H love bombing DS2

[HelpLeaving]

Hi

Excuse me, I am all over the place and can't think straight.

H is allegedly leaving. We have been 'together' 28 years - the first 6 months were fantastic (although he had a girlfriend for half that time). I find it hard to explain why I stayed with him. He did leave to move in with an OW after about 9 years (we were married by this point) and the couple of months he was gone were the last best time I can remember. He had a new relationship and left me alone but then his affair didn't work out for him and he wormed his way back in and I became pregnant.

Almost immediately it went wrong again. He tried to pressure me but I refused to have an abortion. His behaviour got worse after my son was born (I don't want to hit you but I don't know what else to do - he never has made good on his threats of physical violence) , 'just' emotional and financial abuse keeps me in check.

He was forced to leave again when DS1 was about 18 months after I had been to women's aid but 6 months later he moved back in without my consent and I was too ashamed to go back to women's aid. I was broken and just accepted I couldn't get rid of him because he had a right to access DS1, I was a post grad student with no income, we had a mortgage, he was well paid etc. I tried to make it work.

My independent career never worked out - I am f/t carer to my 2 DS who are HE and who are autistic. This increased my financial dependence.

H has always thought he could treat me with contempt but could play the loving father. He has always threatened me by saying they would also be contemptuous of me but would love him and so he would get custody if I left. In fact he encouraged me to leave and leave the boys with him. I thought I had to stay to protect them. (I feel so stupid typing this).

It has all finally come to a head because DS1 (now 19) has told me he thinks H is an abusive, controlling narc and refuses to speak to him or be in the same room as him.

I can't disagree. I have told H he has to leave. H agrees but does nothing practical whilst ignoring DS1 and purposefully spending fun time with DS2. Despite being asked daily if I really want him to leave, I have remained firm and H is lining up a flat to move into.

He has clearly given up on DS1 but he has now transferred attention to DS2 who he used to largely ignore. He is love bombing DS2 - he has spent more time with him in the past couple of weeks than he has in the past couple of years. What do I do? For DS2.

What ages are DS1 and DS2?

DS1 is now 19 and DS2 is now 14. I know I am weak and pathetic but I really believed him when he said they would choose him over me because he he thought I was worthless, his family all hated me etc.

I feel like a stranger in my own home. H has commandeered the kitchen and is cooking a healthy meal with DS2 slicing the chicken (whilst monologuing about a video game) when H has refused to do anything except put breaded chicken and chips into the oven for years. Because, of course, he was covering for my failure.

What will it take for you to actually make him leave, today, and not come back? You know what you have to do.

Your just going to have to see it for what it is. You know what he is like. This is just another string to his bow.

You’ve got to start fighting for yourself here. I know he has ground you down but you must try and step out if this situation.

Go for a divorce. Sell the house. Get a job. Cut all ties with him.

I don't know that I can make him leave today and stay gone.

We now rent. I have no income. He pays the rent. I am a f/t carer. I receive careers allowance. I can't just get a job.

I have to leave now. I will try to come back later if I can.

Have you looked at what benefits you’d be entitled too? Your not trapped. He really doesn’t sound like the kind of guy that will pay your rent whilst he lives else where. He’s not going anywhere. Or if he does he will probably take your youngest so he doesn’t have to pay CM.

You honestly need to start looking at what benefits you’d receive if you was in your own as well as careers allowance

So can't you start looking for a job and get job seekers allowance?

@Horehound OP is a carer for her sons.

You should be entitled to more help financially as a sole parent to a disabled child. you should get enough to cover your rent and basic living expenses.

Citizens Advice can help you work out what you can claim www.citizensadvice.org.uk/benefits/

Your soon-to-be-ex will be expected to pay child support for your 14 yr old www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

Your older son may be entitled to assistance as well if he's not already getting it.

