Lack of affectionate words in otherwise good relationship

[cloudbusting42]

I’m in a lovely relationship with my DP of 18 months. Great communication, sex, practical and emotional support, we make each other hoot with laughter, have long chats about high and lowbrow things, shared interests and goals, etc. But there’s a niggle.

He’s really understated in his verbal expressions of love, whereas affectionate words mean a lot to me. I want to hear what it is he loves about me. I want him to check in about the relationship from time to time. I try and elicit these things but don’t get very far, which leaves me feeling like a complement-fishing dick. Examples (with the caveat these seem very blunt when written out of context):

Q: Why do you like what we've got?
A. Because it's easy

Q. How do you feel about spending a week with me?
A. I’m looking forward to the hols.

Me. I'm over the moon at how well our holiday went.
DP. It was a pretty good week.

Me. I adore you.
DP. I like your bum.

(OK, the last one wasn’t verbatim but kind of sums things up).

I’m pretty effusive in my compliments and declarations of love, which he seems to enjoy but not reciprocate. I tried to talk to him last night, which didn’t go well. He said that not being accepted for who he is is not very nice.

I get that I can’t expect him to be like me. I’m trying to see the other ways that he shows his love. He helps me with practical stuff (we live apart), he’s solidly there when he says he will be, he understands my past trauma and is patient with it, he’s passionate and open-minded in bed, he cares for my wellbeing (makes me take food for journeys, wants me to let him know I’ve arrived safely), is kind to my DD.

So all that is GREAT, but because he’s so generic in his words about me, I feel kind of.. interchangeable. Not special.

I’ve read all the Love Languages stuff but am a bit stuck. I also know I’ve got an anxious attachment style, which is so much fun (not). He knows that. Apparently there is such a thing as a dependency paradox. Knowing that I can depend on him (to give me what I need) will actually make me more independent and less preoccupied with the relationship. But when I ask him for these words, nothing changes.

Am I expecting too much? Will this unfulfilled need / incompatibility eventually be too much to bear? Have I just got a massive ego?

Has anyone successfully learned to live with this difference, or encouraged their DP to give them what they need?

Sweet Jesus. It sounds like you've swallowed a copy of Cosmopolitan. You're not actually asking him these questions are you?

You're analysing this relationship to death OP. Love languages, the dependency paradox...

Either accept this is the way he is or finish the relationship.

Words are easy, actions are much more important.

Read up on the five love languages. It will change your life

I'm with you on the love languages. You need something from him and he won't meet those needs so that you don't need them.

It's very difficult to be with someone when your love languages are so different. And it doesn't sound like he's willing to compromise either, so that puts you in a spot.

I think I’m relatively affectionate with words, but your questions would kill it for me.

Is there no way that you can notice whatever he does do - however he shows his love - and appreciate that?

If it’s all about words for you, and it might be given your anxious attachment, unless you’re working on that, then I don’t think you’re very compatible. Which is sad, but probably better to consider.

The dependency paradox is a minefield, by the way. It can just as easily lead to dependency on him as it can make you feel more secure. It depends whether the “security” fades for you, or if him saying it once would be enough. For most people, it’s the former. I’ve been there and you really don’t want to be relying completely on him for that.

Useful range of opinions, thank you.

We'll keep talking. Some compromise on both sides would help a lot. @ShellsAndSunrises, what you say about dependency makes sense. Surely it's not a one shot thing, and some immunity might set in.

“Great communication, sex, practical and emotional support, we make each other hoot with laughter, have long chats about high and lowbrow things, shared interests and goals, etc. But there’s a niggle.”

No-one is perfect but from what you say above it sounds like this guy ticks a great many boxes. So why are you focussing on the one thing that doesn’t quite suit you rather than all the things he’s getting right?

