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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

When a parent disowns you, how do you deal with it?

13 replies

BigThree · 25/08/2020 20:36

Name changed for this as possibly too outing for me.

Just wanted to hear how other people have dealt with this kind of situation as it’s something that weighs on my mind often.

My parents split when I was very young, but my dad and I always had regular contact and I have been lucky to have a wonderful stepdad from the age of 2, so 3 solid supportive parents.
But in my late teens I chose to be with someone my dad had a huge issue with due to their background (I won’t go into detail but I understand as a parent why it upset him for me to be with this person)
I went on to marry this person and have two children with him, and my dad has not spoken to me since. That’s 5 years no contact. I’ve written to him, extended the olive branch as it were, I told him when both of my DCs were born but it has all been too much for him and he’s just checked out of my life. I have had the support of the rest of my family and so there’s been no horrible void left in his absence but it is sad to think that my children will never know him at this rate.
I have now separated from my husband due to us just being very different people and growing apart after a hard few years and it leaves me wondering what I would do if my dad did reach out, or how I would feel if he never did.
Just would be good to hear what others chose to do if this kind of thing has ever happened to them.
Sorry for the long post but thanks for reading x

OP posts:
Beachbodylonggone · 25/08/2020 20:46

I haven't seen my df for over 20 years.. He didn't bother too much when I was a dc. Later realised my dm played a huge part in that.. As a teen I reached out and we had a half decent relationship for about 10 years.. He made a decent job of being a dgf I guess. When my sm got 40 she decided she wasn't a proper dgm and bowed out. They won big money and he dumped us soon after....
I realised he was yet again being dictated to by a woman.
Sad excuse for a man I accepted...
He has no idea how many dc I have now.

BigThree · 25/08/2020 20:58

That’s really sad @Beachbodylonggone, I’m sorry it ended like that for you. Do you regret reaching out in the first place or was it worth it? I’m just worried about reaching out and confusing DC’s if he ever decides to just check out of our lives again. Almost feels like they’re protected from any of that if things are left as they are

OP posts:
aShinyNewUsername · 25/08/2020 21:10

Hmm I think I’d need to know the reason before deciding if he deserved to be in my life again.

Say if he didn’t like your DH due to his race then NO.

If he didn’t like your DH because his family murdered your grandmother then yes that’s valid.

BigThree · 25/08/2020 21:24

@aShinyNewUsername it was to do with a conviction. It wasn’t unreasonable for my dad to want no part in the relationship initially, but the rest of my family were supportive in time once they got to know ExH.

OP posts:
Beachbodylonggone · 25/08/2020 21:34

On reflection I wish I hadn't bothered. Dc sat watching and waiting for him at the window .. Just like I did as a dc...

Fidgety31 · 25/08/2020 21:36

I got in with my own life .
My father hasn’t seen me for over 20 years - his choice. Was never around throughout my childhood anyway .
My mother hasn’t spoken a word to me for over 3 years - her choice .
I am not going to go begging . They are still the parents no matter how old I am - so it’s up to them to try and initiate contact . And I know this will never happen so I don’t think about them anymore and just accept this is how it is .

mindutopia · 25/08/2020 22:21

I think it would depend on whether in retrospect I agreed that he was right and that it was a decision he had made for the best when he ran out of other options.

You said it was to do with a conviction. It’s not the same situation but I’ve ended my relationship with my mum because her partner has a history of child sex offences. It’s a really reasonable decision because he is genuinely a risk and I don’t support her being with someone like that knowing he could harm her grandchildren. She lives on another planet and doesn’t see the issue and the stress and pain is not worth it for the relationship.

If it’s something like that and you realise now you made a bad choice, it’s worth reaching out. If it’s because he stole some sweets when he was 16 or got caught in the park with some cannabis, it’s maybe not because that’s perhaps less likely to be ‘about the conviction’ and more just about your relationship.

Lockdownseperation · 25/08/2020 22:24

What was the conviction for? Shop lifting pick and mix as a teenager or sexual assault?

NutellaEyes · 26/08/2020 05:45

It hugely depends on what the ex husband did and what you mean due to his 'background' and 'conviction' .

BigThree · 26/08/2020 06:31

@mindutopia that makes a lot of sense and I think it’s a logical thing for someone to do when there’s concern about risk of future harm.
The conviction was to do with fraud with an old employer, it wasn’t big news but it’s a small town and my dad knew a friend of a friend that worked for the same company.
I think my dad just wanted better for me and was concerned that his conviction meant he couldn’t be trusted, which is why I understood. I think the rest of my family took the ‘everyone deserves a second chance’ view after they got to know him, he was young when it happened and he knows looking back it was a huge mistake.

OP posts:
BillywilliamV · 26/08/2020 06:39

Not sure any parent who can walk away like that is worth having back. I would just get on with your life, his loss!

PineappleUpsideDownCake · 26/08/2020 06:41

Different situation but my (divorced) parents dont like me at all. I've sought counselling this year due to a traumatic childhood and Ive realised for one parent me existing was the problem and I cant so anything about that, nothing will change gis twisted view.

The mum I think did love me but was mentally unable to parent. She has a deink problem and I clicked on this thread as after 3 years of is being quite close she's disowned me and sent 2 months of vitriolic texts periodically. (I block her mid spiel for a bit but it hurts each time).

Its really really hard when parents who are supposed to be a supporrive loving presence are actively not wanting anything to do with you/are abusive themselves.

I dont yet know how to deal with it! Im in the middle of it now but Im hoping the pain will lesson and I can just get on with life. I am not actively chasing them like I used to.

NutellaEyes · 26/08/2020 06:44

As a parent, I can see how I would be disappointed by this choice of a partner however I would also think that my daughter needs me more than ever and I would be keen to stay close and not alienate her from the family particularly if I thought her partner was dodgey so I don't understand why he froze you out at a time when you could have been very vulnerable. I think you were nice to reach out several times... I think you have done enough but it's up to you both how to proceed.

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