Keeping strong as the narcissist hoovers

[biggirlpantstimeforchange]

The background is that I have been in a relationship for 2 years with someone I recognise as being a narcissist.

This is my first relationship after divorce and also realise that it was too soon for me to enter something so serious so soon, but the love bombing got me hooked.

I realised something was amiss in the relationship and I suspected, not for the first time he was possibly cheating. But I didn’t want to believe it. So I bought a new sim and put it in an old phone and with a fake picture sent an unsolicited WhatsApp message To him. I was hoping that he would not respond or say that he was not interested. But no. He engaged in the conversation making it clear that he was single and I was able to elicit that he was on bumble. He was flirty with the fake profile and started the love bombing straight away. He was setting up a coffee date with her.

I confronted him with this and he point blank denies any wrongdoing. Saying it is me who has betrayed him by setting a trap (not my finest moment, but I needed evidence as I know I get sucked in to his manipulation and narcissistic abuse).

He says he believed it was me and was arranging to meet the woman to catch ‘me’ out.

He said he was asking for pictures and offering to send naked pictures of himself to ascertain her identity, believing it was me.

He said he was going to tell me about this.

The context is that is is insanely jealous and controlling of my behaviour, what I wear and expects to see my phone read my messages whenever he asks.

I’ve told him it’s all lies, if he wanted to prove it to download the bumble app, put in his number and it’ll show there’s no account. He refused, stating he does not want to be in a relationship where he has to prove his innocence.

I met with him for this conversation and told him we are over and will not communicate again. He refused to leave, kept telling me he loves me and asked me for kisses. I refused obviously.

Eventually I left And the love bombing is continuing. He’s behaving as if nothing is different. I’ve had phone calls and text messages telling me he loves me. I am ignoring. I don’t want to block as I believe he needs to see that I am choosing to ignore.

I think the advice on here will be to block, and I get it. Then I won’t hear/read his hoovering attempts.

I am struggling to let go. I can see that I’m caught up possibly with trauma bonds and wanting him to want us but having the evidence of his cheating ways. I know I am worth more.

Although, writing this down has made it so obvious that this is not a relationship I want or deserve and it’s ridiculous behaviour from a 53 yr old man. I am 43 and should know better than to entertain it. I am struggling with feeling alone and I miss the communication we had.

So I don’t know what I’m asking for really, I’ve given myself the advice. I need to focus on me and lean on my friends for support.

Happy to receive your opinions or advise. Or how you’ve dealt with leaving a narcissist. I am naturally empathetic and I keep thinking about how he may be feeling if it’s true that it’s so madly in love with me.....my head and my heart are in conflict

You want to leave him and that's the best advice I can give you so don't doubt yourself. He really can't be trusted @biggirlpantstimeforchange, he twists and turns like a snake, won't trust you but thinks he's above reproach. Pull those big girl pants up high and be strong, you know you deserve better

The advice is always to block someone you believe to be narcissistic. And this is for very good reasons. Honestly, you are taking a risk by wanting him to know you are ignoring you. Why would you do that? The narcissist is able to hurt you in many ways, some which you cannot even imagine. I was in a relationship and have broken up with a vulnerable narcissist and I am still shocked by how low he would go in order to hurt me. I would advise you to put your misplaced pride to the side and block this person. Just now he still believes he can get you back and is attempting to love bomb you, when he realises you won't be drawn he can, potentially, turn very nasty. Don't be an open target for his nastiness. Please.

You have the self esteem to know your worth but you're also in pain that this has to be the way it goes, I was exactly the same. It has gotten a lot better for me. Still bittersweet in some of the memories but absolute relief in most of them. Just hold firm, you can do this.

'I asked him to leave, he refused and kept asking for kisses' eww what a letch.

Not just a narcissist, a dirty old man op.

It can be hard after having someone about to talk to, to not have that anymore. But op you have to remember that anything you tell this man is only being stored up so he can use it against you in some way later, should you continue to see him. He is a predator.

Perhaps starting to keep a journal might help. You can still write down your feelings ect..

And yes, definitely block him. He is dangerous op.

What a sad, middle aged letch he is. Just block.

@biggirlpantstimeforchange Stay strong! Do not give him a second chance. You will be better off without him. Honestly, life is better as a single person than in the kind of relationship he offers.

You are lying to yourself about why you won’t block him... you need to face up to that if things are over, you need to close that door once and for all. Whilst you leave him unblocked you are getting something out of the attention he’s giving you and you aren’t really moving on, you are just dancing in a game with him still

You need to block him.
I have a covert narcissist ex. It has taken me a very long time to block him completely. Long story - won't bore people with it.
But I didn't block him before because I was concerned about him threatening him to kill himself and felt I should keep the communication open in case he was desperate.
What utter bullshit - the threatening suicide stuff was all part of it.
One day this summer I finally decided to block him on everything after he'd attempted to phone me and then sent a very long, dramatic text about how sorry he was for being an arsehole and how badly he treated me. The bloody thing upset me so much I cried for a week even though it's been 18 months since the relationship ended.

I blocked him on absolutely everything and I can scarcely believe how fast my mental health has improved in the 6 weeks since I did it.
It's fantastic. It's freeing.

Just block him. He will know you are ignoring him when you do not respond to anything texts or pick up the phone to him. And when he sees you have blocked him on WhatsApp that is good - he can see the power is in your hands.

Block him today and do not make excuses as to why you don't want to.

I don’t want to block as I believe he needs to see that I am choosing to ignore.

Blocking him on everything will make it clear you're ignoring him and more. Plus it'll stop him being able to do/say anything to hoover you in (you say you won't be. but it's still a risk.)

Delete all his messages and block.

And keep reminding yourself of all the unpleasant things he did.

I agree 100% with @Menora

I'd block. I'm out of a close platonic relationship with a narcissist that was going on for 5 years. Previously it had been impossible to block him as our lives were so intertwined. In this final drama I just ignored it and it enraged him so much he departed and blocked me. He'll prob be regretting it now but for me it also has been the most freeing experience. I thought I was dealing with the shit but my MH has improved beyond measure since the blocking.

@SoulofanAggron is spot on. He will know he’s been blocked because the messages will stop delivering/ the phone call won’t ring. When that happens he knows you truly are done with him (and it will also help you start to move on if his name isn’t popping up daily on your phone).

Exactly how is blocking not choosing to ignore?

You don't need him to get any message from you, that's the point. He doesn't need to 'see' you ignore him, you just actually have to ignore him. It isn't a performance.

Delete him, from your whole life. Now.

Thank you for your responses. You’re all spot on and I’ve blocked everywhere. I need to figure out how to block emails and then full house.

Today’s he sent “I love you and I’m sorry you’re hurt. But honestly I’ve got nothing to be guilty for’

That was enough.....

I think I’m grieving for the relationship I was hoping for, not the one I was actually having........

Time to find some hobbies

Than you for the advice. I think I needed a wake up call that I was still craving his attention...

You should be able to select his email and setup a rule that immediately deletes the emails from that address. You will never know it arrived. As far as I know, you can do this on most popular email clients. If this is not available, set the rule to send to spam or deleted items folder.
How to do it depends on which email client you use but you can Google instructions :)

Its very hard I'm sorry, but his attention is only a gateway to future pain. As soon as you accept it he will take it away. Find someone who deserves you