Crippling debt, crippling relationship, offered a way out but at a cost

[nonicks]

I really need to get this off my chest and I know what I’m going to write is wrong on every level but I’m truly desperate.

I’m in debt, around 25k. I take responsibility as everything is in my name but it’s not all my debt but legally it’s mine.

I had a failed marriage but have got 2 lovely teenagers. I made a lot of mistakes afterwards, physically and emotional abusive relationship which shocked me to the core, then another emotional abusive relationship. I never lived with these men and my children never saw the abuse.

I’ve tried to be strong, I met someone who I do love, he has hurt me physically but I’ve made it clear that I won’t tolerate it so he’s not done it for a while. I’ve also been under the crisis team.

I have a male friend who is older than me. I got upset earlier and opened up to him. I told him I was going through Step Change. Thing is I’m renting privately and have fallen behind by about £2,200. I am paying the debt back each month over my rent but it’s not really making a dent. I’ve been told the council will house me if my arrears are paid off.

He said to me that in a few months he can lend me the money to pay off the rent arrears and I could pay him back whenever, which I said I couldn’t do that. He then said I could pay him back in kind??!!

I’m absolutely ashamed that someone thought I would ever do that.

I would pay him back but not in the way he obviously wants.

I just want to be able to be independent but mentally I’m not there, genuinely I’m not. I’m lost, I’m scared and I just cannot see a way out of this. I feel like I can’t ever provide properly for my children.

I’m sorry that this is so long.

He is not a friend.

He's not a friend and your partner is not a good partner. Stop letting men fuck up your life. You're in debt because of men, you've had several abusive relationships and you're in one now and you're having a 'friendship' with a man who treats you like a prostitute. Spend your energy on your daughters, yourself and your female friends. Your judgement with men is lacking.
You can get debt advice from step change or Christians against poverty or similar. Do that, and block the 'friend' and the abusive partner.

This man is no friend of yours and is yet another predatory abusive type. Love your own self for a change OP, you do not need a man here to at all validate you.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What sort of an example were you shown?. Your boundaries are not good and you've basically gone from one abusive relationship into another ( a scenario not all that uncommon sadly). Your children may not have seen the abuse directly but they have certainly seen your reactions, both spoken and unspoken, to it. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Keep working with Stepchange.

I would also suggest you enrol yourself asap onto Womens Aid's Freedom Programme and also now contact them directly. An emotional investment in you is certainly worth doing.

You really need to stop with men until you've done a ton of work on your boundaries and self-worth. Your shark cage is busted and your blood is on the water. www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

Men aren't the answer.

Mr Punter here is no friend and just how long do you think a debt that would be? Horrible little man.

Try the freedom programme and keep working with Stepchange.

Thank you everyone, I knew it but sometimes it takes people not involved to give a clearer picture.

I won’t accept any money, I didn’t want to anyway.

Wondering where to go from here. I’m going to look up The Freedom Programme and start taking control of my life.

Thank you all so much xx

The rent is a priority debt. I dont know what your other debt is for but if its unsecured credit they can wait, pay off your rent arrears first to make sure you have a roof over your head.
Try the MSE debt free wannabe web site for more advice as a DMP might not be the best solution. I had twice the debt you had but got it sorted so try nor to worry

I think you are doing really well to be posting here. There is a lot of shame involved potentially in this stuff and you have at least made a start to facing your issues.

A few things.

I had a messy divorce - got hold of a book over lock down called 'Being better with Money'. It covers everything from debt to pensions.

Yes, to prioritising priority debts.

Which are rent, council tax,

Next look at cutting down. Cheap broadband deal (you may well be able to ditch the tv license as teenagers can do internet) I have post office broadband for around 30 quid a month with a landline.

Go through everything you are paying for and cancel what you can. Things that you have inadvertently signed up for amazon prime, what not.

Yes, make moneysavingexpert your friend. The website I mean, whatever you are trying to save on, you can find info there.

Good news that council said they could house you. Secure tenancy is good idea, but don't mess it up again by not prioritising the rent.

Plenty of people are having to go along this route now especially with furloughing and covid. Difficult now, but you will recover your credit rating in a few years and can start again.

Also, one tip to rebuild is to check out your local credit union. Low rates of interest in case you need to replace a washign machine etc. They won't loan you a vast amount but are upfront about dealing with people on a low income.

Finally look after your mental health. Praise yourself for everything you do towards improving your situation. I have got an A4 notebook to sort finances etc and if I start to get down I write down everythign I've already done that day and pat myself on the back.

It is tempting to want to lean on a bloke for a shoulder to cry on, and being a lone parent is hard. But it is way better than getting mixed up with an abusive turd. I know, easier said than done, but every day will be better without him for you and your kids.

good luck