How do I go about cutting off toxic family members when you know you will be slated by the rest of the family?

[trullis]

Just that really. I'm starting to get extremely sick of my auntie and my Nan. They're both extremely toxic and I've put up with it for so many years but I've finally had enough now. They're so invested in my life and feel entitled to know anything and everything about me, DH and children only for the sake of gossiping about it between themselves and to others. I hate the lies and the comments they say to me to put me down whenever something goes well in our life and how they're constantly trying to put me down but about EVERYTHING and are never happy for me. They don't have a nice word to say about anyone and I'm not about that, I can't deal with it. I like a simple life and don't get involved in other people's business but they do and then put it on me. I'm so worried to ever say something because I know the rest of the family will judge me for it and I will be talked about even more plus they will have hurtful things to say to me. Whenever I do say something when they're talking about things I don't like and I stand up for myself, they always turn it around on me and start playing victims. I'm sick of it but I have no idea how to cut them out off our lives or at least minimise contact and distance myself. For the record, I have moved out of my home country and the only person that lives where I am is my auntie while the rest of the family including my Nan are back home. I speak to her via messenger but I actually see my auntie as we both live close(ish) to each other.

You can do one of three things:

1. Carry on as you are
2. Go low contact and grey rock. How are they finding out anything about you? Stop telling them anything.
3. Just block them and deal with the fall out.

Thank you @username501. They're finding out because I either have to tell them(big things like wedding? Pregnancy, etc.) or it's general chit chat where they fish for information basically and I never realised this was what they were doing as they're pretty sneaky about it. The rest of the family also tell them. So if I say something to my mom for example, I think she tells them without realising what they're like...

Yeah you just need to do grey rock? It's not as complicated as you think it is.

Be pleasant, be kind, offer no details, ask them about themselves, talk in detail about the weather, react to nothing. Become the queen of "mmm, yes, that does sound hard, dear me".

If anyone in the family notices and starts to moan at you about how you're treating auntie/nan, just reply with "oh dear, didn't realise X felt that way, thanks for letting me know", and do nothing, and never mention is again.

Rinse and repeat. Eventually auntie and nan die. Job done, you avoided their nastiness and didn't feed the fire and that's it really.

It sounds harsh etc but really that's the extent of it. The rest of your family doesn't need to be "on your side", or approve of you, or anything. You don't need to placate anyone who wishes you would reveal more to auntie and nan, you do not have to solve that problem. You can just make sympathetic non-committal noises and move on with your life.

I think you're right @rvby . It's just so annoying because I've always been a people pleaser so I put up with thejr shit and it's only now that I'm starting to realise that this isn't right nor normal. I think it is also partly my fault because I've always agreed and let myself be a pushover and never did anything about it just for the sake of keeping peace in the family.

In the immediate tell them you have a cough and need to self isolate for 14 days
.
Bliss..

Its not your fault - don't think that, don't be annoyed at yourself for being a people pleaser, just decide to be different going forward. I am very distant from toxic members of my family - when its commented on, I just say things like 'oooh you know me, just awful at keeping in touch' and wave it off. But as above I just don't offer anything personal, and ignore when they try to bait me with stupid questions.

I suspect if you are lifelong people pleaser you will need to 'unlearn' and stop rushing to address other people's needs. But you can do it! Part of it for me, to be frank, is I don't care if some of my family think I am a rude bitch (or whatever they want to call me haha) - the ones I truly love and who love me back know who they are. It took me a long time to get here, but I promise you it is worth it. Therapy helps if you can afford it.

I would be tempted to feed them complete nonsense and let them spread it just do the look stupid. But that's just me .

Tell you them you are training to join the navy. That you are in hospital after being bitten by spider. Maybe weave a few eastenders story lines in for extra fun.

Prob better to just do grey rock and make excuses as to why you can't see them though.

I agree, I've always been like this though. I know that I 100% need to do something about me putting others before me because it's starting to get to me now. I think I will start off by going grey rock and see how that goes and if it doesn't work I shall come back to this thread and look at the other suggestions I like the easterners story lines idea!!