I speak as an anxious person - it’s just too easy to get into bottomless pit of needs mode if you are always looking to your partner to behave in exactly the way you require rather than learning to recognise how he shows his love for you. It sounds like you are continually setting little tests for him with your questions. It’s really not fair on him and will start to undermine your relationship.

My DH is crap at the sweet talk but he regularly shows me he cares about me through his actions.

And MN is full of posts from women whose partners have love-bombed and sweet-talked them into situations they are really unhappy with - often involving the bloke having lost his job and moved in and/or caring for that bloke’s children from a previous relationship while he goes off to football matches etc.

Actions speak so much louder than words. It sounds like there’s a lot of great stuff in this relationship so try to focus on that.

Maybe he feels awkward, i think rather than trying to prescribe what he should do or say could you be more general about what you need, perhaps he would be happier to write you a little note or get you a little gift every week or whatever. If he understands what your actual need is and you understand how feeling about it all which is something you don't seem to know yet, then it will be easier to relax.

No one likes to feel pressured into doing something, both partners want to feel like they can go above and beyond and delight the other. If your minimum standard is what he would class as above and beyond he might feel pressurised whereas if things were more relaxed and knew you'd appreciate it he might open up more

You need to fill up your own cup so it brimmeth over with love from yourself to yourself. I was in the dark for a long time so trust me on this.

I'm a sucker for words of affirmation so I read positive quote Apps, do compassionate/loving kindness meditations, write nice quotes down, take time to respond thoughtfully. I know what my good qualities are, helpful, thoughtful, loyal... I don't need someone to affirm this, but I remember very clearly the times when people did - nice comments when I left jobs, when I was writing my dating profile I had to ask friends my good qualities and those Strengths Finders for work. I keep my positive emails in a little folder, saddo that I am, in case I need a pick me up 😂 Conversations from a place of curiosity and interest build intimacy.

OH isn't great with words but shows me in so many ways how much he loves me. I used to get upset when I was younger but now realise it's actions not words that matter.

But when I ask him for these words, nothing changes.

Would you really be happy to hear them when you know it's only because you've asked?

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble

I can't vouch for the accuracy of the quote, but seems like you and Frida are on the same wavelength. I love it.

Frida Kahlo told her husband, "I'm not asking you to kiss me, nor apologize to me when I think you're wrong. I won't even ask you to hug me when I need it most. I don't ask you to tell me how beautiful I am, even if it's a lie, nor write me anything beautiful. I won't even ask you to call me to tell me how your day went, nor tell me you miss me. I won't ask you to thank me for everything I do for you, nor to care about me when my soul is down, and of course, I won't ask you to support me in my decisions. I won't even ask you to listen to me when I have a thousand stories to tell you. I won't ask you to do anything, not even be by my side forever. Because if I have to ask you, I don't want it anymore.”

You are really over thinking all of this .

I love that quote

I can understand that you would like it if he would say how he feels about you of his own accord sometimes. But as others have said it seems like it’s just not his style. He sounds great in lot’s of other ways. But if this really bothers you, have you asked him to read up on love languages? He might then see that you both have different ways of communicating and this might help things along.
FWIW I’d never heard of love languages until fairly recently on MN, but it does make sense to me!

I'm assuming your dp has said he loves you? Can you remember how you felt before that? And, importantly, did hearing him say it make any difference?
I'm also anxiously attached and struggle with the same thing as you. I'm in a new relationship and we haven't said I love yous, yet, so I'm often checking out how he feels and whether it's the same level as me. I even said, I more than like you, the other day. He just cuddled me in response...! But I'm hopeful that if we get to the next level then that will reassure me for a long time.

I agree with pp, if you're seeking this validation from him then you need to find it internally. It's likely that whatever he does wouldn't be enough otherwise.

I would stop focussing on him: you are the problem here. He sounds like a lovely normal guy and you are being very needy and codependent. Go and get some counselling because you will ruin this relationship before long. He is right in your lack of acceptance... stop analysing and get some analysis and help in letting go.