How can I get Support for getting on with my life after domestic abuse?

[10YellowTulips]

Good morning - after yet another incident with my ex I’m looking for somewhere on here or elsewhere on the internet where I could get some support with dealing with my abusive ex and just a place to chat things through in general with people in a similar situation. Can anyone suggest topic boards or discussion groups etc? Could be here, another website or Facebook.

I’m lucky that I am not trapped living with him and it’s been a few years since we lived together. I’ve come a long way in my efforts to get rid of him so I’m not in the same position as someone still living with their abuser. Unfortunately we have a daughter and I still have to deal with him due to her contact with him. When he goes through a “crazy phase” as I call it he does his absolute best to be as disruptive and horrible to me as he can. For example, in the latest case I told him I wanted contact arranged in writing because I know he is being deliberately vague about arrangements in order to inconvenience me. So he turned up banging on my door at 11pm instead. My daughter has reached puberty and I worry about the effects on her of all of this. I’m scared of completely cutting all contact because I worry that if I do he might get violent.

Would be grateful for suggestions of places I could access for advice and support. It feels as if everything is geared towards people still in the relationship or those who have recently left.

He is already violent, verbally so. He has not changed a bit since you were together and he is still abusing you and in turn your daughter through an informal access arrangement (such never work well with abusive men). What you can do for yourself is change how you react to him and use legal means like the police. Do not be further cowed here because that is also what he wants. What he is doing here is all about power and control and he wants absolute over both of you. He enjoys seeing your discomfort and gets off on having this power and control over you.

How old is your child now?. Does her contact with him benefit her in any way; likely not. Yes he's her dad but he is not much of a dad to her because of his ongoing abuse of you as her mother and in turn her own self. You should have also called the Police if he was banging on your door at 11pm because this amounts to harassment.

I would also contact both Womens Aid and the Rights of Women as the latter here can also give legal advice.

Thanks Attila. I get all of this. But putting things into practice is not always so easy. My daughter is 10, I’ve been dealing with this stuff since I was pregnant. I’ve come a long way, I really have. I do worry a lot about her and the impact on her mental health and that’s why I have taken a harder line with him recently, hence the escalation in his intimidation and bullying tactics.

I’ve tried almost everything over the years with varying degrees of success. This guy has zero respect for any kind of authority and is so self absorbed that he believes he is right about everything. I need to somehow find the right balance in dealing with him, I honestly believe that pushing him too far has the potential to be counter productive and could end with him harming me in some way. It’d be really helpful to talk things through with someone and more importantly, have that ongoing support I’m lacking. I have accessed support in the past but it feels like all the organisations in my area (inner London) are under resourced and only really able to help people in more immediate danger or with practical needs like housing or finance issues.
My legal situation is unusual in that I already have court orders but unfortunately my case was discharged (because years ago he was able to hoodwink me into trying again, of course it did not work) and I’m under the impression that the only way to get an improvement would be for him to take me to court. But perhaps aim wrong about that so I will contact rights of women, I had not heard of them.

Support in London is varied. Tbh depending on your borough, there's very little support for housing or people still in the relationship so don't take it personally. If you're BAME you might find support. There are a number of different services set up to help if you are? As you've got a child you could also try social services. Tell them you're struggling to cope because of abuse. Ask for a family welfare/support officer.

OP you have some options but as a pp suggested it would be a good idea to contact Rights of Women or FLOWS who can also give legal advice.

I would download the Brightsky app and start taking evidence of what he's doing. You can also record audio and video on it.

Get one of those doorbells that records footage so you have evidence of him banging on the door. Call the police. It all builds evidence.

Can you organise contact with a third party? For example, can he collect her from school and drop her off at your mum's or a friend's? Then you go and get her? What we're aiming for here, is that you see him rarely if at all.

Get advice on taking him to court. A great organisation is Gingerbread who have a helpline. They can discuss contact and family court with you in order to nail down contact.

There's a good counselling service in London called the Women's Trust. They offer free counselling for women who have experienced domestic abuse. They have a long waiting list though but you can contact them and they may know of other organisations.

Divert his number to message only so you have evidence of any abuse and don't have to talk to him.

You often find with abusers that abuse escalates when you set boundaries with them which you're experiencing.

There is a facebook group called Domestic Abuse and Narcassist Abuse Support.

Your daughter is of an age where her opinion counts. Does she want to see him? You really need a solicitor who is skilled in dealing with abusive men. They can offer you advice. Have you thought about moving away and just not telling him where you’ve gone and let him take you through the court system? Does he have the willpower to do that?

Thank you for the advice everyone. Things escalated further this week but I stood my ground and he backed down and I believe he will leave us alone for a short while at least. I don’t want to say too much here because he has previously managed to find my posts on mumsnet and worked out they were me. This is a new account and username.

There’s some really good advice above and lots of things I was not aware of so I am definitely going to try some of them. Some other things I’ve already tried and haven’t worked out in the long term. I find that My ex is very persistent and I need to tell him the Sam things over and over again.

When he turns up banging at 11pm, what do you do? If he gets what he wants out of behaving that way, maybe you need to change that.

Instead of telling him things repeatedly, maybe you need to write him an email with the info, and then refer him back to it every time instead? Try the grey rock technique on him?