Don’t know what to do- relationship after divorce

[Digestive29]

Ive name changed for this.
I don’t know what I’m expecting anyone to do but I’m hoping writing it down may clear my head.
Me and my ex divorced 7 yrs ago, I had two children with him(now teenagers) I met someone else and we bought a house together.
When we were dating I wasn’t sure if he was ‘ the one’, but I told myself he was what I needed and it was just because I was scared of being hurt/ older etc... Anyway fast forward and I still feel the same. At the back of my mind I have doubts if I’m happy and that my initial thoughts were probably true. We’re different people with completely different outlooks/opinions etc and I don’t think the spark is there, I feel like I parent alone.
Some days I think maybe we should separate. The problem is I don’t want to hurt him as I know he’ll be devastated if I were to tell him how I feel. And then I’ve got the kids to think of, I don’t want to cause them any further upset after already seeing me and their dad separate.

I don’t know really know what to do.

Hi,
Did writing it out clear your mind?
Maybe consider splitting and being alone for a bit? Theres no guarantee someone else will come along, but you never know?

OP - it’s really up to you. In your place I’d try to understand what you want. Not sure how one would do it - I’d talk to a counsellor to try to untangle what I want from life, if I am depressed, etc. A good one can really help you figure things out.
That said - ‘the One’?

Also - as to parenting alone - it’s not quite fair. Presumably you co-parent with the kids father.

@something2say not really the problem is the thought of splitting is terrifying and I don’t know if I have the courage, nor do I want to hurt anyone. I guess I just want to be happy and I don’t know if I separate will I then be happy or is it a case of the grass being greener.

@MMmomDD Your probably right, I feel so torn and keep going over and over it in my head. One part of me knows this isn’t the right relationship, but the other part keeps saying it could be worse and everyone else is happy and I’m being selfish/over analysing it etc. I guess my use of the word ‘the one’ just means that I don’t feel in love, I feel like I’ve been too practical, as opposed to going on my gut. I keep looking at other relationships and I don’t feel like they do. I feel like I co parent with the kids father but when my children are here I have to split my time between being with them or DP, never all together.

OP - are you in your 40s by any chance? I am only asking because I have observed a lot of my friends getting to that age - and having kids that aren’t little and needing us as parents as much anymore - and feeling the way you do. Like the life is just monotonous. Like they are sort of ambivalent about their relationships. Etc. I think women also have a midlife crisis of sorts where they ask themselves - is that it?

I don’t know what relationships you are comparing yourself with. If those are relationships that people project on social media - that may not necessarily be the reality.
I think over time - the ‘in love’ feeling fades and gets relaxed by another deeper connection. So - the early rush of hormones - which is mostly what the in-love feeling is - can’t be there forever.
I think the good relationships that survive a test of time have a combination of emotional connection/closeness and many practical things too.

So - I do think you may be romanticising how relationships work over time. But, again, leaving is always up to you.

As to how your partner is with your kids - has it always been this way? Does he know it bothers you? Have the kids accepted him or has there always been a distance?
It’s not easy to be a step parent. And certainly not when the kids are teenagers.

Yes I’m in my 40s. I was with exdh for 17yrs before divorcing and have been in this relationship for the past 6 years.
My kids have a good relationship with their dad and therefore when I started dating I didnt want a replacement father for them, instead I wanted someone I was happy with and with whom would enhance mine and the kids lives. Instead I feel that I now have a separate life. I’m a mum and a partner, I don’t feel like a blended family. My Dd doesn’t particularly like Dp, she doesn’t gel with him and he doesn’t really know how to communicate with her either, so they don’t really have much of a relationship. Which I think has made it harder.

I look online at blended families and even my own friends and they all seem to be closer as a blended family with the Dp helping out, treating the kids like their own etc.

Even though Dp has lots of good qualities I don’t think we have much fun together, he’s a quiet reserved person, whereas I’m more attracted to those who make me laugh. I can’t remember a time where he made me belly laugh, although I do feel very loved.
On one hand I feel maybe I’m not happy and maybe I’m trying to look for qualities in someone else to make me happy instead of focussing on myself. And for the sake of the kids and giving them stability I should work on the relationship more. And then on the other hand I feel if the feeling isn’t there am I wasting everyone time. I feel in such a mess with everything