Men that no one will stand up to.

[Boredbumhead]

My ex is the kind of person that is arrogant, loves to prattle on and loves the sound of his own voice, even when he is putting down other people behind their back.

My question is, why will no one stand up to him and tell him what a twat he is being?. Everyone seems to laugh at his jokes and buy into his rubbish.

Why are there some men that thrive even though they treat people badly?

Why are there some men that thrive even though they treat people badly?

Toxic masculinity. Young, all male groups are brutal. Empathy is a skill and some men never learn it.

Reading MN is like reading about an alien culture to me- the way comments can be interpreted would just never have occured to me and people are offended by jokes I wouldn't consider even slightly mean. You just become inured to it.

I had a friend who was exactly as you describe. When you are 20 they seem charismatic and confident. By 25 I'd realised he treated women like shit and was ready to tell him off for yet another childish strop covered up by nastiness. He cut all contact- couldn't cope.

I saw him about 15 years later, in the same pub with the exact same gaggle of friends doing the exact same thing- the big fish in an utterly tiny pond.

Hmm I think that's the issue. 15 years ago I thought ex dp was confident and self assured. I had 2 kids with him. 12 years later having endured years of him talking down to me, calling me names, trying to control me and financially contributed zero I finally left him. He still tries to get to me. Today for example he called my home a 'shit hole.' it is no way a shit hole. There were just a few toys on the floor (I wish I hadn't even invited him in to see the kids).

He has lots of friends who humour him. I am much kinder but have hardly any friends.

(I wish I hadn't even invited him in to see the kids).

With people like that you need your shield up constantly, consistently - never given them a fraction of an inch. Don't ever make the mistake of forgetting what they are and being nice.

Keep them at the end of the longest "stick" you can maintain in any scenario.

"The price of freedom is eternal vigilance".

As to people not seeing through them or being nice to them.

Birds of a feather flock together.

A d even if they're not like him; people are generally rather silly little monkeys who stay onside to those who appear to be alphas, whether they're true alphas or not.

If I ever question how stupid and monkey-like people can be, I think about the takeover of the 9-11 survivors victims relative group by a pathologically lying, domineering, fraudulent, socio or psychopathic manipulative little woman (who was eventually exposed as a liar who hadnt even been in the buildings like she said she was) at the behest of most of the members. The members (who'd been in it longer) who didnt take to her and didn't kowtow to her were sidelined and ostracised by the others.
Conclusion; people are rather stupid sometimes, esp when it comes to recognising and dealing with sociopaths.

@GilbertMarkham very wise. You are right, you cannot let your guard down. My mistake was trying to show some humanity and sympathy. It backfired again. Guard back up again. The price for freedom is eternal vigilance. I will remember that one.

But you did stand up to him. You left him.
Don't underestimate your strength

@Aerial2020 thank you for reminding me of this. Yes true. The price was great though. Kids had to move schools, I moved out of the family house. Lost lots of friends. But starting to make some new ones and I am still standing.

Yes you are still standing.
Look in the mirror and remind yourself how amazing you are.

In time he will be nothing to you. What he does will mean nothing.
That is the best feeling ever.
Give it time.

He sounds deluded, entitled, arrogant and nasty. Many of his cohort will be grinning along nervously pandering to him incase he switches his malicious tongue on them.

Well done for seeing what he was. For getting out and giving your DC the best gift in life - a calm and peaceful home where kindness and respect are the cornerstones. This will enable them to grow into emotionally confident and secure people.

Your world has grown richer and deeper - his is circling the drain - his bitterness directly to you and about others shows his v fragile ego. He will be raging with you for pulling back the curtain to expose this.

@Aerial2020 thanks. He made me feel bad for everything, booking the cheapest of holidays or the smallest of pleasures and enjoyments. Resting or taking care of myself. My beliefs and interests were criticized one by one. I will have to relearn those things.

You will. Honestly you will.
He will fade and you will grow

It can be hard flipping into shield mode with people like him; if you've been dealing with more ordinary, decent people. A reminder like naming him in your phone as "Horrible bastard" or "Danger, shield up!" or just "The Abuser" could be a good way of keeping it in mind while having a laugh.

Maybe see him as a great looming shadow stifling your growth. You might need to tweak your boundaries higher/tighter to move into the light. What communication / exposure do you have to him? You want zero/minimal - because he is looking to punish you each and every time. You need to take yourself out of punching distance.

I moved out of the family house.

Easy to call a single mother's home a shit hole when she's had to move out of her and her children's family home (and is no doubt the main carer).

You shouldn't have had to.

I hope you got what you're owed in the settlement!

Thanks @GilbertMarkham and @Sssloou. The main contact I have to have with him is via the children. The children are going and they still idolise him unfortunately.

Easy to call a single mother's home a shit hole when she's had to move out of her and her children's family home (and is no doubt the main carer)

Thanks work full time and had to move singlehanded with a 7 year old and a 4 year old. It's a small but cozy house. He was talking shit.

Unfortunately we were never married so there won't be any settlement.

You only have to accommodate simple logistical communication.

He does not have to be in your home and you are not obliged to endure his insults / abuse.

I would take this incident as a signal to nip this right in the bud - otherwise he is polluting your new home and new life with his toxicity.

Don’t let him onto your property. Hand over at roadside at the car. No conversation just vanilla grey rock minimal dialogue.

@Boredbumhead

My ex is the kind of person that is arrogant, loves to prattle on and loves the sound of his own voice, even when he is putting down other people behind their back.

My question is, why will no one stand up to him and tell him what a twat he is being?. Everyone seems to laugh at his jokes and buy into his rubbish.

Why are there some men that thrive even though they treat people badly?

People probably think he isn't worth wasting their breath on.

Did you ever tell him what a twat he was? I certainly would have done, especially about putting people down behind their backs. I hate that sort of thing and stupid talk; some people talk just for the sake of talking and have nothing to say. I'd find that embarrassing, better to be quiet.

Also start to build your social life back up again slowly with better people who will have your back. Human connection is vital - we all need positive interactions, no matter how small, to give us back our self esteem.

Put him in then rear view mirror - literally turn your back on his sad bitter little life and focus on your lovely future and the peaceful life and emotional freedom you have achieved so far. You are doing great.

Thanks you @Sssloou for your sound advice. I struggle to trust people a bit after his treatment of me. But I will work in that. Also I have a limited support network and babysitters where I live now, so don't get out as much as I would like. But I will work on that too.

My sister is a bad ass.
She is literally as hard as nails,
5ft 2 and about 8 stone wet through.
She was accosted the other day about her perfectly reasonable parking by a man, at least 6ft tall, weighing about 18 stone. A man mountain.
As she got out of her car minding her own business, he strode up to her, towered above her and asked what the fuck she thought she was doing?
My sis faced him square on and through gritted teeth hissed at him “who the fuck do you think your talking to cunt?”
Swiftly followed by “fuck off and do not fucking speak to me like that”.
He was literally speechless.
His passenger in his car mouthed the words “I’m so sorry” to her.
Man mountain muttered something or other then got back in his car.
Passers by asked her if she was ok, to which she of course shrugged and declared that there’s no cure for cunt and then went about her business.
I could see if she is free to tell all these twats what twats they are.
She’s good, really good.

Why limit it to men? Women can be just as bad.

@Lovingyou because I was speaking specifically about men that no one stands up to.