Tips on a dealing with the narcissist

[loudev]

I need your help please! So separated from ex almost 3 years ago, he was emotionally abusive, a narcissist and just not a nice person! We have children together, range age from 2-11. (I was early days pregnant with youngest when we split)

Normally I'm pretty good these days at dealing with him, I stand up for myself, I ignore his horrible comments and don't let him bother me. But today for some reason he's got under my skin.

I've been with someone else now for about a year, going well, he's got kids, we've all met, alls well, I'm pregnant we're aiming to move in together this year. He stays over a couple nights a week, those days haven't fallen on the days I have my kids for a couple weeks now, it's just the way it's happened, but last night I have my kids, he came over, kids we're all fine with him like always, 6 year old was speaking to him lots about various things, she went to bed then same in the morning, talking to him like she always does! I dropped the kids off at their dads this morning, phoned this afternoon to arrange pick up of my youngest who I need to have back tonight as he has an appointment early tomorrow...

Ex says the 6 year old has been in a right mood all day, says she's been totally out of character... she's not happy... she is acting out... so I said well she gets like it sometimes, (which she does like all kids!) he argued with me, said no there's something different about it today something is really bothering her! I said what time I'd be there to pick up the youngest and hung up. All was said in his high and mighty voice 🙄 like he is telling me off!

Now it's obvious kids have told him my partner was here last night, and he's taken it upon himself to blame this on my childs behaviour. He's done it lots of times before with all the kids, he has a massive issue with me being with someone else, has even tried to make me pick between him and my kids before 🙄.

Anyway when I see him in a bit I know for a fact he will start at me about the 6 year old and say I shouldn't have my partner round the kids ect... what should I say? Should I say nothing?

Just to say my kids do get on with my partner fine, it's almost like they know their dad doesn't like him so that reflects onto them. I know he's wrong, but I have to listen to his bullshit and it gets on my nerves!

So new partner of a year, a bunch of young kids already, difficult ex and you're pregnant again?
I'd probably be acting out in her case, poor kid.

You do know you don't actually have to have a child with everyone you shag, don't you?

I would avoid having to speak to him at all.
Email only
Arrange drop off,arrange pick up, appointments etc.
Keep it neutral
Dont get drawn into explaining anything.
Its none of his business

@Styledbyserpents yes because I have a difficult ex and young kids I shouldn't move on and make a life for myself. Jog on.

@StyleandBeautyfail thank you, it just makes my bloody boil when he gets on his high horse thinking he's god, he's a horrible person.

Within a year? Seriously?

@Styledbyserpents I agree with you there is a lot going on. Especially if there is tension between the parents the child will not know how to process it

But Op I would suggest stop communicating with him, keep answers short, smile and agree and move on to what you want to do.

Your wasting energy and words on someone who is unable to absorb them.

Honestly that is a lot to pack into a year, but you're there now and the only thing you can do is ride the wave. My kids (older than yours) didn't meet my new partner until I'd been seeing him for nearly a year and even now living together is not on the cards because they've already had enough drama from my narc Ex.

You have to grey rock him. Short, polite to the point and be prepared to end the convo if it starts getting personal. Of course you have the right to move on but that is quite a lot for kids to handle in a relatively short space of time. Good luck with it, you have my sympathy

I think the kids behaviour is probably more down to their narcissistic emotionally abusive dad but for some reason that's been looked over because I've chose to move on.. apparently quickly. We wouldn't be moving in together yet if I wasn't pregnant, but I had the copper coil, it had moved without me realising and I fell pregnant and here we are. Things are good between me my partner and all our kids, so made the decision to keep the baby and make this work. We're doing our best. This post wasn't really about my child's behaviour, she plays up like any kid does, nothing excessive. It's my ex making out her behaviour is down to my partner when it really isn't, it's just a normal kid, being in a mood and playing up occasionally. She does it when my partner hasn't even been around, because she's a 6 year old child!

Just because your ex is a narcissistic arsehole doesn't mean he's wrong. Your kids have been through massive changes in the past couple of years, and now you're pregnant with a partner they barely know and he's moving in. You're lying to yourself if you believe there won't be consequences.

I agree. Look at your own behaviour before blaming your ex.

With the ex: grey rock (in ALL situations).

With the new boyfriend: slow down, despite pregnancy! See keep the baby and make this work is not how personal relationships operate. Having moved too fast by accident you can't know if it will work out or not, chances are it won't, which is OK. Sure go ahead and plan to be great co-parents but don't hitch that to him moving in and becoming a step dad to your children accidentally too. You and he are becoming parents, you can both choose to go full on there. You and he may or may not turn out to be compatible as a married couple with a blended family: you can't make it happen just because it is the most convenient.

Did you do the Freedom Programme or have any counselling after leaving your ex?

I’ll take on board what you’re saying
I’ll take on board what you’re saying
I’ll take on board what you’re saying
I’ll take on board what you’re saying

Smile sweetly and repeat the same phrase

Then having taken it on board... do exactly what you thinks gonna make you happy

It’s a great phrase as it closes him down, gives you equal footing and actually means nothing

🤔

I think you don't really need to have these conversations with your Ex. Keep contact to a minimum and have a ready excuse to cut him off. Always be 'on your way out' somewhere. Rise above the sniping, just ignore him, he's pushing your buttons.

I hope this new guy is a good'un. You have a lot on your plate and you are going to have to be energetic and strong to make sure all your children are getting the attention and stability they need. That is not to say that it can't be done and you may well have that happy ever after yet. Good luck.

It sounds like your ex is an asshole but I also agree you should think about the amount of upheaval your kids have gone through in only a year - plus lockdown. That’s gong to affect them, in addition to the issues with their dad.

Whether he is right or not I don’t think you should dismiss your daughter ‘playing up’ as just like any kid without really trying to see if more is going on. It’s a lot for all the kids to cope with in a very short space of time.

Christ OP I’m not sure whether to give you a handhold because of your situation with the EXH or to give you a handhold in regards to some of the comments you’ve received here!!

You deserve happiness, your children will always be your first priority. Talk to your daughter, take her out just the two of you one day if that is possible. If your thoughts are confirmed and he is lying / manipulating the situation then minimal contact needs to be put in place.

I hope pick-up wasn’t too horrendous for you. Well done for leaving an emotionally abusive relationship too.

What a nasty comment! @Styledbyserpents absolutely no need!