Am I being over sensitive?

[ShouldIPlayEveryPianoISee]

Ok.

I grew up constantly being told I was 'too fat' and that my body shape meant that no one would ever want/love me.

I believed it for years and spent many years hiding my body away and being ashamed. Constantly dieting and avoiding men and sex because of it. I've since accepted that the problem with my body wasn't actually my body.

Anyway, years have passed. I'm a 12/14 and comfortable with my body and the way I look. I'm losing half a stone or so so that I'm a more standard 12.

It also means I have zero tolerance for any level of 'body shaming' or negative comments around my appearance within a relationship. I've ended several blossoming relationships after it's been suggested I could do with "losing a few kilos" or comments about me not looking good in jeans etc. My shape means I've never had, nor will I ever have, a slim, toned lean body.

My boyfriend is similarly trying to lose around half a stone. I think he looks great and have told him so.

He has made no such reassurances to me. And last night when we were talking about this 1/2 stone, I said that I wanted to lose this weight but I would never be 'slim' even if I wanted to be. His response was "that's just a choice though. There are plenty of women your age with great bodies."

So now I'm in a quandary. We were discussing weight and weightloss but i didnt ask him for an appraisal of my body. Nor an implication that my body is unattractive - which is how I took his comment.

I'd normally end it at this point but that would be every single man I've dated in the last 10 years I've broken up with for criticising my body in some way.

Am I being over sensitive and was his comment actually fine?

@WorraLiberty, given my build and height, I would be overweight if I wore size 12. It's not a dig at anyone.

I have no idea how tall or muscular OP is. She might be 5'11" or 4'11".

[quote MikeUniformMike]@WorraLiberty, given my build and height, I would be overweight if I wore size 12. It's not a dig at anyone.

I have no idea how tall or muscular OP is. She might be 5'11" or 4'11".[/quote]
That's exactly what I mean. We're all different heights, shapes and sizes
🤷‍♀️

Given your strong feelings about this subject why discuss it at all?

I’m not sure what response you wanted from him? Are you? If it’s that you’re perfect as you are then that doesn’t match with you wanting to lose half a stone, which isn’t much anyway. So it was either a fishing exercise - fair enough but pretty risky - or a statement of fact, and either way you’d feel he’d failed.

Talking in dress sizes is very vague and unhelpful anyway. You can be the same weight and an 8 in Marks and a 14 in jane Norman, if the latter still exists.

Are you a healthy weight for your height?

If not would you be half a stone lighter?

Does this man usually make you feel attractive and desirable? If so be pleased with that and don’t play games. If not, ditch him and find someone who does.

I’m not sure it’s that complicated. If weight is a touchy subject simply don’t talk about it. You’re using it as a key test to weed people out. There is so much more to life, attractiveness, dating, being in a serious relationship with someone you deeply love and admire than 7 lbs of fat.

@WorraLiberty, yes we are and many people with great bodies are not stick thin.

Or right. I didn't realise describing someone as enormous could be a compliment. Whatever.

Was that aimed at me @User856334967.
Twist things to suit yourself, why don't you?

@MikeUniformMike

No, it wasn't actually. You went onto a thread where the OP said she had had critisism about her size and the described yourself as being enormous if you were that size. I get you're short but it's still a stupid comment. I don't really have anything to say to you.

I'm trying to imagine myself telling my partner that loads of other men have great bodies... nope, wouldn't say it, because it's unkind and I do think my partner's body is great, even though he's not some muscle bound gym-going model.

The man who is supposed to make you feel amazing about yourself - loved and desired - told you to your face you don’t have a great body in his opinion.

It would be a deal breaker for me. That level of insensitivity.

“There are plenty of women your age with great bodies."

And there are plenty of men his age with a six pack

I’d take what’s he’s said as an insult personally. I wouldn’t finish a relationship over it or anything drastic but I’d definitely be annoyed.

You say you’ve dealt with years of criticism regarding your body shape and size, do you think you’ve developed a bit of an unhealthy obsession... or preoccupation with your body?

told you to your face you don’t have a great body in his opinion.
But did he actually say that OP doesn't have a great body?

"that's just a choice though. There are plenty of women your age with great bodies." implies that perhaps, but it is open to interpretation.

@MikeUniformMike I think your post really takes the cake

Oh for goodness sake, a size 12 is slim.

What kind of body does your boyf have? I doubt it's 'perfect '.

A person has a certain shape they can't change eg hips, legs
Why there is the apple, pear shape descriptions and why certain clothing is flattering on different people eg v neck etc
If you accept your body, it doesn't really matter what anyone says, ignore it.
If we were all the same, it would be pretty boring.

And yes it is a shit thing to say to your girlfriend.

