I’m going to have to leave in the morning and I’m heartbroken for DS

[Squirrels1974]

Just as the title says really. I’m just settling down on my little boys bedroom floor for the night. Tonight was the last row and I’m done with this relationship. My poor boy is probably going to wake in the night and wonder what on earth his bloody mother is doing on his floor, I can’t face sharing a bed tonight.

I feel absolutely shit and heartbroken that tomorrow I’m going to remove my DS from his dad who he adores, and who adores him and stop him from seeing his daddy every day. DS is going to be so confused and ultimately heartbroken.

I’m so angry that my boy is going to suffer because two bloody fully grown adults who brought a life into this world can’t get their shit together.

I know in reality they’ll see each other all the time and they’ll love each other just the same but I just wish I could give DS the family he deserves. He didn’t ask for this. I’m still breastfeeding so he has to come with me, and for now won’t be able to spend overnight etc with his dad. Although I’ll not limit when or how much they can see each other.

I don’t really want anything from this thread. Just a cathartic release of writing this down as I’m done one to cry about it.

Tomorrow’s I’m going to have to be strong because I’m going to have to do this alone.

Good luck OP. It will be ok.

You've got this. Make that little boy proud of the strong, caring mummy he has, who takes shit from no one, and will do whatever it takes to give him the happy, argument free home he deserves.

As long as you both put your DS interests at the forefront and if your can effectively coparent...it'll be okay for DS.

I know this isn't what you signed up for... but these things happen and as DS is so young...his memories of mum and dad together will quickly fade.

he will think yur strong one day for leaving-and he wont even know any different if hes so young

Oh darling I was in your position this time last year. Your DS will thrive in a happy household, it doesn't matter if you think it's broken, I guarantee you he will not. He has everything he needs in you and the bonus of having a second home to visit when he stays with his dad.

The early days are hard because of the guilt but I promise you it gets better, you will get through this ❤️

THIS

You've got this. Make that little boy proud of the strong, caring mummy he has, who takes shit from no one, and will do whatever it takes to give him the happy, argument free home he deserves.

You are doing the right thing, both for your son, and for yourself.

Your son would suffer far more, hearing and watching the two people he loves most in the world, fighting and yelling.

You are saving him months/ years of heartbreak and confusion.

There's nothing worse for a child than to witness anger, nastiness and raised voices saying terribly hurtful things in anger, and not being able to process such behaviour.

Children cope much better when the parents split and stop fighting. Two calm and loving parents who live in different houses is always better for the child psychologically than living within a dysfunctional home where no-one is happy.

You know what you need to do. You deserve to be happy.

You ARE going to give him the family he deserves.

A family with two happier, healthier parents who happen to not be a couple and not live together.

Growing up in a home with parents who have an unhappy, unhealthy relationship and therefore model that as what a relationship looks like to the kids, is far more harmful.

Hope all goes well today lovely. Wishing you and your DS a brighter future. 🌺

Thanks for the kind words all. It’s been a sad morning. We’ve retreated to my mums for the time being. I’ll be glad for a bit of support.

Part of me hopes some separation will help us gain some perspective and we will work things out with a bit of time and space.

He’s a good man and a great father. We’ve had a rough deal with this baby and life’s been hard work and it’s taken it’s toll. I wish things had worked out differently.

How are you doing, love?

@Squirrels1974 how are you doing, I hope you find your feet and happiness too

Your title sounded like you were leaving your children so I'm glad to read you're not being forced to do this. That would have been so hard on you. children are very flexible. They will get used to the new routine. Please don't feel guilty. Feel proud that you are giving you child the freedom of not being subject to arguments and an awkward upbringing if you remain in a hostile environment x

OP I just wanted to say I felt the same way when it had finally got to a point with exdh that it had to end. I felt so unutterably guilty for the DC . We are now 4 years on and I absolutely promise you the dc are happier than they were in a home with a failing relationship in. They see their df every weekend in some way or another , they are still close to them and we co parent better now than we ever did when we were married.

I won't lie and say it was all plain sailing but I absolutely promise you for all the guilt I had at the time it has turned out to be the best thing for my DC. It will be ok I promise

Oh you poor thing. Strangely, DH and I were discussing our parents' marriages earlier. We were both brought up by parents who stayed together in unhappy marriages with frequent rows. It emotionally damaged both of us, affected confidence and led to both of us choosing first marriage partners who were definitely poor choices. We were discussing this as we spend time with the child of two parents who are in an unhappy and volatile marriage. There's no doubt it is affecting her negatively and she often seeks reassurance from us that 'everyone who's married argues a lot'

Anyway, I guess that was a very long winded way of saying you are doing the right thing for your child, however awful it feels now. He will grow up with parents who love him and have done the right thing for his long term security and happiness.

