Does reinventing yourself to attract a partner actually work?

[simplesimonsays]

About 6 months ago my cousin had a bad break-up and since then he's been taking up hobbies and interests that he thinks will make him more attractive to women. To me, his claims that he's always liked poetry (for example) but never had time to read it before just seem false. It also reminds me a bit of those make over shows in the 1990s where people were filmed on a date and then 'upgraded' to be more attractive.

As someone who has always taken the attitude that people should like me for who I am (barring any really awful personality traits), I wonder if reinvention actually works in the long term, or if my cousin is selling women a false ideal and once he settles down with someone, the poetry will be out of the window and he''ll be spending his evenings watching Sky Sports again. I also know it's none of my business really but I'm single, and wondering if it's a strategy I should be taking.

Tricky. Being single is certainly a great opportunity to spend time on yourself and discover new interests/interests you used to have but until this point haven't had time to pursue.

However if you're doing something JUST to meet someone but aren't actually interested in it (e.g. joining a hiking group just to meet someone when actually you hate hiking), then I'd say you're selling a false impression of yourself which isn't fair.

No. It won’t work. You can make changes to your life for you but if it’s just time bag a partner they likely won’t be sustainable.

Pretending to be someone you’re not is a poor start to a relationship.

You can't change who you are, if you like staying in and watching TV but profess to love traveling round the world, it wont work.

I do think you can change superficial details very easily, in general people who are attractive, slim and wear nice clothes get more hits on online dating and in real life, I don't think that's a great reveal. That doesn't mean I think you should lose lots of weight if you find it really hard, I'm not prepared to do that myself, but I do know if I did it would have a bit of an effect on how many people might be superficially attracted to me initially at least.

You can also have behavioural stuff fixed that might be putting people off. I saw a dating show where this absolutely lovely woman was so nervous on dates, she just barked questions at them. She thought she was showing interest, she was really off-putting! Once she slowed her speech and her energy down, she was her charming self. So, really simple changes can work if you are not a good dater.

As for the poetry reading, that would put me off! I'm not 16 and I don't think men who read poetry are deep unless they actually proved themselves to be deeper in other ways, but a lot of people do have a checklist (tall, creative, loves the arts) so it might work to get him a date and then they have good physical chemistry so it's not entirely daft.

I guess it just depends where the line lies for your cousin between trying new things and actually lying and not trying them at all but using them as a cover. But I would say - Years ago, when I was single, I gave whitewater kayaking a crack for several months (not directly to meet someone but I guess because I was in a try something new state of mind). It didn’t stick, it was seriously terrifying, but I think it perhaps was part of the side of me who has given several other sports a go that I’ve kept up more! And (for my now husband) I suppose it means he’s married someone who is a least willing to try new things. I do think that a Sky Sports watching bloke has to be different from a Sky Sports watching bloke who is trying to get into Walt Whitman or whatever he’s reading. Different, more open attitude for simply trying!

I think reinventing himself may work if he's genuine. Faking interests isn't going to stick. Maybe you're wrong about him and are just unable to let go of your previous view of him?

We are who we are. If your cousin was always interested in poetry he’d already be doing something involving poetry. (Unless he was in an abusive relationship that prevented him doing so?) he’s not reinventing himself- he’s creating a access to new women he hasn’t had access to before.

You can't change who you are but you can take up new hobbies etc. I'm doing things that I never did with h - and loving it!

He's going to look a prat when he meets someone who does like poetry and he can't sustain a conversation beyond The Nation's Favourite Poems. Ooh, wandered lonely as a cloud, love that one, cool!