Do I give this another go or do I walk away

[whatdoesthismeaneh]

I have had an extremely topsy turvy relationship with the ex. We have a 6 year old child together. Spent 3 years on and off living in separate bedrooms (which aside from other issues I prefer because she and I wake and sleep at slightly different times).

Initially in the relationship I put her on pedestal and gave her everything, did everything she wanted and tried to please her 100%. From lots of little things life going to Costa to get her favourite coffee on a Saturday morning before she woke up to doing housework etc. She kind of took this for granted but also she put a lot of work into things that I took for granted and didn't care about either. In retrospect I regret that. She was definitely very controlling and very temperamental. Initially I was fine with this and basically knew no better, after a while this was exhausting and I wasnt able to maintain it and really disliked it. Everything was on her terms.

I think she destroyed our relationship when for childcare reasons she moved her family into the house for 18 months (all speaking a foreign language - but very nice people - just a lot for me to take). I avoided being in the house. Then I had a lot of stress at work (so 3 of us left the company due to what was happening), she didnt get it, didnt care and told me it was nothing compared to the stress she had dealt with. i turned to booze and was emotionally abusive to her. She had an emotional affair with a guy at work. We had counselling for months to split up. We had bitter, bitter rows, she attacked me several times and accused me of hitting her (which I didn't).

As I changed jobs and sorted myself out eg exercise, diet, no booze and went on a crusade to win her heart back she continued this emotional affair, speaking to this guy multiple a day, every morning and every night, sending selfies regularly. There was no physical element to it but she told me she would be happy to marry him and have children with him. He made preparations to buy me out of the family home.

Then he said his son was dying of a brain tumour, his son then died and he said he couldn't help her with buying me out the house anymore. During lockdown he committed suicide. It turned out he was an enormous walter mitty and most of things he had told her (and all his work colleagues) were total lies - it was actually like he never really existed because his lies were so extensive - for instance his son was never ill and was still alive (in fact his son found his body). Honestly I was totally staggered by this - how he managed to keep two lives so separate and was amazing. My ex had been on an emotional rollercoaster providing him with support as son was "dying".

Anyway because she wanted to keep the house, I sorted out finances to enable that to occur (despite her not being able to pay the mortgage in her own right). So now I have remortgaged the house (paying £10k of early repayment charges), to take half the equity with me to a new home whilst remaining on the mortgage so she can continue to live in the house with our son.

But now she has decided she wants to try and save the relationship. I struggle to get past the emotional affair, our sex life has been basically non existent for years, we don't really enjoy each other's company that much anymore, we dont have bitter rows any more because largely we dont have the energy.

For my son's sake should we try again or just move on her and let each other find happiness with other people?

Move on.
Life’s too short to live with someone you don’t even like anymore and you won’t be doing your son any favours, he will just lern a very skewed view of how relationships should be.

I don’t understand why either of you would want to stay in a relationship with this kind of history. You both need to move on, get counselling, make happier lives on your own.

You have both been through an awful lot. Would you consider counselling to be able to talk things through with a neutral ear in order to decide how you really feel about each other?
It will only be beneficial for your son if his parents are in a loving relationship.
Counselling will also help to navigate custody and childcare agreements in the event that you do permanently separate, which if both parties come to an agreement will likely be less stressful for your son than trying to do it through solicitors and the courts.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

How long have you been together in total?

I think it depends if you can both be emotionally healthy..have you each grown and developed better coping standards? Do you like each other?

Has your son witnessed the bitter rows? If so then you deserve to give him respite and Co parent from a distance.

This relationship seems very toxic. For your sons sake move on.

Move on she needs to work through what's happened before she will be ready for a relationship with anyone.

It sounds very toxic!!

This sounds awfully dysfunctional and chaotic and there doesn't seem to have been a time when your relationship was functioning well. Or if there was, it's long gone.

Don't get back together for your son's sake. If you don't want to go back - and no-one could blame you for not wanting to - then that's enough reason not to go back. It sounds like you will just be miserable together which would not be a good relationship model for your son.

It sounds like you would be much better off focusing on building a successful co-parenting relationship where your son can see that parents can be separated but still work together well in a functional and friendly way to ensure he has everything he needs. In due course, you may both become involved with other people and that will be your chance to show your son that, even if you do settle down with another partner, he will still be the most important person in your life (as should be the case; any subsequent children will be as important but not more so; and no adult should be as important).

Good luck, OP.

I agree with the other posters. I think you know yourself anyway don't you ?

First your sons sake move the fuck on.
Don't go near her again with a twenty foot barge poll xD not that you haven't got your own issues but let's face it, together you were a shit show. Hard pass.

Move on .

Absolutely move on. Don't even dip a tiny toe in this quagmire.
It is not your moral duty to be your ex's soft landing. Your ex chose to lie down with dogs and stood up with fleas. It's not on you, nor does it make you a better father, to now take on her fallout. Your ONLY role here is to be a loving, supportive father to your child. And being your ex's mug and/or saviour is not how you go about doing this. Her mess is hers to resolve.
Be her friend (with a good arm's distance between you two), be a supportive father, remain an ex.

I wanted to add, you should consider self-referring for therapy. As another poster said, you have been through a lot. It's quite traumatic and you could do with some therapy which will help you parent and live your own life more productively and peacefully. Good luck.

www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-psychological-therapies-service/

Noooooo.

Walk away from her. Be there for your son.

Draw a line under this - if, as it reads, it has never been a fulfilling relationship, then you owe it to yourself to find happiness and model to your son what his standards for a happy life can be. Good luck to you x

Hi everyone thank you for the advice! We have been through this so many times before that we have already drawn up co-parenting agreements and discussed finances. We have stopped rowing in front of my son.

I have now told her it is definitely over, she is accepting this but is also rewriting the past with regard to her relationship with the dead man and doesnt want me to leave yet. Having finally resolved to do this, and sorted out the finances I will do this soon rather than change my mind. I will help her with some jobs on the house and find somewhere new to live.

OP, walk away and be a good dad to your son. Good luck

@whatdoesthismeaneh - it's good that you've drawn up co-parenting agreements and discussed finances. It sounds like, deep down, you are both sensible and practical people whose first priority is your shared child so I'm sure you can get to a good place.

As to rewriting history with regard to her relationship with the man who killed himself - perhaps it's okay to let her do that a bit if it helps her let you go and come to terms with your separation. And she isn't necessarily re-writing history as much as you think: we all see events through our own eyes, especially if we're emotionally caught up in them, and a group of people witnessing the same events can genuinely have different views of what has taken place.

Good luck, OP.

So I moved out on Saturday and have seen them both every day since. I miss my son a lot. On Friday I was agonising about doing this, having thought about it for a long time. Initially I felt a sense of euphoria about having moved out.

I miss my son intensely, I spent over an hour on the phone to my ex last night discussing what went wrong with our relationship in a rational normal way.

Are these feelings normal?

I think so .

Some one with more experience will

post soon .