Support when I'm upset - how to navigate?

[rainstormsandrainbows]

My boyfriend is very logical and ordered in his thinking, whereas I am more emotional. I like to talk about feelings and emotions and he doesn't. He tends not to get upset about things, more annoyed or frustrated.

On Sunday I found out that a girl I had been friends with 13 years ago had died suddenly. I know it was a long time ago, but I am still sad about it and have been reflecting on the times we had together, happy memories etc.

I saw my boyfriend last night for the first time since I had the news and he was supportive in his own way - lots of cuddles, understanding that I was quiet etc but really I'd have liked him to have initiate conversation about it so that I could talk about my feelings,
memories of her etc. However, I know that this is not really in his nature and I do have friends I can talk to, so should I just accept that this is the way he is and lean on friends for support, or ask him to talk things through with me when I'm upset? I'm wary of doing the latter in case it comes across as a criticism, and I am also aware that one person cannot fulfil all your needs and to do so could be putting unreasonable pressure on him. In his logical brain, he is probably thinking 'the friendship was 13 years ago so it's not that much of a big deal' and probably doesn't even understand why I am that upset.

Any thoughts welcome!

bump

Unfortunately men and women are often socialised differently and in my experience means that men can have quite a limited range in terms of emotions and lack of emotional intelligence. What they see as logic is just a lack of the above and as you mentioned anger and frustration are emotions so he is obviously capable of emotion.

There is no reason however why a man can't be empathic, supportive and understanding. If you articulate to him that you found that he brushed off your sadness what would he say? If he feels bad then it'll be a learning opportunity for him but if he dismisses and minimises then he either doesn't care or has some issues with intimacy and the normal range of human emotions. I find this sometimes equates with seeing women as 'lesser' because they are 'not logical' which is quite misogynistic and I hope that is not the case with your DP as that can be very engrained.

Also sorry about your friend

A friend of my bf's died when we'd been together a year or so. They hadn't seen each other for years, and he came from his home town, far away, so I had no idea how sad he might feel. It was only this year, when we went over to his home town, that I got a feeling for how close they must have been, and felt sorry that I hadn't been more openly sympathetic.

Does your bf really know exactly how you feel? Why do you feel as if you have to ask him to talk about it, rather than you just talking about it?

Thanks everyone. I don't know, I suppose I would just like him to be more intuitive and say 'I'm here if you need to talk' like my friends have done. He is supportive in his own way (extra cuddles and hugs etc) but he isn't a great one for talking about feelings and I guess I'm trying to work out whether that is a problem for me. As I said, I have friends who i can talk to and I am aware that one person can't fulfil all your needs so I'm wondering whether perhaps I could be asking too much of him if it is not in his nature to be that way.

You say you would like him to tell you you can talk, but you also say he was understanding of your need to be quiet. If you were not talking he probably didn't realise that talking was what you wanted, iyswim.

It's nothing to do with whether it's "that big a deal", it's a different way of dealing with your emotions. He could see you were subdued and assumed that was how you were dealing with it. He didn't initiate conversation about it because that didn't appear to be what you wanted. It would have been insensitive and intrusive.

Also, it wouldn't occur to me to say to a relationship partner "I'm here if you need to talk" because isn't that one of the things a relationship partner is for? If you want to talk to him, you just start talking.

@merryhouse

You say you would like him to tell you you can talk, but you also say he was understanding of your need to be quiet. If you were not talking he probably didn't realise that talking was what you wanted, iyswim.

It's nothing to do with whether it's "that big a deal", it's a different way of dealing with your emotions. He could see you were subdued and assumed that was how you were dealing with it. He didn't initiate conversation about it because that didn't appear to be what you wanted. It would have been insensitive and intrusive.

Also, it wouldn't occur to me to say to a relationship partner "I'm here if you need to talk" because isn't that one of the things a relationship partner is for? If you want to talk to him, you just start talking.

Thanks for this, you are probably right. I am a massive overthinker and this may well be a case in point...