Going no contact is so hard!!

[cerealkillah]

I'll try to keep this brief. I was with someone for 2 years. I'm 51 and he's 54. We met online and had a great time together. We never made long term plans as he's very much an avoidant (never lived with anyone and no kids), but I really enjoyed what we had. We went out and had weekends away and enjoyed each other's company. He was kind and funny. I enjoyed being with him. He said he felt the same way.
After 18 months I told him I loved him. He never said it back to me and made it clear he never would. He did tell me he cared a lot for me.

We saw each other a couple of times during lockdown, then communication broke down a bit. He was working long hours and he said his job was taking up his focus.
Two months ago he ended things with me out of the blue. He'd been "off" for a couple of days, but he'd never told me how he was feeling although we always said we'd be honest.

I was devastated. And I managed to go no contact for 6 weeks. I then messaged him to say I would like to be friends. He agreed and said he'd be in touch once he was in a better place. He said work was still tough, he had family issues and his natural reaction was to isolate away from people. I know him well enough to know that is exactly how he reacts to things at times.

Since then I've sent a couple of nice messages, and been ignored. Yesterday I deleted our chat, blocked him on WhatsApp and deleted him as a contact. I know that no contact is the only way to get over him. But I feel I never really got closure or a genuine answer from him as to what went wrong. I now want to email him to explain how hurt I am. Never once has he apologised or even asked me how I am. So I know, in my head, he's just not worth the effort. But it doesn't stop me having some sort of hope he will want me back. Please reassure me NC is the only way forward.

It is the only way forward. There isnt any answer he can give you that will satisfy you, and really he's just acting in character ie avoidant.

At the end of the day he doesnt want to go out with you anymore. Does he really need to apologise for that?

Write the letter to yourself but don't send. He wont want to hear it and will prob ignore it
Which will make you feel worse.
You ar worthy of someone who loves you, he doesn't.

@Porcupineinwaiting I guess you're right. Maybe he doesn't owe me an apology. I just got so little from him when he ended it. And I was so upset. I feel if he did care as much as he said, he'd apologise for hurting me. But maybe that's because that's how I'd act. I'm projecting on to him how I'd treat someone.

I once forced a real explanation out of a man who split up with me. Oof, it's one of the biggest mistakes in my life...I got a complete character assassination, the words of which still haunt me 13 years later.

Don't do it. Best scenario, you get no reply. Worst, you get the sort of response I did. The outcome will still be the same either way. Sometimes ignorance really is bliss.

This happened to me 3 months ago with my avoidant boyfriend. Phoned me up and in a 3 minute phone call told me he was "seeing someone else now", the gist of which was that he had got bored during lockdown.

Refused point blank to meet up, dumped my belongings on my doorstep when he knew I'd be out, although I did get some meaningless apologies by text "I'm sorry it ended this way" which to be honest are more about making himself feel better.

I'd known him for 15 years, in a relationship for 2!

Its the way they can just cut you out of their lives and seamlessly move on. I think it's a personality disorder, the ability to do that, not a good thing.

Just chalk it up as an experience. He told you he didn't love you and would never say it. The clues were all there that it would most likely end this way. He is one of those men who just go along for the ride when it suits and when he cant be bothered anymore he will delete and move on. These are tricky to get over as there probably wasn't any one thing that happened and he just wasn't that into you. Harsh but probably true. It damn well stings but blocking is the best way forward.

I'm sorry. You just aren't the woman for him, and although it doesn't feel like it, he isn't for you either.
There is no way to explain why you can't fall in love with someone, if there was then it would be easy to engineer.
It does sound like he could have been a lot kinder and more respectful, hints of a bit of a weak character imho.
You are only 51, you still have many, many years of hotness ahead and there will be someone who is worthy of you out there.
Definitely stay no contact. Your future self will thank the hell out of your past self for the strength and dignity.

Thank you so much for the supportive replies. It really has helped.

@IncandescentSilver I'm really sorry it happened to you. It's bloody awful isn't it?

I've rejoined a couple of dating apps today. I'm not overly bothered about meeting someone, but it will definitely distract me from thinking about him.

I’ve been there. Block, remove etc as you have done already :). It is his loss x

@cerealkillah it's v hard. I went through similar although mine did tell me he loved me and told me he wanted to spend rest of his life with me at one point. Then he withdrew emotionally, went quiet and dumped me by email. Then messaged me lots again and met up and talked... Then ghosted me. He's now reappeared after I blocked him but my phone displayed his message anyway when I checked who sent message. So, I've opened myself up to the roller-coaster again like the idiot I am because I love him.

I do know the real question is if he loves me back.

Your bloke has given you very little hope but that's a good thing really. Less of a head fuck. Do stay strong and hope you find someone worthy of you. If nothing else, reconnect with friends and remind yourself that you are loved elsewhere as I did. That's been my saving grace over this whole mess of a year.

I am in a very similar situation to you and even after months no contact l still have to fight the urge on a daily basis. I wished him well and said lots of nice things to him then realised a week later that he had been cheating on me for months. I do wish l had at that point given him a piece of my mind but l just blocked and tried to move on.
If there are things you really feel you need to say then do it and then walk away. Don't do it in the hope of starting a dialogue because that will just prolong your agony. Say your bit and be done. That's what l wish l had done as l think it would have helped me get closure. Instead l am still composing emails in my head, not good but it's obviously way too late for me to say anything now. Btw, l am the same age as you and l love what one poster said about us still having many years of hotness still to come. Yay, try to focus on that. X