i think i may be heterosexual, homoromantic

[jinniefromtheblock]

So it hit me yesterday. I've only ever felt romantically attracted to women, but sexually attracted to men. I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years and while I have a deep emotional bond with him I've always felt a romantic connection was lacking.

Looking back on past relationships and friendships, I've come to realise I've only ever been 'in love' with women. I've had several boyfriends in the past but it's a different kind of love. It's more of a best friend who I'm sexually compatible with, whereas with women its a deep, intimate romantic love with little desire to have sex, just kiss and cuddle.

It's making me so guilty and I don't know how to tell my partner without hurting him. I do love him very much and I enjoy sex with him, but not in a romantic way like I can be with women. It's more that I love the comfort, support and friendship he provides and the sexual joy.

Also it feels like I have to choose between a relationship where I'm 'in love' but not having sex, or a relationship where I have more 'friendship feelings' but I enjoy having sex. I'm so confused right now.

What you have with your partner sounds to me like a bog standard romantic relationship after the honeymoon phase has ended (biochemically we have the intense rush for about 18months and then it peters out). It actually sounds like a good solid relationship.

2 things strike me. One, I've met some women who have a longterm sexual partner, but they love the thrill of making new female friends and they will move on making new intense friendships every few years. They sort of fulfil their romance/bonding/oxytocin rush via new female friendships rather than rocking their sexual partnership. Possibly that is how you are?

Secondly, are you actually thinking you may like women sexually as well? And want to explore that.

If it's neither of the above, I think you are just discovering what it is like to be in a longterm relationship!

Maybe you just haven't met the right man yet and are 'making do'.

Maybe you're discovering that few men really are 'romantic' in the poetic sense. Romantic fiction is written for and read by women and is largely a fantasy. Like fairies, girls being besotted by horses etc.

What does the word 'passion' mean to you?

Is it a physical enactment of romance? A combination of sex and romance? More mental than physical and more related to romance? Something else?

Just musing.

Oh and also, do you labour under the romantic (in the sense of fictionally fabricated) notion of an 'other half', 'the one', a 'soul mate' etc?

I'd knock that on the head right away. I suppose it happens sometimes, though suspect that most times people describe it, it's the woman doing so and she's fictionalising her life to match her fantasies.

Most people in relationships recognise that they won't ever find one person who fulfills all their needs. They find someone they love and can live with. Other needs are met through friends, hobbies, study, travel, whatever.

I'm a lesbian and I'm not sure how a romantic (non sexual) relationship with another woman would look different to a close female friendship. Especially in those early stages where you form the bonds of friendship - women can be tactile and create intimacy in friendship that is in no way sexual but may fit into a societal idea of romance. For example, thoughtful gifts, remembering important events, planning friend dates...

For me there is a clear divide between these friendships and my sexual relationships - otherwise every friendship would feel like an emotional affair to my wife.

I agree that you just sound like you are in a long term relationship - and a best friend who you are sexually compatible with sounds a solid basis. You can have the 'romance' of female friendship too. However, if you want to have sex with your female friends then that is something different and enters into the messy area of emotional cheating and misleading your partner and your friend

@Gwynfluff

What you have with your partner sounds to me like a bog standard romantic relationship after the honeymoon phase has ended (biochemically we have the intense rush for about 18months and then it peters out). It actually sounds like a good solid relationship.

2 things strike me. One, I've met some women who have a longterm sexual partner, but they love the thrill of making new female friends and they will move on making new intense friendships every few years. They sort of fulfil their romance/bonding/oxytocin rush via new female friendships rather than rocking their sexual partnership. Possibly that is how you are?

Secondly, are you actually thinking you may like women sexually as well? And want to explore that.

If it's neither of the above, I think you are just discovering what it is like to be in a longterm relationship!

I agree. OP's experience of romantic relationships with men is how I've experienced them.

You've given me some helpful answers and a lot to think about. It seems maybe my expectations of a romantic connection with men are wrong?

Maybe I'm just in need of some close female companions and I'm putting pressure on my boyfriend to provide me with the same kind of intimacy.

Passion to me is when you can feel a spark or connection in the presence of someone without having to say anything. Like you could be in a group of friends but there's this one person you just feel an energy with, like you're both on the same wavelength and you're both full of desire and dreams and exciting things could come of it.

I guess I did feel that with my boyfriend at the beginning, and maybe I'm just looking for it again. Maybe I feel it more so with women because I've never actually dated a woman long-term so it's never got to the comfort stage.

I guess I did feel that with my boyfriend at the beginning, and maybe I'm just looking for it again. Maybe I feel it more so with women because I've never actually dated a woman long-term so it's never got to the comfort stage.

Bingo.

Blame nature for giving us hormones with a shelf life. It's one of the reason why the survival rate for relationships that began as affairs is so depressingly low: hormone rush wears off, women meets new man, woman gets new rush and thinks there must be something wrong with existing beau - that he can't be "the One" - because she doesn't feel that rush with him now and gets it instead with new man. Cue woman leaving partner for new guy because "the heart wants what the heart wants" and "I love you but I'm not in love with you".

Alas, 18 months down the hormone rush caused by New Guy has worn off as well (nb. this works with genders swapped and in same-sex partnerships too).

Unless you fancy being Elizabeth Gilbert and leaving a trail of relationship car crashes in your wake as you hop from partner to partner being your "wild and authentic self", you have to accept 18-ish months is all you get.

Me personally? Its not a problem - I can look back on those times with nostalgia and feel a strong, intimate friendship and sexual compatibility with one person is worth more than having to flit from person to person constantly chasing new butterflies. Plenty of people think differently, mind.

Me too OP. It is a thing.

Dear,
I know this is an old post. I just wanted to say my word since I came upon this post and not because I use mumsnet (I don't), but rather, I'm in the same situation as you are.

It pains me to see other people who are less educated on lgbtq+ topics tell you "you haven't met the right person yet". This is probably said with good intentions but it's only going to cause more confusion and frustration.

The thing is, the idea of sexual and romantic orientation is unfortumatly not commonly understood by the general public. It came from the aro/ace community which in of itself is unpopular.

I would've advised you to seek support on spaces that are dedicated to lgbtq+ matters in particular and has lgbtq+ people in it and taking charge there. That would've been better since in mainstream forums you're more likely to not find the understanding you need. I also would've advised you to speak out if you want to, since experiences like these often go dismissed and overlooked.

I can't advise that now since this post is almost 5 years old and possibly irrelevant today. But I would say that this is a general advice to anyone who feels lost in finding figuring out their own orientation.

I wish you all the best
Leah xx

BlueAvacadoo, I agree. Sexuality and romantic interests don't always line up. While it's new to me, the person I'm interested has essentially explained they're homoromantic but heterosexual.