Help issues with ex husband and contact with child

[OldBristolian]

Posting here for traffic. Please be gentle as I'm having a rough time right now.
Ex husband is very difficult. Think 9 times in court for access -hard core with his having a barrister, me on my own defending. I have never applied to court. But it is clear from texts and messages that ex is highly abusive. Each time judge says I'm not being unreasonable. Ex is on his last warning with access to youngest. Court has threatened to remove parental rights. Court has imposed a restraining order - on him - I didn't ask but they did this because the judge said we deserve "protection".
He normally has EOW and 1/2 holidays.
Start of lockdown I had to isolate as I have a medical condition and child did not have access to F except by phone. F agreed to this.

Court gave us the protection of a restraining order 18 months ago - one phone on a Friday at 6pm etc. I gave him video calls x3 x4 times a week in lockdown. He is not allowed to come near us other than to pick up DC. He abuses phone calls -I mean he abuses it. Weekly phone call normally results in him claiming a bad signal and phoning back and ending the call 30-40 times meaning son is in tears etc. It ruins our Friday night and causes endless tears.

Fast forward to end of lockdown. DC goes back to school. Contact resumes.

During summer holiday - ex takes son in the car multiple times with his friends during lockdown (end of July) breaking Covid laws. Seemingly with absolute no need. Once he picked up a friend and took him in the car with son to Tesco -for no good reason at all (friend has car). Returns DC very ill. We go back into isolation and have covid tests. DC is very ill with high temp.

Ex then texts me says "congratulations on your negative results" -but we didn't find out out the negative results until 9pm and they did not notify him. He sent me the text saying this at 6am. I ask him who told him. He says he got it through "lawful means" but he did not get it through GP or NHS text as I have sole custody. He refused to tell me where from. I assume I have a leak - I have FB but very limited friends and he is blocked. He will not tell me how he found out.
When he returns DC ill (temp of 40 etc) he claims not to "notice" -and this isn't the first time.

I do what I have been advised to do -and ask him

1. Where did you find out results 2) Why do you keep going in the car with other people against C rules etc 3) Why did you not notice DC was ill? -etc etc by text -I'm not getting straight answers. He is really playing me. He has refused to talk to me by phone.

We have a contact order. But I'm now on the verge of stopping contact which is supposed to be this weekend and saying no more contact.

Options 1) Return to court and ask for an amended order with supervised access only 2) Stop contact and make him take me back to court. 3) Ignore and give him access and resume as normal.

Please help me. I'm currently on holiday and can't deal with counsellor and solicitor to next week at the earliest.

The not knowing how he got mine and my son's covid results is really making me ill. He won't tell me how he knows. I put it on FB to friends only (we are talking 20 friends here -all of whom know about the restraining on) at 9pm and 6am he delights in telling me he knows.

Over 10 years he has cut me off from friends, family and at one point I couldn't leave the house as he knew "where I was and what I am doing" -we want to move and can't because of schooling. But we could in 2/3 years if the court allows it.

Any one been in similiar? What would you do?

He didn’t know your test results. He took an educated guess as most results will be negative.

Stop contact.

Let him take you back to court and when you get there, tell the judge everything that's happened with the abusive use of the phonecalls, the COVID rules flouting, EVERYTHING.

And ask if they would please now remove parental rights, and please also consider allowing you to move. And ask for another restraining order.

They want to help you - let them.

Stop contact as you can guarantee, by the sound of it, that that will be the quickest way for you to get back inside a court.

Oh and I don't really think he knew your results, either. I think he took an educated guess - most results are negative and your DC didn't have absolutely classic symptoms.

I agree that he's unlikely to know your test results - he's taken a guess and realised that he can wind you up in this way.

If you have texts from him confirming that he's been in the car with someone else and your DC, then I'd just send him a brief text stating that you're stopping contact for that reason and if he wants to dispute it, to take you to court.

I'm sure you realise this, but you need to try and detach from any discussion with him. Just a single text telling him the contact is stopping and then ignore - that's the only way you'll have any peace. Then when you can speak to your counsellor & solicitor, follow their advice. Also, find a good friend or family member that will listen and support you - you need to be able to offload to someone who will understand.

