I haven’t posted a personal dilemma before. Longtime lurker and I read posts with interests as MNetters do give quite a range of views, although the occasional pile ons can be alarming.
This will be quite long but it’s complicated ! So I moved continents over 2 years ago - Brexit, redundancy and an urge to have a completely different lifestyle combined. My oldest female friend had relocated with her partner to this city the year previously, and after I visited she encouraged me to make the leap and has been incredibly helpful in getting me set up, I couldn’t have managed without her. Or I could have, but it would have been much harder. And it has been great to have my “glimmer twin” by my side, she has lived abroad for years so have only seen her when she got over to the UK for work.
Her relationship with current partner (6 years) has always been volatile, to put it mildly. I have witnessed countless ghastly meltdowns, and when she lived in the States often had the gasping, hysterical phone calls as yet another row unfolded. I would say he is a narc, insecure and entitled. But she was crazy about him from the get go. I have been happily single for a long time now btw, I wouldn’t say I am an expert on relationships, but I know for a fact I wouldn’t have put up with a fraction of the grief they inflict on each other.
So last Sunday we get to go to a little place which has recently reopened after lockdown, a nice space, open air, great little outing. I was so excited ! When we visit the loo together she confides that she has a crush on someone she has met doing fundraising for the homeless and hungry in the city. My response was, crushes are great but whatever you DO NOT act on it. Giggle etc. There was a huge storm / downpour so we couldn’t leave for some time after lunch, cue more wine, her partner went on to whiskey. I was home by 8 pm, picked up a parcel from theirs and carried on in the same cab, the last thing I remember saying to her (he had gone inside) was DO NOT act on it. Giggle.
Fast forward to 5 30 am Mon, I moved a cat off my feet as I had cramp and noticed my phone screen had lit up. I wish I hadn’t looked. Anyway there was a stream of furious messages from her partner, who had found her WhatsApp conversation with her ‘crush’. They have obviously been texting for a while, at least 2 weeks, she had been furtively sending him messages throughout the whole of Sunday afternoon. And he thought I was in on it ! Plus she had told him that I hated him, and he was cut to the quick, as he felt we had our own thing between us which was outside of her being my friend sorta thing, which is true ! I couldn’t have been in their close orbit, I lived with them for a few months, without finding some way of connecting to the guy she lives with. Although I despised the way he could treat her, she is by no means an easy ride herself. They have had incredible meltdowns in front of all their/our friends (always alcohol involved) and some people just refuse to see them together, one couple have even banned them outright.
At 8 30 she called me sobbing and gasping and begging me to come over. 15 min walk. I could hear him shouting in the background and he had thrown a lot of her stuff in their pool. I didn’t go, I turned my phone off. When we spoke later she had calmed down and was out of the house walking the dog. I was angry with her because I felt I had been played as well, she hadn’t been honest about the ‘crush’ (her partner sent me a screen shot of their long conversations) and also weaponised me to hurt him, saying I hated him was untrue and unfair.
I said she could come to my place any time but I was not going to go to their house.
Since then she has cut me dead, she won’t see me or return calls. She texted she will be in touch when she feels ready. Other friends that know them have told me to stay well out of it, which I do agree with, although I am worried about her. I was so anxious on Mon I couldn’t keep my breakfast down, it’s a long time since that has happened. But the ugly spiteful drama just turns my blood cold.
She is also financially dependent on him, which is definitely not helping and this is really not a good time to be looking for work, the city is in a deep recession like many other places, opportunities are very scarce especially as the tourist industry has stopped dead in its tracks.
I know this is out of my hands now, I definitely think that going in the middle of their row would have been a bad move, but we have always ‘been there’ for each other and this is very hurtful at the moment.
So I guess I am just looking for some positive input or possible outcomes. I mean, she literally cannot leave him !! But there is a big red line drawn in the sand as far as I am concerned.
And thank you for getting this far. I will be checking in.