How do I learn to live with this?

[WingingIt101]

I have posted before in this topic regarding my MIL and had some very helpful advice - I actually asked MN to delete my most recent thread as in my upset I posted and left lots of specific details in that would have been outing.

So as not to drip feed I have always tried to get along with her but she is very passive aggressive and intrusive, overstepping boundaries constantly and making me feel that despite over a decade with her son I am merely a uterus and an egg and am acceptable enough to provide day care for her first precious grandchild.

When we are together she smothers my dc and ignores my requests which are fairly minimal.
I am told by other friends and family that I am very generous and relaxed with the baby despite her being my first - I encourage her to sit with others and offer “would you like to feed her” “would you like to join in bath time etc” and regularly accept help - it takes a village and all that.

We have been on holiday with mil and various family friends and she has provided precisely zero assistance. She has constantly shoved a camera in baby’s face and then shared the photos with her extended family but not in chats I’m on so I can’t get the photos, linked all upset and shit moments to me “oh dear did silly mummy make you cry by putting you in your coat” whilst anything positive or happy is linked to her or my dh “granny makes you smile” “ooh you love your daddy”
Others have stepped in and helped - I was making breakfast one day and baby started crying so Family friend picked up baby and cheered her up, I was really grateful. But mil typically ignores her til she decides she wants her at which point we must make baby totally happy and accessible for her e.g stopping feeding so she can get a photo. She holds her for a couple of minutes then complains she is tired, uncomfortable or - my favourite “oh god the baby has been sick, I have to change my whole outfit now. How annoying” and will hold her but the second baby cries or needs a nappy change will pass her to me without speaking.

I’ve talked to dh. He can’t see she’s doing anything wrong and In his defence she’s pretty sly with it. She will only say things when he isn’t there for example so he promises to step in if he sees it but he just doesn’t - he can’t be with me all the time.

We are totally different people but at the end of the day she is my husbands mother and my daughters grandma, he loves her to death and I hope my daughter will too. So how do I cope with this for the rest of my life? I’ve had the most miserable first holiday with my little family as a result of her behaviour toward me and I know as a result I’ll dread the next time we see her which isn’t fair on any of us

Where are your boundaries at with regards to his mother?. They are pitifully low and these need to be raised as a matter of urgency. For starters you do not have to go on holiday with them or infact socialize with them. Do not let her ruin any more holidays; go on holiday yourselves as a family.

You do not have to have any sort of relationship with her and I would keep your children well away from her too. Not all people, let alone relatives, are nice and kind and some of them are really not safe to be around.

Why would you want your child to love someone whom you describe as smothering your child let alone disrespecting you as her mother?. Children are often quite indiscriminate in their love which is why they need parents to guide them. Not every person is safe to have around and this is a good time to teach that important life lesson. The more matter-of-fact you are, the more matter-of-fact your children will be. When we act hysterical, they will usually reflect our hysteria. If you act anxious, they will act anxious. If you appear unsure, they will push. Model the reaction and attitude you want your children to adopt.

Would you put up with this from a friend or for that matter your own parents; I daresay you would not and your H's mother is no different.

Your DH grew up with her and so regards her behaviour here as normal when it is clearly not. She was not a good parent to him when he was growing up (he is also mired in Fear, Obligation and Guilt as are you) and she is not a decent and good example of a grandparent to your children now. She merely wants her own way here and does not care whom she hurts in the process. She sees you as perhaps competition, not good enough for her darling boy and or a threat and treats you as such. It is NOT your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way.

Your DH grew up with her and so regards her behaviour here as normal when it is clearly not. He cannot see it but you need to keep telling him how sad and uncomfortable she is making you. Sadly he does not really have your back now and may never do so when it comes to his mother.

You really cannot afford to see your children grow up thinking her behaviour is at all normal or acceptable either. It will do your children no favours at all for them to keep on seeing you as their mother in particular being so disrespected by their paternal grandmother.

You do not have to live with this let alone put up with this from her.

Do read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward. That could also help you here.

You sound as if you have a pretty mature and inclusive attitude. She sounds pretty awful. I cant offer any pearls of wisdom really except to keep telling yourself that you are the better person and you see through her undermining and jealous ways. Flick the v's behind her back!

Plainly you don't have to love with it!

Sorry posted too soon. Live with it I meant. Tell her, just be open and honest about how you feel. Don't get your husband to step in just do it yourself or trust me it'll only get worse.

Does she realise your little one isn’t a doll to be passed over when it pleases her.
I used to use my mum and mil for babysitting, but found that nursery was better for her.
Do you have to have them babysitting? Do you need to have so much to do with them....

how often are you seeing her?
Why not step back a bit, she sounds like hard work.

i'm not suggesting any dramatic argument, just step back and funnel your time and energy into people who are more helpful and a joy to be around.

I’ve talked to dh. He can’t see she’s doing anything wrong
Maybe that's the real problem.

She is demonstrating to your daughter how to treat you - that's not on.

Pick her up Every Single Time. So with the 'mummy making you cry by putting on your coat', you calmly speak to your daughter and say, 'silly MIL, Mummy loves you, but you have to wear your coat, it's raining.'

With the camera - call her out - 'oh, are you going to share those with us? Because you don't usually'. Don't go along with the posing etc - certainly don't stop feeding the baby.

As Attilla says - be boundaried with her.

And distance yourself massively.

It's a pain in the arse, because your husband genuinely won't see it - but the chances of her slipping up and revealing herself will climb massively if you don't give in to her all the time.

She treats you like a host for her dgd because you act like one!! Stop offering up moments you yourself her dm may enjoy!! You are sat accepting the shit bits literally if she won't change a nappy! While mil gets the singing /dancing dgd!!

Pull her up on it, Every Single Time whether DH is there or not.

With the photos, tell her she is not to put any on line that you haven't seen first. Or just not to put any online.

Without knowing your DH it's hard to know whether he just doesn't see it (due to growing up with her) or if he doesn't want to 'upset mummy' so take him out if the equation & speak up. If she gets upset- tough shit.

You sound utterly reasonable with DD, so make it clear to her that you will not tolerate her sly behaviour! Or her 'drama lama' antics!

You don't need to facilitate a relationship between her & DD, you can distance yourself from someone treating you badly, DH can either start to 'see it' and step in or visit her on his own - where he can then choose to stand up for you while she's putting you down or agree with Mumsy & make things worse, but you don't need to see her.

Also, DD does not need to have a close relationship with someone who treats her mum badly. Don't leave DD alone with her as she'll be in her ear putting you down (she's only a baby now, but she'll soon be a toddler being told 'silly mummy' 'horrible mummy'.

Thank you all - I know you are right.

she lives a few hours away whilst my mum is in the same village so naturally she sees her an awful lot more but I and my mum are very careful to not to make it seem like we are rubbing it in her face that my mum gets a lot more contact.

I think it’s so hard because this last week has been so intense - perhaps it would be calmer if she were able to see us more frequently - I do back away a lot when we aren’t staying in the same place!!

Oops posted too soon!
We don’t have lots to do with her and don’t rely on family for babysitting thankfully. Nursery is totally our preferred option too.

I’d love to be able to call her out - in the long run I need to but I think I struggle because she makes me so cross to do it in a calm and objective way, so will just come across petty and unkind - I’m terrible at this sort of thing but aware I need to put on some big girl pants

And flick the vs behind her back as someone suggested 😂

Imo family members don't get 'contact'.. They spend time together and build relationships.. More hours spent does not equal a better one!!
Yabu to give head space to adults who are foot stamping about YOUR dc!