My DH doesn't have a 'great' body.
That does not mean I don't think his body is great.
It's given me so much comfort, pleasure, played an important part in giving me children, I find it attractive and it belongs to the man I love most in the world. It's healthy and allows us to live and do fun things together. I wouldn't change it at all.

I don't think your DP was saying he finds you unattractive. He was just saying there is always the choice to go all out for the 'stereotypical' great body. And he's right. You, me and millions of other people don't think it's worth the cost and are happier overall not perusing that. But it doesn't mean it's not theoretically possible.

I think your problem isn't whether what he said was 'ok' but your hair trigger for ending relationships over it. You need to have a comfort/tolerance zone where you allow people to say less than perfect things. Because people aren't perfect. And talking about weight is a minefield.

Zero tolerance isn't necessarily a nice, healthy, boundaried approach you've learnt after your painful upbringing. It may just be a brutal and show your lack of ability to tolerate normal conversation around the issue. By all.means confront and disagree and state your case, but instant dismissal of anyone you're in a relationship with doesn't seem helpful for you.

@EKGEMS, which post and why?

Your post which states "I'd be enormous at a size 12" Just poor wording,I hope because otherwise you've alienated a lot of people by that sentence.

EKGEMS, I would be enormous at size 12. I wouldn't be slim, I'd be carrying an extra 3 st or so. I'm in the normal weight range now but wouldn't be at that weight.

Size is just a number, and as I explained in a subsequent post, it depends on height and build.

I feel that OP by saying I said that I wanted to lose this weight but I would never be 'slim' even if I wanted to be. was almost guaranteed to prompt the wrong reaction.

Personally I think it’s in the partner job description to cheer lead and celebrate your achievements/think you are the most gorgeous person ever. He was tactless (and he hadn’t read the job description) but unless you have noticed other negging comments or poor behaviour creeping in, it wouldn’t be a sackable offence for me.

The only acceptable time to remark on weight is if there has been a really drastic change up or down and you are worried about someone’s health - then the conversation should be purely about health and concern, not aesthetics.

I'm studying at uni and often say things like " I'm never going to pass this course", when I get told, "yes, I will and most people on the course will pass". It's just encouragement. I think in the context he said it , it could be... "You want it? Of course you can have it!" It was actually YOU who said that you wanted to lose more weight.
This seems pretty plausible to me, too.

The issue seems to be, however, that he has expressed a preference for size 8 girls with not many curves? And you are taking this to mean that he doesn't find your body attractive?
I love to look at men with a swimmer's body - narrow hips, flat stomach, big broad shoulders. But only a tiny proportion of men in my age range look anything like that. And my bf's body looks nothing like that - he has the big shoulders but everything else is pretty big too. But I love looking at, touching and smelling his body - it looks like him, and he's a great person I have fun with in bed.

If you don't want him to make any comments about size 8 women, tell him how much you hate it. If he knows that but keeps on doing it, then would be the time to consider dumping him.

What size 8 is meant here btw? UK or US?
I have a BMI of 19.5 according to the NHS site - low end of healthy - but haven't fitted into a UK size 8 since I was maybe 15. My ribcage is as fat-free as ever, but however tightly I pulled the measuring tape around it I couldn't get it down to 32 inches as the bones don't bend!

@MikeUniformMike

Anyway, years have passed. I'm a 12/14 and comfortable with my body and the way I look. I'm losing half a stone or so so that I'm a more standard 12. Fine. Sounds like a healthy attitude unless you are very short. I'd be enormous at a size 12.

My boyfriend is similarly trying to lose around half a stone. I think he looks great and have told him so.
Fine.

He has made no such reassurances to me.
It would be nice if he did, but maybe he doesn't think so, or maybe it just didn't cross him mind that he should reassure you.

And last night when we were talking about this 1/2 stone, I said that I wanted to lose this weight but I would never be 'slim' even if I wanted to be. His response was "that's just a choice though. There are plenty of women your age with great bodies."
You can have a great body without being conventionally 'slim'.
Exercise can improve posture and muscle tone.

I think you are being over-sensitive and a bit needy.

If you had said something like 'I think I look really good at this weight' he would probably agreed with you.

Enormous at a size 12. I'm very short and I'm a size twelve. I'm horrified to hear that people think I'm enormous

Also I struggle with exercise due to disability and was just learning to come to terms with my no longer size ten body. How fucking depressing

@AtrociousCircumstance

The man who is supposed to make you feel amazing about yourself - loved and desired - told you to your face you don’t have a great body in his opinion.

It would be a deal breaker for me. That level of insensitivity.

I agree. I think it's a horrible thing to say

@famousforwrongreason, I'm horrified to hear that people think I'm enormous

I have no idea what you look like, I was referring to me. Sorry about your disability but don't be depressed about not being a size 10. It really is just a number.