How do I get past my issues with my husband

[disneybee]

My husband is a great guy. Fun, hard working, loves being a dad. Moved to my home country after we married because he knew how much it meant to me to settle back here and have our children here.

Been together 9 years in total, married for 6, two young children.

I felt like I "just knew" from the moment I met him, and he said the same.

However I have developed a niggling resentment towards him for various reasons. Sometimes I consider the fact that maybe one day it will be the right thing to go our separate ways but other times I desperately do not want to do this, because, firstly, I can imagine he would be a pain in the arse to have as an ex, and secondly, I really want my children to have a stable home life (I went through my parents' really messy divorce and it messed up myself and my siblings so much, I never want to put my own children through the trauma of this.)

These are the main issues that are getting to me:

Lingering resentment about how shit he was when I was pregnant / when our children were tiny babies. He did his best to work hard to support us financially but didn't seem to genuinely care deep down about my well being.

Has very little patience and rubbish at taking any time with sex. This was OK when I was full of hormones and broody for children ; now we have our very wonderful two children and we don't want any more, I have gone right off sex. Not to mention the fact I am still a bit pissed off (but embarrassed about it) about the fact he made it clear he was Not attracted to my pregnant figure and left me frustrated during both pregnancies! Now I can't be bothered making the effort any more, because he didn't back then.

Since having kids - he's a brilliant and doting dad, but we argue loads about discipline standards, sleep training etc. Basically I do things my way because I'm the one that was always left to look after them alone when he was working away - now he works from home because of Covid, this is catching up with us.

Also since having kids his stupidity when it comes to our kids safety really gets to me. He can't work out how to fit the car seats properly, he quite happily falls asleep at night without checking the front and back doors are locked, cooker is switched off etc - he knows he can leave all that stuff up to me as I am so anxious that I will check everything.

In fact my anxiety since having kids has led me to taking anti depressants, which have been amazing - they help me think clearly, and I feel more 'myself' on them. But there have been numerous arguments where when I have been upset and angry that he has nastily asked if I've taken my pills, in a really horrible, mocking way.

And the final thing, that has come to light recently, is his stupidity and pig headedness about the environment. I feel like I have to nag him to recycle etc, he has no real concern about the environment or the issues over population and over consumption is causing and will continue to cause. I have a very real understanding of it all, having studied geography away back in the late nineties; I'm not a tree hugging hippy type by any means but I am at least very open to the fact our lives the way we live them cannot continue like this indefinitely. As a result I have been coping very well with the pandemic, climate change coming to the forefront of our news etc. I am relieved in a way, change had to happen soon. But my husband still continues to chuck stuff into landfill that could be recycled, doesn't give a shit about ethical farming etc etc, his family are the same, lovely people but I've realised are completely clueless on many levels.

Anyway. Where do I go from here? How do I 'fix' something that I feel too pissed off to even want to fix? I make excuses about sleeping in the same room as the kids so I can settle them easily when the wake with bad dreams or their duvets coming off them or whatever, I love my kids more than anything and I've realised I just want to be with them, not my husband! Please give me some perspective. Thank you x

Not everyone is into 'green' stuff but I won't get into my opinions on that. If it's important to you though, I know it can be infuriating to be involved with someone who doesn't share one of your core ideological concerns, as my ex was like it about feminism.

Aside from that, he doesn't sound good at all. xxx Divorce needn't be traumatic for kids BTW- it was the best thing my parents ever did for me and I wish they'd done it many years earlier.

Thank you SoulofanAggron. I've heard that message before - "I wish my parents had divorced" - I dread to think my kids thinking that, but tbh we already argue so much in front of them (despite how much I insist we 'discuss it later') that they already say things like "Stop shouting!" which is heartbreaking.

But I keep thinking, if we split up, then him and his family will have the kids for days / weeks at a time without me in the background, quietly checking my kids are safe! Like making sure the car seats are strapped in, the epi-pen is packed, they've drank any water six hours etc etc! My PIL are wonderful, kind people but sometimes I think they are not quite 'all there'... They have this whole "It'll be fine!" attitude, that includes things like jamming the front passenger seat back to stop the baby car seat from moving, when they couldn't work out how to fit it with isofix or a seatbelt, before a 3 hour trip on the motorway in a tiny little car (!!! I can't get past this incident!!!) and referring to the Covid lockdown rules as "Guidance, not rules"!!!

My PIL hometown is 600 miles away from us, and they dote on the kids - we take a lot of trips there and I dread them going there without me!

I realise this is a ridiculous reason not to consider a divorce, but it is the tip of the iceberg. I just don't think leaving a relationship necessarily makes things easier. I feel like I married this man and chose to have kids with him, so I owe it to my kids to make it work, but how do I do that when I secretly can't stop resenting him for all the reasons he just doesn't live up to my high standards..?!

You can leave him, it's not divorce that messes kids up it's the fighting, if you can co parent amicably it doesn't really matter if you're in a romantic relationship with their other parent

I think it helps to get it out your system.. letting it build or leaving it unsaid lets it fester forever

I think counselling for your past resentments would help
I think you need to tell him what you want in bed would help
I think you need to relinquish some control over the kids discipline and go for mutual agreement on what you both will do. The more you insist on your way, the less engaged he will become and less likely to take any of your safety concerns seriously.

If you have tried all this and he refuses to apologise for the past treatments of you, refuses to give you what you want in bed, refuses to have mutual agreement in child discipline, then it would be advisable to separate.

@MissSmiley
Divorce does mess up kids. Fighting in front of kids also messes up kids. It’s a question of which is the lesser evil in the specific situation. The odd argument in a marriage behind closed doors messes kids up a lot less than a divorce (hypothetical example).