I maybe need to be more patient and understanding. I just want my wants and needs to be equally valid.
I am naturally quite selfish in some ways. I’ve been my own boss since I was 21 and never really had to answer to anybody and sometimes expect that people will want to do what I want to do. I need to be more mindful of what she may be feeling. I think she is stressing about our daughter starting nursery and her returning to work, which is looming.

@Wifeofbikerviking

I've just realised I missed the third paragraph from the bottom, you are obviously not breastfeeding! Sorry about that....however is your wife?

It is quite normal for relationships to be very strained in the first few years. My husband was shocked at the loss of who he thought I was and we have had to take time to find our new normal.

Many people that I know who have broken up post baby have done so around 18month to 2years after having a child and I believe it is the most challenging time.

😂😂😂😂 made my night this has