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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

EA/VA/NA did you keep his secrets, how much did you share with others?

8 replies

StartingAgainat31 · 27/08/2020 21:52

So I'm talking verbal, emotional, narcissistic abuse, with a bit of physical thrown in. Who did you tell? I asked my husband to leave 3 months ago. I'd told only some very close family the bare minimum at this point.

Since he has left the box has opened, and i have been much more open with some family members, however I don't think i could ever look my parents in the eye and speak the words he spoke to me.

I have also not told a soul about the physical abuse. He never hit me, but he did kick, shove and pin me to a door by my chest/neck once.

I also have no idea what to tell friends when they ask. We have mutual friends that have guessed some i think, due to previous incidents in front of them, but other than that I've said nothing.

Obviously he has said zilch to his parents and for the sake of my daughter neither have I.

And now I feel sick to my back teeth of protecting him, whilst he is doing the sad Dad thing. Using this narrative of a poor bloke who has been thrown out of his home, is having to valiantly live with his parents whilst caring for his daughter. His selfish, vindictive, bitch of a wife has stolen his beloved dog and is now taking everything he has (both distinctly untrue, but it wouldn't look good if you actually told everyone your wife has repeatedly offered to share the dog with you, as it is in the best interests of everyone.)

It makes me feel physically sick after the years of shit I put up with. How much do I say to who, because I'm fed up of lying? Do people actually care when they ask, or are they hoping you won't say anything?

OP posts:
whatisheupto · 27/08/2020 21:56

Well I would just tell them, why wouldn't you?

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 27/08/2020 21:56

He is still controlling you.

Why are you protecting him? If this was your daughter wouldn't you want to know? So you could help her? Protect her? Help her get though it?

The friends that have guessed... they have guessed more than you probably realise, and are possibly waiting for you to open up.

Stop protecting him. Tell the WORLD what he has done to you

litterbird · 28/08/2020 08:31

I am so sorry you are going through this and well done for kicking him out. I would tell everyone, however, as witnessed and experienced by a couple of close girlfriends who have been in this situation, its quite common to return to these types of relationships as they have a toxic bond. If you do choose to tell everyone it might help to stay away from him if you get weak moments, he says he will change and you go back. My friend was in a very similar situation, told everyone, then kept returning. No one listens or supports her now when the abuse returns which is very very sad. These are difficult relationships to extract from and I hope you are getting all the support you need soon. Stop protecting him, the more outed he is the less chance you might go back x. good luck OP.

Finals1234 · 28/08/2020 08:36

I didn't tell anyone at first as I was so deeply ashamed that I had stayed with him whilst he treated me like that.
Then I had counselling and the freedom program and I read around his behaviours in books, and on MN. I realised none of this was my fault and I stayed because I was trying to save my marriage.

When I got to that point and was no longer worrying about what people would think of him, I told everyone. So it's now common knowledge in my circle that exH was physically and verbally and emotionally abusive, and that I left him. I have nothing to hide and he can project his own narrative as much as he wants to, I really don't care.

Finals1234 · 28/08/2020 08:37

I hope you get to that point too. I agree that once you tell other people it becomes harder to go back to him which is a very good strategy so keep you from being tempted back.

everythingbackbutyou · 28/08/2020 17:19

I asked mine to leave in November and our stories are very similar. I haven't told a lot of people, to protect myself. I just want to enjoy my freedom and move forwards with my life.My stbxh is not living with his parents but otherwise the whole 'sad' narrative is the same. He is the victim always. His parents think the sun shines out his ass and they can all have each other as far as I'm concerned. As for mutual friends, a couple have spoken up and said they weren't impressed with how they saw him treating me but most have no idea. Because of the isolating nature of abuse, most of 'our' friends in the end were actually originally HIS friends anyway.

everythingbackbutyou · 28/08/2020 17:23

Mine told me I had taken away his children. That sounds much more victim-y than the truth, that I have always told him I would never keep him from his kids. Truth is, he can't give them back fast enough when his parenting hours are up. He has never lobbied to spend more time with them - quite the opposite.

MJMG2015 · 28/08/2020 17:23

Stop protecting this piece of shit!

If you were my friend/family, I'd want to know. I'd care.

Get his parents told too!

Your DD needs protecting from him, not the truth.

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