WWYD? Decision time

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My DP and I do not sleep in the same room. It started off as a night here and there when we had a small baby and now he has not slept in the same room as me for a year. There is also no longer any affection. We have had sex maybe three times.

He has refused to go to relationship counselling to talk this through with mediation but he refuses to sleep in the same room as me.

I dont want to live like this anymore, mainly with the lack of affection. My four year old daughter has also started talking about mummy's room and daddy's room and I dont want my children thinking this is normal. I cant move my 1 year old into his own room as I dont have a room to put him!

There was no big argument. Just a decision by him to sleep in another room which has essentially killed our relationship. I'm 31 and I'm not willing to never have sex again or not have a fulfilling relationship! But our children are very small still and financially it will be rough until they start school. Would you leave now or wait?

You need to get to the bottom of why he doesn't want to sleep in the same bed. It might be something as trivial as you fidget (not suggesting you do!) and he wants an uninterrupted sleep. Alternatively, he might want time away from you because he's going on his phone? Could be a number of reasons, but you need to understand why. It's glorious having a bed to oneself to sleep in but this sort of arrangement appears to have a detrimental effect upon committed relationships. Could he not compromise, so that you sleep in the same bed at least one day a week? A 'date' night maybe?

So he's effectively taking up the room your son would otherwise be moving into? How does he justify that?

From what you say - it isn’t just that he sleeps in a separate room but that all affection has ceased and you no longer feel anything for him. Also he refuses to discuss it so there’s no clear way of repairing the damage. It sounds like you no longer wish to try and fix it and for you the relationship is over. I would feel the same.

There’s never going to be a perfect time to leave but, in your shoes, I would leave now. Your young DD is already commenting and it’s important to show her that this isn’t a healthy relationship model.

Given your comment about finances, it sounds like you are an SAHM and didn’t see yourself working until both children are at school. However, perhaps there are ways in which you could manage some part-time work now to get some money coming in.

Make him talk to you about it.

Maybe he wants to split, but doesn't know how to say it?

Thanks for the replies. I am back at work fulltime, I can afford the mortgage and to pay for childcare but I wont be able to afford much else but once kids are both at school, I would have a decent lifestyle.

He wont engage in the conversation about bedrooms. I actually dont know what to do in regards to moving my DS into his own room except to just sell the spare bed but I am pretty sure he would just sleep on the couch.

It is more the affection has just ceased. I am not sure when and how but the relationship has died and he doesnt care enough to do anything about it.

If he won't engage, you are going to have to say 'If you won't engage then I guess we file for divorce'

And do it.

Witholding affection, refusing to talk to you, no more sex - there are your three unreasonable behaviours right there.

It sounds as if he isn't interested any more but doesn't want to lose a cosy home where someone else is looking after his kids and he gets to see them on tap, doing the washing and cooking and general shitwork. If that's the case - BOOT to the arse, out you go!