Your son wont remember this so living separately will be his normal omce he is used to it.
A kid living with mum and dad is no longer the norm. 2 separate homes which are happy is the best for children. Xxx

Take the time apart to catch your breath, let your feelings settle and really think about your relationship. Have you tried couples counselling and would that help? That's a question for days or weeks down the line, really, but one to keep in mind.

If your relationship is beyond repair, then walking away is absolutely best for everyone, especially while your son is so young and will likely just accept the new situation. It'll be much harder to break the longer you leave it.

It's painful, but you've done the best thing for your family in taking this initial step. Get looked after by your parents for now, I'm sure you could really do with it.

Hi all,

Thanks for all the support. It really means a lot. We’re fine, being looked after at my mums. I took DS to see his dad yesterday and it was fine. We went for a walk and took DS to the park and then had dinner as a family and let his dad bath him and say goodnight before we left.
We have spoken about counselling yesterday and have decided we should give it ago whilst we are separated as it’ll give us both space to work through it.
Everything is fine and very amicable at the moment.

Sorry if my title was misleading. DS is with me. I’m BF so he has to be with me at the moment although his dad has said he would like 50/50 in the future once BF has ended and we would build up gradually / give DS a say in it.
I’m planning to allow DS to wean himself off BF when he is ready so it’s not going to be soon and his dad is fine with this and agrees being with me is the best for DS at the moment.

I don’t think I have a problem with 50/50 in the future. Although I’d miss DS terribly. What’s the norm?
I have absolutely no reason why DS shouldn’t be with his dad 50/50, he loves him, is happy in his company and his dad takes great care of him. I know he’d bring him home if DS asked / was upset / missed me / needed a hug and was asking for me etc. He would put DS happiness first.

I’m starting to want to work things out a bit more but perhaps that’s just because I miss him.

My heads all over the shop right now.

Well for someone all over the shop, you seem really pragmatic and you're both dealing with this admirably. I do agree counselling whilst apart sounds like a really good plan if you go ahead with it. Get lots of rest - or as much as you can with a little one) and let yourself heal. You both sound like great parents, who put your son first.

I was in your position a few months ago and ended up calling his parents as I was leaving partner and couldn't take it anymore. Again breastfeeding so I was taking dc with me. I called his dad and gave him a ultimatum and said his grandchild is going to live under a roof without his father because your son doesn't know how to be family. I got married and had a baby so we could live in a stable home but so far, dc hasn't been living in a stable home with parents loving and respecting each other. It's not fair on your grandchild. My fil then went up to DH and gave him a right bollocking and my own dad was also involved and he came over and said to DH that he would take us in for the time being and will look after us. He could see his child whenever he wants but won't ever see me and dad would be involved in arranging pick ups etc. This bollocking and ultimatum gave DH a reality call. We are still together with DH and he has changed a lot, his attitude and can see his affection. Touch wood- we haven't argued in months and now much more respectful and loving towards each other.

Is there anyone you could talk to that might help? Sometimes people think they can get away with things and let it slide but when you involve someone like family (dh respects his dad a lot) could solve issues like this. I didn't want to leave as we love each other and I married so we could have children in a stable home and loving relationship. It's sometimes very easy for people to tell you to leave the relationship etc but I think some relationships could be saved and worked on. I'm not saying I've got the hang of this as I was in the same situation as you a few months ago but we did work on it with the help of respectable family members.

@Cam2020 - perhaps that’s the worst part. Why couldn’t we do this when we lived together.

@woopsie - I don’t think there would be anyone and I think knowing him it would just put him back up and make him angry and would probably break down communication between us.

I think me actually leaving has taken its toll. The only ever time I’ve seen him cry is when DS was born. I’ve had a tearful call this morning that he can’t sleep without us at home and that he misses us terribly and wants me to go back.

I’m so torn. Part of me wants to go back, I don’t think he’s one to make something up or create a sob story but equally I don’t want to end up back at square 1.

Opinions?

I’ve also had a text from a mutual friend just to say they’re here for both of us should we need anything. I’ve not told anyone so clearly he’s confided in them. He obviously hasn’t bad mouthed me or the situation and he’s clearly accepted the situation we’re in.

WWYD?

Don’t go back. Go to counselling - you can’t work through this without support and it with either help you leave or help you stay. Win win.

Sorry to drip feed, he’s emailed me this afternoon having booked and paid for a counselling consultation asking me to pick a date and time that works for me. I had asked him to sort this as I’m on unpaid maternity leave at the moment so I don’t have those kinds of funds. We deal with finances separately although he pays me a ‘wage’ since I’ve been off to cover everything.
I’ve booked the session and she’s emailed me saying he’s paid for a block of 6 sessions. He is obviously willing to go through with the counselling.

I’ve said I’ll speak to him about it all tomorrow when he sees DS and he’s not pushed it. He’s going to come round after work tomorrow to do dinner bath and bed for DS so I guess I just want to be mentally prepared for the conversation.

He is playing you . stay put ...
Counselling takes time ... give you your selfs a sessions at least to see if helping.