Drug Use

[Willitjuststop]

I know what I have to do, I really do.
I'm just devastated that we haven't even been married long and I'm already going to have to divorce.
I never thought it would come to this.
DH used to dabble in drugs when he was younger, long before we met. And as far as o was aware and that we'd discussed it was a thing way in the past.

Roll forward to recent months and it's a past time he has taken up again. Seemingly to help his anxiety he says.
I gave the ultimatum of stopping or our marriage would be over.
He swore that was it, our marriage was too important.

Fast forward a few weeks after that and I know he's still doing them.
I know I shouldn't have but late nights out recently made me suspicious so I checked his phone.
It's all there in messages.

I am yet to confront him.

I don't know what I'm posting for, maybe just to tell somebody. Can't speak to anyone IRL at the moment about it.

What kind of drugs is he using? Have he considered getting a professional help for his addiction?

He’s turning to the thing he usually turns to when stressed.

Until he finds an alternative solution he will always turn to that. Doesn’t matter how sorry he is after. That’s just words. Actions speak louder.

Up to you if you want to see what solution he comes up with when you discuss it with him (ie some kind of rehab or a giving up drugs type of support group.
If he intends doing the same as before (ie nothing but promising to give it up) clearly that won’t work and I’d leave him.

Photograph the messages for evidence. You never know when you may need it.

When last confronted he doesn't think he has an issue.

Its coke he's using.

I have children to consider. Theyre not his but he does have his own.
I don't think he does it at home thankfully.

How often is he using? I do coke once every few years when around a certain segment of my social circle and don't see it as an issue. I'm single, though, and without kids. If he's using every weekend or even daily then, yes, it obviously needs to be nipped in the bud

He's using more than I would tolerate, which is anything more than nothing.

He knows my stance.

Don't get me wrong I think whatever a person chooses to do is fine. And he's free to do that but he can't remain married to me.

He's using to cope with stress and won't stay away from the people he associates with to do it.
Going against all we discussed a few weeks back.
He's been to the docs to talk about the issue and now has meds.

I just think what a waste of our relationship, he has chosen that over us. Although secretly now.

I feel like a right twat. Looking through his phone is one thing I've never ever thought I'd do.

You did it with due cause.

Sorry OP you are worth more

I'm in the same boat as you, found out 18 months ago my now ex was heavily using cocaine and I've given him so many chances to stop but he always goes back to it. He's high functioning and holds down a job but disappears for whole nights and wastes every spare bit of money and more on it.
What surprised me was how normal and accepted it's become so I think for an addict it's hard to stop if you lack willpower.
2 months ago I decided I'd had enough and walked away which is upsetting but it's no life to be sat at home wondering or trying to look at his pupils when he's been to the bathroom. It's also the mood swings and paranoia they go through when heavily using and just before my ex left he was blowing out lumps of flesh onto tissue and if that alone doesn't make someone stop then nothing will.
You seem very strong and I respect that. For over a year I tried to change someone who didn't see a problem with his actions and in the end it nearly destroyed me x

If his drug use is to do with his anxiety, could you support him to make an appointment with his GP to get some help with his mental health? If he refuses to make an effort to do that then you may want to consider ending things, but this could be a possible solution.

If he's, "using more than I would tolerate, which is anything more than nothing", and signed up to that... well, you now the rest.

No level of coke use is acceptable to me, having children.

Its about priorities. Stop making him yours, you aren't his.

• know

Coke is for sad insecure people, it's a horrible negative drug that makes people into tedious wankers. I think all the exploitation and violence that goes into its production and trafficking taints it too.

I don't generally have a problem with drug use but It's the main drug I'd take umbrage about a partner being into (the odd night out once or twice a year notwithstanding). I've never met a coke head that wasn't a bit of a pathetic twat.

Eh he’s using cocaine to cure his anxiety? Wouldn’t that be a massive cause of anxiety?

I left my ex p due to drug use, always promised change but never delivered.

I hope it’s different for you but don’t put yourself through it being around someone on a comedown, snappy, angry, short tempered and feeling guilty for the money that has been spent on it (let’s face it, it’s expensive!) when it could of been put to better use!

My husband died nearly two years ago because he took cocaine. I looked into leaving several times but it was too dangerous financially to do it in the short-term so I was working on a five year plan to extract myself. As it turns out, the coke extracted him first.

In my experience, when you're in a relationship with an addict, it's like you're in a relationship with three people. He would always prioritise his substance over me or his kids. I think ultimately, that was his big love. If he wasn't taking it, I think he was thinking about it, fantasising about it. If he was on the wagon, he was absent anyway because all his time was taken up with NA meetings, sponsor meetings, church meetings - anything but his family. I think that's what life with an addict can be like sometimes - they're either absent because of active addiction or absent because of recovery.

It sounds like your DH is in denial and will come up with multiple excuses to use, which is all part of the problem. I'd definitely look to prioritising yourself and get yourself out of there if you can. He might get himself straight and then after a substantial time in recovery maybe there'll be another chance. I'm sorry you're going through this, you must be devastated.

