Boundaries all out of whack

[CatWithNoName]

Something happened yesterday, I got accused of moving something right after a 'joke' comment about violence.

I don't think I did actually, otherwise he would have said at the time, he's saying he watched me do it. I stood up for myself ok and said "well, it's not damaged, lost, stolen or thrown out is it, so what's the problem?"

Then went away to cry in private (I do have a modicum of dignity and do my tears in peace).

But that made me realise I need to work on my boundaries, has anyone got advice?

Was he actually joking about being violent? I think these kind of comments could be a red flag

It doesn't seem like this relationship makes you happy

If this was my bf I'd assume that one of us was mistaken - that he had seen something else and misinterpreted it, or that I'd done something without reallising.

You don't think that, presumably because that couldn't have been the case. Or because he has form for gaslighting/bullying?

How big a boundary were you thinking of setting?

I did stand up for myself yesterday but it exhausted me.

It made me realise that my boundaries are unclear and that I shouldn't have to put up with this, or my reaction actually. It wasn't a big thing but I'm pretty sure I didn't move that, I'm small and it was a large item.

I think I reacted ok yesterday but a bigger issue is that it makes me upset sticking up for myself. I'm allowed to talk.

Why do you think you were upset rather than e.g. pissed off with him?

@ravenmum

Why do you think you were upset rather than e.g. pissed off with him?

Oh god that made me think about the difference - he made a joke so to speak about violence I'd had in the past, then directly accused me of moving something important to him. I genuinely think I didn't. The item is fine anyway so don't see why he said that to me.

Upset because it was disturbing and not nice.

Disturbing because I thought oh god no more gaslighting or commotion, no more violence.

What stage of the relationship is this; committed in some way or still getting to know one another and ready to forget it if he's not up to your standards?

@ravenmum

What stage of the relationship is this; committed in some way or still getting to know one another and ready to forget it if he's not up to your standards?

It's not committed; I mean it is in my sense as I'd be decent and loyal. I'm not commited to him.

I thought I acted ok yesterday but need to establish better boundaries and it for not to upset me so much. Violence threats even as a joke are not ok though.

It's not all about him, it's about me :)

I want to evade oh he's so tired and on a panoply of drugs poor him. If he's taking it out on me something is wrong.

I want to live and exist, not have this eroded.

OP I'm not really clear on what's going on. From what I understand there were two incidents:

1. You were subjected to violence and your current partner made a joke about that violence. Was it a one off attack or were you in a physically violent relationship?

1. He then accused you of moving his property. You believe he's gaslighting you and accusing you of something you didn't do.

If you were in a previously abusive relationship, it's common to enter into another abusive relationship because abuse messes with your self esteem and boundaries.

Him making light of you being attacked is a red flag as it shows a lack of empathy. If you love and care about someone, you don't think them being subjected to violence as something to joke about. I have no idea regarding the object moved as there's very little detail in your post.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? They may be doing it online at the moment where you live. You could contact your local DV organisation and find out and perhaps speak to them about your current relationship and they can do an assessment.

Are you sure you weren't upset because he was being creepy?

@ravenmum

Are you sure you weren't upset because he was being creepy?

It's only a minor thing, he upset me yesterday and I'm trying to process it today.

I'd absolute hit the wall if it was anything about sex but it wasn't, it was about a wooden board getting moved and I'm so sure I didn't even move it!

But he's on an awful lot of drugs for physical/mental health (nothing alcohol or illegal health) so that might cause the aggression.

I want to get away soon but any good ideas for long term work on boundaries?

Personally I find it easier to express my own likes and dislikes knowing that I can go home afterwards if I like, or even never meet my bf again - as we don't live together. I wouldn't move in with anyone again as quickly as I did with my exh - not that he was awful or anything, just that I feel it encouraged me to put up with more.

I'm better at expressing negative stuff since I had counselling for depression/anxiety after divorce - we didn't talk about that especially but I feel a bit braver about saying what I think. I was also in a theatre group for a while, which involved exercises designed to help you speak freely. But mainly just got older I think!

I'd focus on getting away from him and then doing the Freedom Programme, which you can do online.

I've done the freedom program and didn't find it helpful.

But I called the police and am getting assistance about getting things out in a few hours time.

I need to work on more longer term assistance with boundaries. This would have to happen right before payday, wouldn't it? I mean if it'd happened tomorrow I'd be able to grab my friend and go over but I have no choice now but to attempt to retrieve things without police help. Friend is on holiday until tomorrow.

Thank you for any input I'll look into methodical assertiveness.

Police and assistance sound good, well done for organising that - hope it's quick.

Maybe take a break from relationships for a while and work on being independent before you go there again? Feeling strong and capable on your own is a good start.

@ravenmum

Police and assistance sound good, well done for organising that - hope it's quick.

Maybe take a break from relationships for a while and work on being independent before you go there again? Feeling strong and capable on your own is a good start.

That sounds brilliant @ravenmum, I'll try.

I'm very useless and don't always stand up for myself but I'll try to do my best now.

Don't blame yourself. With a decent partner there's an equal amount of push and pull; it's not one-sided. You've evidently been with people who are hard to stand up to.

I don't think your boundaries are wrong, you know what he was doing wasn't ok, and you spoke out, you 'just' felt uncomfortable doing it.

I think it becomes easier with practice.

Also, there's comes a point where you should bin and I think it's gone past that point. It seems like you got rid of him? If so it sounds like you did it all.

It's only a minor thing

It's really not- joking about violence you've been a victim of is not ok, neither is the weird gaslighting or whatever about the item.

I dumped a wrong'un in February and have constantly thought about assertiveness since then, what I should've done in numerous situations with different people in my life, at what point I should've binned various people/men etc. I've stayed single and don't have any wish for a relationship at the moment. I went into therapy after about 5 months, to help me process my emotions.

You could seek therapy to help you be more comfortable/able to consistently enforce your boundaries. Your GP could put you on the list if you frame it as you are suffering from something such as anxiety/depression and/or PTSD. You could look at what else is available locally. Some women's centres etc.

I think you haven't given yourself credit for what you've done. In the past you mightn't have enforced boundaries, but this time you did. Great work, keep going. xxx