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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Selfish husband

12 replies

readingbored · 25/08/2020 18:18

Before Covid I was in the process of changing my job. My husbands employer is a dinosaur and while he can effectively WFH and did until recently they are incredibly inflexible. Historically if one of our daughters has been poorly I have ended up WFH and juggling poorly child. My husband wouldn’t even take off an hour to come to go to maternity growth scans with me as his work would make him make up the hours and he was willing and wouldn’t ask his boss. So I knew I would end up being the one having to constantly juggle a new job during lockdown and all childcare and home schooling. I deferred my new job until Autumn and have focussed on childcare. While I have been privileged to be home with my children it has been very stressful as my 4.5 year old has been incredibly challenging from a behaviour perspective. I am worn out every day. Dh comes home from work and basically says I am to do all the cooking and a lot of admin etc. Pretty much every day he says I am on holiday. I don’t see how a 4 and a 6 year old at home now since mid March is a holiday. I have done so many activities etc with them and spent time at weekends planning the coming week. I was begrudged going to gym classes on Sunday morning. He won’t step in to discipline my 4 year old when he gets home. Now he says he will take them on holiday in half term in October. I will have just started new job and won’t have enough vacation, though he could wait and go away Friday - Sunday with me he isn’t willing to include me. I suspect he may invite his mum instead- she is another issue. I feel I deserve a trophy after the work I have put in since March. I am a solicitor, and day in day out childcare etc is more tiring than having peace and quiet at work even if work is stressful. I have missed grown ups, felt stressed about my girls’ welfare and also feel angry that I have drained my bonus and savings to pay bills to cover the months I have been home with my husband not paying more than usual (where he could afford to) . DH clearly thinks it’s been a long holiday, and does not recognise or respect that I have done something to my detriment to help the family. When I start back at work I know I will end up dealing more with the kids, as I will still be able to WFH more than him. He cannot go to gym at work, so runs when he gets home rather than helping with kids. I will be expected to squeeze gym etc into my working day and just juggle everything- I know because it will be just like before. I am feeling bitter about my role and it’s impacting how I interact with DH. Am I unreasonable or is he selfish?

OP posts:
WizardOfAus · 25/08/2020 18:51

DUMP. NEXT.

tobedtoMNandfart · 25/08/2020 18:54

You're a solicitor and you seriously need to ask this question?

He's not sharing the parenting
He's not sharing the admin
He's not sharing equal leisure time
He's not sharing money
He's not sharing equal career opportunities
He's not emotionally supportive

You're married. You both decided to have DC. Why does he think childcare just magically happens?
Frankly I don't know how you can look him in the face. What a git. I'm willing to bet your life would be way easier without him. Sorry 💐

tobedtoMNandfart · 25/08/2020 18:55

Or what she said ^^ 🤣

tobedtoMNandfart · 25/08/2020 18:58

He won't back you up with discipline
He won't share his holiday...

Did I miss anything?

Aquamarine1029 · 25/08/2020 18:58

Your husband is a selfish, useless fuckwit. You should be intelligent enough to know you don't have to live like this. Get rid.

Mistystar99 · 25/08/2020 19:00

Let him take them away at half term without you, he'll see how much work it is and you can have a lovely week of peace!!

AnytimeIsWineTime · 25/08/2020 19:06

Sounds like a waste of time. Also, like many of us, lockdown has given us far too much time to think about things!
Although it sounds like a heavy workload for you. Are you sure it’s not just the little things seeming like a bigger deal because you are feeling isolated, cooped up and have no release? I’m not in any way trying to down play what you do but, I know lockdown has caused problems in my relationship. We had our first DC on lockdown day! First few weeks were fab and we loved it. He had no work as he is a chef. I love him dearly and we have been together 10 years but, come May, I had an overwhelming urge to punch him in the throat 🙈 Now he is back at work and I am on maternity leave, I’m getting more frustrated. I just have to remind myself to keep it in check. Talk it through with yourself.
If none of the above apply and he is genuinely that selfish, you would be better off on your own. Lay it down for him and make him listen. Give him the choice. He either steps up or moves out. He can go live with his mummy

mbosnz · 25/08/2020 19:06

Why are you putting up with this useless turd of a man? I'd not be cooking for him, I'd not be doing his laundry, I'd sure as hell not be having sex - damn, I'd be hard put to look at him in a civil tone of voice without imagining him with a frypan applied upside the head. A really heavy fry pan.

updownroundandround · 25/08/2020 19:29

You're an intelligent and articulate woman.

You need to show him in black and white the LONG list of things that need to be done to make family life work.

Include ;

  1. Equal financial contribution.( retrospective too ! He OWES you money, it's his DC too !)
  2. Arranging childcare, drop offs/ pick ups, bath time, bedtime,
school homework, sick days etc (equally shared !)
  1. Housework jobs/ house maintenance ( what, when, where and how if he's clueless). If he can work, he can learn to run a house !)
4.Shopping and cooking
  1. Laundry and ironing. (if he can drive, he can use washing machine and iron !)
  2. Weekend plans/ special occasions. (It's NOT your job to buy and send cards/ gifts for everyone).
  3. Lie ins/ exercise/ nights out/ friends / alone time etc ( equally shared).

You're going to need to work out what you do and how many hours of work you are doing to show him just how wrong he is in thinking you've had a holiday too. In black and white. Work out what HE does too, so you can show him what a lazy entitled prick he has been.

Once you have agreed to an equal division of work, stick to it ! Do not do more than your share ! Men rely on women to pick up the slack when they can't be bothered. You need to LET him struggle ( and fail on occasion). YOU learned what needs done, so can HE !

Blanca87 · 25/08/2020 19:35

I can't understand why you are putting up with this either? Totally purplexed why you rinsed your savings whilst he didn't contribute, what's that all about? What's was your relationship role models like? Is there toxic family history that has conditioned you to except this shite life? I hope you get clarity and kick this waste of space to the curb.

LilyWater · 25/08/2020 21:40

@WizardOfAus

DUMP. NEXT.
GrinGrin

Seriously though, OP why don't you arrange to be out of the house for a entire day from early morning to late evening (or preferably the weekend) and NOT do anything for the children beforehand so he can see what it's actually like juggling them? I don't think you'll be able to get through to him otherwise. Sounds like he's never actually been fully responsible for them and to be honest you've facilitated his behaviour. You need to drop the reins, he's just as much a parent as you are.

BubblyBarbara · 25/08/2020 21:48

You should use your skills or contacts to take him to the cleaners to be honest. Get away from this vile man

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