So sorry to hear that greypaw 💐

I feel incredibly guilty as I know that separation will only then mean he will use to cope and so it spirals.

This time last year it was completely different.
No drugs (that I was aware of).
What do you class as addiction. I mean he has never been completely honest I don't think with his use but maybe once a week. And now I know he's had a few benders in the past week or two.

The last few years have been incredibly rough for me with many things happening my side of the family.
I've literally got to the point of I just want it all to stop. It seems never ending and now this.

Appleofmyeye05
Yes so expensive. Money he doesn't have at all.
Thankfully finances are separate.

I know I'll just about manage financially on my own. I've done it before. I'll make it work again. I have to for the kids.
Its so frustrating to have to take that step back again. I yearn for a more simple life.

You poor thing. I think you have to rip the plaster off and tell him to leave. What an idiot he is.

Stop feeling guilty!

You didn't cause it

You can't cure it

You can't control it

What you CAN control is your reaction to it - the best one being to leave this relationship.

@Willitjuststop

So sorry to hear that greypaw 💐

I feel incredibly guilty as I know that separation will only then mean he will use to cope and so it spirals.

This time last year it was completely different.
No drugs (that I was aware of).
What do you class as addiction. I mean he has never been completely honest I don't think with his use but maybe once a week. And now I know he's had a few benders in the past week or two.

The last few years have been incredibly rough for me with many things happening my side of the family.
I've literally got to the point of I just want it all to stop. It seems never ending and now this.

Yes, that was one of my worries - if I left he'd spiral, and at that point he would easily have spent all his money on drugs and defaulted on the mortgage. This was why I was working on an exit strategy. I wouldn't have held any guilt for the spiral though, that would always have been his choice.

My late DH was definitely an addict but for a long time he only used around every three months. He'd abstain in between times, going to NA meetings and convincing himself he'd kicked it, before going missing on a 24 hour binge again. That was his cycle. At the end he was working away from home so it turns out he was using a bit more frequently, but not every day - his addiction was more like a weekly or fortnightly binge by then.

I'd say everyone's addiction looks different, but don't make the mistake of thinking that he has to use every day to be an addict. If it's fucking up his life but he's still using, or if he's tried to stop but can't, then those are sure signs.

Coke is not going to help with anxiety, it's a stimulant. Everyone knows that, so I think him claiming that is just a lie to excuse it. Even if he really thinks coke helps anxiety (which I sincerely doubt) as PP's said , he could go to his GP and seek evidence based help for his excuse which will actually work. But there's nothing in that for him. He just wants to use drugs. If he claims help he's had with his anxiety in the past hasn't worked, he still needs to go back as there are dozens of things they can try, and lots of different therapies etc.

IDK if it counts as an addiction but that would be it for me either way.

@Willitjuststop As you say, any amount of drugs is too much for you- I like to think it'd be the same for me. It's great that you know your boundaries/dealbreakers. Now enforce them and dump this druggie.

I feel incredibly guilty as I know that separation will only then mean he will use to cope and so it spirals.

Not your problem and also I'm sure he'll be ok with the recreation drug use he's choosing to indulge in. And as is often said- you can't help someone who's into drugs, they need to want help and seek it themselves.

Coke will help with anxiety for the 20 mins or so the high lasts for.

The rest of the time it will make it worse.

Never give ultimatums you're not going to stand by. If you said you would leave if he started taking drugs again, then leave. Otherwise he knows that he can do whatever he likes and there are no consequences. I wouldn't confront until you have a plan of action:

Sought legal advice
Worked out finances
Housing

It seems likely that he never stopped OP and he lied about his use when he met you. He's made his choice.

Coke will help with anxiety for the 20 mins or so the high lasts for.

@JudyGemstone I suppose so for some people. Think I would just get the horrors.

@lifedoesntletyoubeweak

I'm in the same boat as you, found out 18 months ago my now ex was heavily using cocaine and I've given him so many chances to stop but he always goes back to it. He's high functioning and holds down a job but disappears for whole nights and wastes every spare bit of money and more on it. What surprised me was how normal and accepted it's become so I think for an addict it's hard to stop if you lack willpower. 2 months ago I decided I'd had enough and walked away which is upsetting but it's no life to be sat at home wondering or trying to look at his pupils when he's been to the bathroom. It's also the mood swings and paranoia they go through when heavily using and just before my ex left he was blowing out lumps of flesh onto tissue and if that alone doesn't make someone stop then nothing will. You seem very strong and I respect that. For over a year I tried to change someone who didn't see a problem with his actions and in the end it nearly destroyed me x

It's awful isn't it.

The pupil watching crap. He knows I know his mannerisms on it so I think he now waits a significant amount of time before coming home so it's not so obvious.

I am trying to think of the right moment to bring it up and have it out.
Not whilst my children are here.

I have my plan in place. Housing is secure for me and my children.

You know what you need to do. The drugs will always come first, he'll forever be chasing the next high. You and the children deserve much better than life with a coke head.