Sorry not to return sooner. I recognise that part of the reason I have stayed for so long is that I get overwhelmed by fear and panic and act on this. I am still feeling the fear and panic but trying to just observe rather than continue to act on these feelings. I don't know why but I can't think straight when he is in the house.

Over the last few years he has been increasingly in the house, WFH most of the time, supposedly for my benefit, but at least I used to get some respite when he was in London for meetings. Since lockdown he has never left the house for more than an hour at a time and then infrequently. I have not left the house for months and in the years preceding only left it infrequently. Even then he insists on giving me lifts and picking me up immediately after. He is allegedly doing me a favour, no hassle driving or parking etc. I am supposed to be grateful.

But it makes me scared I can't cope and makes DSs dependant on him as they assume mum can't do these things - only dad can. I build myself to do things i know i can do (I even had some confidence building lessons with a driving instructor but I was so fine with him that he couldn't understand why I was there) but then the DSs are doubtful and it seems a senseless waste of money and H plays the helpful rescuer and it seems wrong to insist so I cave. So a couple of trips to the hairdresser - no time to wander around the shops before or after. H texts me so he is ready and waiting to pick me up and i always have hurry because he makes it a problem if I keep him waiting, conference call or food in the oven or dog needs a wee. A couple of trips to the cinema with DSs but he drops us off at the cinema just before the film starts and picks us up straight after.

I can't just get paid employment as I have a 'job' as carer - I just get paid a pittance and have no time off - unless H does me a 'favour'.

I can't even get means tested benefits because I have 'savings' from inheritance and I have been saving my DSs DLA/PIP benefits as H has made no provision for them and we rent. H pays rent, bills and shopping (he earns £65k + a year) but I have to fund everything else for me and DSs through my inheritance and disability benefits. I had no financial control before inheritance as CA and benefits were paid into a joint account that H controls. He would take himself and the boys to dentist/optician but not me. But then I opened a separate account and had them paid to me. H was furious. But now I can buy what they need in the short term and save the rest for what they will need in the future. But it takes me over means tested threshold.

It's all such a mess.

You're being financially abused.

You're also suffering coercive control and emotional abuse.

Speak to Women's Aid.

If you have savings, then yes, you'll have to use them, but isn't it worth it to get out of this horrible situation? You could have a peaceful life with your sons.

Hi - sorry I can't stay on the thread. Responsibilities to DSs and constant presence of H.

Can I go back to women's aid? Won't they judge me - think it can't be real because I stayed? Do I need a solicitor?

Even now I am trusting him to play nice and fair. He says he will move out and still pay the rent etc but DS1 says it is all a lie, don't believe him, don't trust him. I feel so bad that he is looking out for me when I should be protecting him.

Most of the savings are non-means tested benefits for the boys so over the months have put these into accounts in their names so they are not financially dependant on H and he can't take their benefits or use them as weapons against me. H has already said that he needs access to the savings (ie benefits I manage for the boys) to set himself up in his new flat. I said I can't access them as they are held in trust and then he said he would get a loan which he said would hurt us more than him.

Of course you can go back to Women's Aid. It's not unusual for someone to take several attempts to leave and go back. They won't judge you, they know how difficult it is.

Go back to Women's Aid. They won't judge you, apparently it takes on average 7 attempts for a women to leave an abusive partner so they really do understand.

As far as your H love bombing your DS is concerned, could he really cope if he had custody given your DSs special needs? Also how much of the parenting has he done in the past.? There was another poster recently ,concerned that her H had suddenly started to be the perfect parent after she had asked for a divorce; her solicitor had advised her not to worry - as 2 weeks of full on parenting could not make up for all the years when he had done next to nothing when considering custody.

Good Luck

Also, any debt he takes out in his own name that you do not benefit from, you will not be liable for, if it comes to divorce settlements. Obviously don't let him take out anything jointly.

If he earns £65K, I don't see why he needs access to the dc's savings. He's just chancing his arm.

You do need to speak to a solicitor about the money situation, separation and divorce. The Rights of Women may be able to help you rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/