Guilty about staying over

[Willowmartha1]

The guy I have been seeing has asked my to stay over on Saturday night. I have an 8 year old dd with suspected ASD and feel terribly guilty about leaving her with her dad for the night. I've done it around six times in the past for different reasons but this is the first man I have met in 8 years. I really want to go but feel so awfully guilty. Aibu??

You need to tell us more but on the face of it there is no earthly reason why you should feel guilty about leaving an 8 year old with her own father overnight? It sounds be a commonplace. One way or another you certainly deserve some evenings and nights of your own, whether it's to spend with a man or just relaxing, reading, hobby etc.

Sounds fine to me. You're allowed to have your own life you know, not just be Mum.

@pog100 Because of the ASD I guess she gets very upset if I even go out for the evening which I have been doing a bit more of lately, when I get home she is still awake and her dad says she has been asking when you will be home. The thought of him telling her I won't be home that night makes me panic ! When I have stayed away from home previously she has been a lot younger and seemed to cope better.

I have asd so I can relate to her feelings.

I also have a neuro diverse child and he found me being away for any length of time (even to hang the washing out) very stressful. Even when he could watch me out of the window.

What I did with him was manage it carefully and built it up little and often until the idea of me not always being there was normal.

Ideally, I wouldn't be leaving her dad to tell her, I'd explain to her beforehand that she will be having a sleepover. It will heighten her anxiety to have it dropped on her when you are not around to reassure her and might mean her anxiety is heightened in future if you not coming back and having it just 'dumped' on her becomes a fear. Reassurance and certainty is the way to go.

Don't mention why she is having a sleepover with her dad. Just help her see the positives.

He also needs to make sure it is a nice, fun, engaging experience for her so she has less time to miss you.

She can do it - she's done it before. Ideally, you would have built it up from then but it can be done.

@HalcyonDaysOfSummer her dad isn't the most exciting and he has looked after a lot over the holidays so she is probably sick of the sight of him !!

her dad isn't the most exciting and he has looked after a lot over the holidays so she is probably sick of the sight of him !

That's not a solution!

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but that makes it sound a little like you're finding reasons to avoid doing it. If this is the first an you've dated in 8 years, is there a chance you're hiding behind your daughter to avoiding taking that next step?

Because, if she's spent a lot of time with him over the holiday, the chances are that she will take to it more easily than you think because she'll be more used to him and spending time with him.

@HalcyonDaysOfSummer I'm just anxious about leaving her when she is quite clingy (worse since lockdown) but her dad is adamant that I go as he feels she needs to get used to me not always being around.

Why can't you tell her her before you drop her at her dad's what the plans are? If she does have ASD then she needs too know in advance what is happening, it's the bombshell that's being dropped on her at the last minute about you not coming home that's causing the upset. Kids with ASD don't like unexpected surprises weather it's a good or bad surprise. Just let her know a few days in advance so she can get her head around it. You are entitled to your own life as another poster has said.

@walksonthebeach yes I will her dad always has her at our house as she has all her things around her. I have no intention of dropping the bombshell to her on Saturday night I'll pre warn her well in advance!

[quote Willowmartha1]@pog100 Because of the ASD I guess she gets very upset if I even go out for the evening which I have been doing a bit more of lately, when I get home she is still awake and her dad says she has been asking when you will be home. The thought of him telling her I won't be home that night makes me panic ! When I have stayed away from home previously she has been a lot younger and seemed to cope better. [/quote]
Sorry when I said about dropping the bombshell I was referring to this. I thought you were leaving it up to her dad to let her know you wouldn't be home when you were already gone.