I'm so sorry, this is long.
I don’t think I know who I am anymore. I’m starting to wonder if I’m insane, if I can’t distinguish between fantasy and reality.
A month ago I was assaulted by my partner. He’d had a number of concerns around my honesty, integrity and fidelity, but I told myself he was insecure, or that I had inadvertently caused it. He was otherwise gentle and the assault came as a complete shock to me. I reported it to the police.
A few days ago, the same day his bail conditions were lifted, I received an email from him. At first glance it was filled with love, care and concern. He told me that he cried for me in his cell. He cried for me because I must have been in such a dark place to make up the allegations. He said he was in shock and disbelief. He said that we both know he didn’t assault me, that he’s concerned for my wellbeing and that he is there for me, a ‘port in the storm’, despite it all. He also said that he had been listening in to some of my conversations with friends, where apparently I had told them I didn’t love him among other things, which I have never done. But now I wonder, maybe I did?
I think that maybe I am crazy. I remember the assault clearly. I remember the way it felt, the way things looked, the way he looked. But how do I know my memories are real? Am I delusional? I had bruises. I have photos of the bruises. They didn’t get there on their own. But maybe they did?
When I was a child, I was sexually, physically and emotionally abused by my parents. When I was 22 I confronted them, having been mostly NC since I was 15. They denied it. They told me I was crazy. Imagining things. That I needed to take medication. Making it up. Lying.
He regularly told me I had memory problems. If I even misquoted him or somebody else slightly, it was proof I couldn’t remember things properly. At first I snapped back that there was nothing wrong with my memory, but over time it became so convincing that I believed him. I even started taking memory tests online and mentioned it to a doctor. Does not being able to remember a conversation verbatim constitute memory problems? I genuinely don’t know anymore.
There were so many things about me he said weren’t normal. It wasn’t normal not to tell him everything, even if it was something from years ago that I thought didn’t concern him. It wasn’t normal to stay at a friend’s house later than I said I would. It wasn’t normal not to want him turning up on my doorstep with no prior warning (‘you’re my girlfriend!’), it wasn’t normal not to want him coming into the hairdressers looking for me when I hadn’t even told him exactly which hairdressers I was going to, it wasn’t normal to not want to have sex every day because all his previous girlfriends did (we had a very good sex life until I began to feel depressed and smothered).
A few months into the relationship, on learning I had been in abusive relationships in the past, he became very concerned I would accuse him of being abusive. So much so that, unbeknown to me, he contacted one of the abusive ex-partners and went to meet him to talk about his concerns. He didn’t seem to think there was anything wrong with this, but told me repeatedly that I didn’t seem capable of having a normal, healthy relationship.
I was abnormal, untrustworthy, a liar. I lost count of the number of times he said, ‘You lied to me’ and each time I wouldn’t have a clue what he was talking about. He was convinced I was having an affair with a male friend. There was a horrible incident that involved me not coming home when I said I would and having to put him on speakerphone to prove I wasn't alone with my friend, him coming round and causing a scene etc. On a number of occasions he did the 'I know' thing, expecting a confession. He was convinced I'd slept with somebody else because I changed the sheets. But at the same time he thought I was amazing, said he had never loved anyone as much as he loved me, told me how strong he thought I was, how talented. He was kind and gentle and almost never lost his temper, and most of the time it felt loving and fun.
I have never felt so confused in my whole life. I’m not a ‘vulnerable’ person despite how it may seem. I’m very good at spotting unpleasant behaviours in people on the whole, just not when it comes to relationships. I’m very independent, confident and resilient. Or at least I was.
I’m questioning my sanity. I can feel his eyes on me as I’m writing this, shaking his head, telling me I’m a liar, that I need help. His words go round and round in my head, and now my parents’ words are there too. He’s so concerned for me that I would make such things up. I’ve been in a daze since I received his email and have even considered taking my life. It feels like confirmation he was right about my 'dark place' - I can only think about how the world would be better off without me. It’s like my brain has been blown apart and I don’t know who I am anymore.
I don’t know why I’ve written all this or even what I’m trying to achieve. I contacted my local domestic violence organisation this morning but I’m still waiting for them to get back to me. I don’t think I can be helped because I don’t know what I need help for. What he did to me, or the fact I'm apparently a disturbed, pathological liar in a dark place.