I don’t know what to do. Split or stay?

[Confusedandgutted]

DH and I got together whilst young and had a baby DS. DH developed an issue with cocaine and ran up a lot of debt. We split up because of it.

A year or so later we got back together after a real concerted effort from DH to show me he had changed and it was no longer a part of his life. While I accepted that, that period of my life left me with a lot of insecurities and worries, mainly around DH going out etc. It was awful, when he’d go out I’d worry and panic that he was taking coke and running up debt and generally taking the piss. But over time he showed me there was nothing to worry about and I relaxed. We got married then had our DD. He’s been a great husband, that time in our life is nothing but a footnote, an interesting anecdote on how people can change and move on.

Fast forward 15 years and I discover he has a small amount of credit card debt that I was unaware of. Approx £1500. Immediately the pit of fear in my stomach gripped me and I asked, not really wanting to know the answer if he had spent that money on coke. And of course the answer came back that some of it he had. Just whilst on nights out, he’d used the credit card so I didn’t ask why he was spending more than expected and he’s so very sorry.

I have to leave him don’t I? I feel sick. I don’t think he’s the same person he was 15+ years ago. But I know that I’m not and I have no desire to feel like that again. I don’t know what to do. I can’t believe he has let me down like this.

Yes. 1500 is a lot to spend on coke. He hasn’t changed his habit has just gone underground. I’m so sorry OP. Not only is he a druggies but a liar.

He's just been hiding his drug use now.

He'll be "so very sorry" EVERY time you catch him out.

I’m devastated. I can’t think straight. I can’t believe he has done this. 20 years of history and he thinks so little of me/us that he’d risk it all for a few nights out.

I don’t need him financially. He can move out and I’ll cope perfectly well financially on my own. But I don’t want to. I want him to not have done this and for everything that happened in the past to have stayed in the past. I feel like I’ve been winded.

@Confusedandgutted

I’m devastated. I can’t think straight. I can’t believe he has done this. 20 years of history and he thinks so little of me/us that he’d risk it all for a few nights out.

I don’t need him financially. He can move out and I’ll cope perfectly well financially on my own. But I don’t want to. I want him to not have done this and for everything that happened in the past to have stayed in the past. I feel like I’ve been winded.

So sorry. This is devastating.

I expect he weighed up the risk of blowing the family apart, and told himself you wouldn't do that, so he was OK to get back onto the coke again.

The question is, was he right or not? Only you know the answer to that.

For me personally, it would be the end. Because his assumption that I'd forgive and forget, despite the issue being such a big and scary one as cocaine use, would break something inside me tbh.

You are likely in shock right now. Do you have anyone you can talk to? Are you in work atm?

I work from home, he is currently working from the kitchen table whilst I’m in my office.

My best Friend is married to his best friend. The majority of our friends are joint friends after the best part of 20 years as a couple.

I don’t think he is in the same place as he was first time round. But I think he could end up back there easily. And I just don’t think I have the energy to go through it all again. Because it compromised so much of me last time and in hindsight I didn’t mind as I thought it had all ended well and we had a great relationship that had weathered a bloody awful storm and come out of it stronger with an understanding of each other.

But it turns out that’s not been the case at all.

Oh gosh. So you can't really talk to your best friend I suppose. Well you may have to eventually but hard right now. Does he take coke with his best friend / might the best friend have been aware?

Might be best to give it some time, lots of long baths with a cup of tea, being alone as much as you can within the house. Reading your posts I'm just sensing overall that you need to give the shock some time to wear off. Can I recommend writing down what you are thinking about as much as you can. It will help you get clarity over time.

It's ok not to want to do it again. I would feel exactly the same. It's very sad though - a very sad thing, and destructive.

What has he said about it? Is he just getting on with things or is he upset etc?

I expect his best friend would be really pissed off with him but also possibly has some vague knowledge of him taking it whilst out thinking it’s a very occasional thing, the odd fifty quid here and there.

It’s the debt. That’s what I can’t get my head around. And the lies.

We have teenagers so have both been very much putting on a facade of normality because the last thing I want is the added layer of complexity of them having an inkling that something is going on before I know what is going to happen. A split would really upset the DC, this isn’t a man who has been a bad father to his children, who hasn’t been present or engaged around the house or any of the other things you read so much about on here. This will be a huge bolt out of the blue to them. I’m not sure they’d understand it. I don’t even know what I would tell them.

We should have the opportunity to talk tonight without them around. I need to know the extent of what we’re talking about. I know it’s no more than this £1500 as I ran a credit check on him. I know. Probably shouldn’t have done that but I had to know if there was an even bigger problem waiting for me.

I just don’t want this to be happening.

You were right to run the check. This is your H and your marriage is a financial contract as well as a romantic/companionate arrangement. You've done nothing wrong.

It is a terrible mess he's got you into here. I'm so sorry. Try to be kind to yourself and just live in the moment for a bit. Remember that even if you make a decision, you can change your mind in a week, in a year. Nothing is final.

What a fucking idiot he is.

Who was he taking it with? Is the best friend involved? He wasn't taking the whole lot on his own, that's for sure.

I’m really sorry, that must be devastating after years of support and forgiveness. Like a complete slap in the face.

I think you have to decide what you will accept before talking to him. If it were me I think the bare minimum that he admits he has a problem and seeks help, commits to going to meetings x times a week etc. As you say if it’s not a big problem now it soon will be. If he dismisses it and says it’s not a big deal then you have your answer I think. But like pps have said it’s entirely up to you- I think it’s more than fair enough if you just decide to end it now

He’s not seeking to minimise. He accepts that a split is on the cards. He’s talked about it in terms of an addiction that was never talked about once we got back together and never really dealt with properly. It’s always been there in the back of his head and sometimes he’s been better at dealing with it than others. He’s been in the midst of a poor time of dealing with it. And I’ve caught him out. And he understands that there’s nothing he can do to make it better.

As the wife of an ex cocaine user I do understand the dread thing, and my DH was clean 3 years before we got together. I have made it very clear that drug use is a deal breaker...and I mean it and he knows it. He regularly talks about the addiction-he says you never really get over it-you just choose not to take the drug.

Question you have to ask yourself is is it a dealbreaker for you?

I don’t know.

Thank you for all the kind comments yesterday. My mind is still all over the place. We talked until late in the night. He says he hasn’t taken any in over 6 weeks and has cancelled the credit card he would withdraw money on after transferring the balance to a different card I was aware of. He has contacted his GP and been prescribed sertraline for what the GP suggested was anxiety, he appears to have been taking steps to deal with this before I found out. This is different from last time when his first line of defence was denial or attack. He is accepting responsibility and knows this might be the end for us.

I just don’t want to be made a fool of.

Personally, over 15 years of marriage, it seems a shame to throw it away over a mistake. I appreciate he said he would change etc but you also knew his past.

I would call this the final warning. If it happens again, he knew the consequences but I think a marriage can survive it. X

I agree with the above, hope things went ok x