How do I get over this ridiculous seething resentment I'm starting to feel towards dp?

[TheNightManager]

will try make this short (and name changed for a menopause question but quite like the name!)

dp and I both late 40s. Been together a fair few years now. When we met each other, we were both earning roughly the same. Then dp lost his job and I got a big promotion.

he became v down as he looked for another job. I supported him 100% through this (both financially and emotionally). I encouraged him to take a few months off job searching to spend time with his kids, I gave him all the space he needed and eventually after what felt like a very long year, he has a new role. Tbh without my big promotion, it wouldn't have been possible for us to survive that year financially.

this role doesn't pay a lot but he gets a profit share of the company so he's incentivised in a different way (which suits him).

I am now disproportionately contributing to the monthly finances as I outearn him by some degree. I have no issue with that. But my job is absolutely horrendous. I mean really truly bloody awful. It's so much stress, has been hugely impacted by covid, I'm working my arse off and the people i work with aren't particularly nice.

dp has a lovely job, with lovely people and is extremely happy

and suddenly because of that, I feel massively resentful because he's having a great time (which I am happy about, i don't want to sound selfish) and I'm not but yet I'm still paying for the majority of everything

because of Covid there are literally no jobs in my field out there - really nothing. And I can't chuck it in because we couldn't survive on his salary.

how do I stop this horrible demon in me? I hate myself for feeling this way but just can't stop it!

I think you need to tell him you hate your job. Together find some way to make it better, be it working less hours, him doing the housework whatever.

I think you're feeling this way because your needs aren't being met. It sounds like to the big issue isn't fixable (nice new job) but is there something that you can identify that will make your life better?

I don't think you can solve it by getting rid of your feelings, only by listening to what to they're telling you and acting on it.

Well, it's his turn to support you. Realistically, financially that isn't an option right now but together you need to figure out what you can do to make things better for you personally and therefore for you as a couple. What can he do practically that will help you? If you can't afford to quit without a job to go to, how can he help you to look for a job - even if it's just freeing up your time at home so that you can focus? What can you do as a couple to perhaps start saving so that in 6t months or a year, if necessary, you can just walk away from the job if things haven't improved?

It's not just abut the financial. After all your support, he can't just be sitting there happily not being concerned about how unhappy you are in your job.

thanks, i think you're right and it is about needs being met

I need to think what we could work on to make it slightly better for me at home. One of the big issues is that his job requires him to go out and about meeting people which he loves and I'm stuck working from home all day (the office is still not open and won't be for some time) which is also really isolating.

I think I need to get out a lot more as I'm getting miserable looking at these 4 walls

I hear you. I supported my partner -mainly emotionally, admittedly - while he went through a long-running employment crisis. He wanted to throw in the towel, but I persuaded him otherwise. I boosted his ego, helped him prepare for the tough interview for what turned out to be his dream job. When he got the job, he was initially pretty big headed, telling everyone how he'd landed this great opportunity single handed & only sheer guts had got him there. (Gee, thanks.) I kind of let that go, realising it would wear off, but now I constantly hear 'Wow, I love my job' and 'I wish you loved your job as much as I do' accompanied by daily tales of glory about how much he's achieved today. That's ok, except he knows I hate my job. Long hours and impossible deadlines with rubbish pay. I wish I didn't feel so envious of him, but I do. I hate that I feel so resentful. I've been honest with him about it and know he can't be blamed for his success. I am proud of him for doing well. Yes, I am job hunting. But I can't shake off the underlying niggle.

@TheNightManager

thanks, i think you're right and it is about needs being met

I need to think what we could work on to make it slightly better for me at home. One of the big issues is that his job requires him to go out and about meeting people which he loves and I'm stuck working from home all day (the office is still not open and won't be for some time) which is also really isolating.

I think I need to get out a lot more as I'm getting miserable looking at these 4 walls

Absolutely see what you can do to make your life better and find ways to get out more. But don't put the onus entirely on you. It's also up to him to support you and help you and you really should discuss this with him.

DH supported me emotionally and practically when I was miserable and then left a job I hated. More recently, I've supported him in a similar way as he retrained and started working part time in something he loves. It was bloody hard as I was doing it while working full time, being 100% responsible for finances etc. But.... I did it because we're a partnership and a) I wanted him to be happy and b) longer term, the financial benefits are for both of us.

I am now disproportionately contributing to the monthly finances as I outearn him by some degree.
It sounds like you are contributing proportionately to the monthly finances, as you should be contributing more as you earn more. If you expected him to contribute the same as you, despite a huge difference in pay, that would be financial abuse.

Save and invest so you can plan to move into a different field when possible. Knowing you have a plan to love on might help you deal with your job.

@Justrunitunderthetap you need to put the same value on yourself as you did your partner. Why invest so much time and effort into helping him into a good job, but not yourself?

I am so pleased other people have felt the same. Honestly I feel evil feeling this.

It sounds like you are contributing proportionately to the monthly finances, as you should be contributing more as you earn more. If you expected him to contribute the same as you, despite a huge difference in pay, that would be financial abuse

you're right - but I suppose I'm comparing it to beforehand where we contributed equally and now we're not

Thanks JulesCobb, you're quite right. God knows, is the answer. I guess he had a more defined and specific goal, whereas mine is a more general 'get me the hell out' situation. But you're correct, it still warrants me applying effort to my own job hunt.
And good luck, The Night Manager.