The test thing - he knew. Someone told him or he has hacked my messages etc Result at 9pm and he texted me pretty much straight away. The timing was bang on over 7 days later from the result and literally feel like I am being stalked. Thanks all so far. I do not want to be in breach of the court order. Literally no contact for over a week and it was deliberate ‘pleased to hear you results are negative’ blah blah blah I’ve sent an email outlining my concerns and saying I want satisfactory answers for contact this weekend to go ahead. All he will say is he got my Covid result by ‘lawful means’. I’m across the country and contact and a week holiday is with him on the weekend. I do think I have a case to stop contact. He doesn’t deny he went in the car with his friend unnecessarily with DC. I have no evidence that he did except what DC said. But the friends wife did not deny it when I notified her that DC had Covid symptoms.

Do I also stop the Friday phone call at 6 pm - I don’t think I can.

Sorry I meant like I had the test on Saturday and then Results Thursday evening at 9 pm got the results and he texted me straight away. I found out 9 pm and by the following morning at 6 am he Had texted me. It is possible someone told him - but who? I didn’t even tell my parents at that time of night

lucky guess 50/50 also he problem knows that you follow the rules so if it had been positive you would have told him so he could isolate as soon as you got, therefore no contact often a week no covid, if you really think he got you results by illegal means report it to the organisation your results where from they can race who has logged into your results.

block him

let him go back to court, request the restraining order, remove parental rights etc

what a nightmare OP, you poor thing

Bad signal on your phone op.. End the call.
Back to court and accept any offers the judge gives.
Sounds like the court agree he is an utter twat.

You said court 9 times for access. Does he have form for using it to abuse you?

Need more info on the previous times. Courts frown on stopping contact and it goes against you, unless you have voiced concerns. Basically - you need to exhaust other options.

If the previous 9 times are him being a nuisance, you have grounds.

@heartache590

You said court 9 times for access. Does he have form for using it to abuse you?

Need more info on the previous times. Courts frown on stopping contact and it goes against you, unless you have voiced concerns. Basically - you need to exhaust other options.

If the previous 9 times are him being a nuisance, you have grounds.

Yes -to abuse us. The courts didn't like it -they imposed a retraining order (life long) 18 months ago due to his "abuse of the court process" (the judge's specific words) - I didn't ask for one and he was given a final warning that if he took me back to court for no good reason -they would terminate his parental rights. I can't say more than that. The restraining order covers me for the rest of my life and the other DC who have no contact.

I have asked him a few questions eg Why did you go in the car with adult friends on 3 times with DC when you had him during pandemic ? And received no answer except "I consider the matter closed and resolved" for example -ie no answer at all. I have laid them out in writing via text and letter (via email) and the only reply I get is:

regarding taking DC in the car with his friends during the Covid -for days out is: I did not break any leglisation and complied at all times with the law.
regarding how he got test results - I did not use illegal means
regarding returning DC with temp of 40 - he was not ill at handover -handover was 9am and DC was ill at handover and taken straight home and had a temp of 40 -logged with GP and photos taken at 9.10am.

The concerns I voice are either ignored, get a "nonsense answer" or he says "I refute it" or "Your allegation is false".etc I've had over 5 years of this. And I have 10 years left -minimum.
He has form for returning DC ill / with blisters / a typical marks etc all logged with GP.

Stop pondering how and why on everything, it doesn’t matter how he got or pretended to get your results, he’s just fucking round with you. Stop putting any info about yourself and your dc on Facebook just in case there is a mole. I’d be stopping contact, he sounds like he shouldn’t have contact.

Are your fb privacy settlings set to friends only, or friends of friends? If the latter he can befriend, or get a friend to befriend, any one of your friends and through that view your profile.

Stop putting shit on Facebook! Problem solved!!!

@justilou1

Stop putting shit on Facebook! Problem solved!!!

I agree. But that doesn't help with the rest of it.

I got a message from a friend last night and discussed it with him
He pointed out -in court he could claim a "bubble" with said friends,

The not noticing he is ill -again he says although this has happened a number of times. This is not enough to stop contact. He said let phone calls and other stuff happen. Let it build up.

OP if you have a friend in real life giving you support and advice to ensure contact is stopped permanently then you should follow it as he will know more about your situation than posters on here.

The only thing you should take from this thread is you need to learn to stop engaging with your ex so he can have conversations with you by text and email.

You know he twists things so asking him questions just leads to a conversation where he screws with your head and gives him a chance to continue to abuse you.

The restraining order means you shouldn't be having this type of communication with him anyway and that's why the Court put one in place.

If you want to say something to your ex, first talk to someone in real life who is supporting you to check whether you need to. If you do then get help writing it so it contains no questions so your ex cannot have a conversation with you.