Not had sex with husband for five years

[nooneknowshowifeel]

I do not know where to start but I just need to tell someone.

I have been married for ten years. Happy marriage. We do not have a physical relationship and have not since the birth of our daughter six years ago.

I have no sexual feelings towards him, or towards anyone.

I have not spoken to anyone about this as I am simply too embarrassed and ashamed.

We do not talk about it, however on occasions he will try to initiate it and I feel awful but I never reciprocate his advances.

He is a good husband and father, probably the most respectful and kind man I have ever had a relationship with.

I cannot name any faults he has and he is a very hands on father.

I could live the rest of my days this way though and that makes me sad.

There is little affection on a day to day basis, he does try but I just don't feel anything physically towards him.

All previous relationships I had a healthy sex drive, in fact a high sex drive in one relationship so why do I feel this way?

I am early forties and do not think I am peri menopausal. I do not use any contraceptive so no issues with hormonal interference.

Am I really abnormal?

Please do not tell me to leave as that is not what I want.

It’s never too late👍🏼

You clearly love your husband, and I understand how you feel. Sometimes the everyday life of working, looking after children and the same routine can interfere with intimacy. I’d suggest going to the GP to see if they have any advice/anything to help. I feel for you husband OP I really do. You say he’s a lovely man which is exactly why you need to at least try and sort this out ASAP! Like pp have said most men would’ve left or had an affair by now! I’d also suggest taking a weekend break somewhere just the two of you where you can try and rekindle your marriage. X

You really need to talk about this because DH is obviously missing the physical aspect of your relationship more than you are.

"I feel for you husband OP I really do. You say he’s a lovely man which is exactly why you need to at least try and sort this out ASAP! Like pp have said most men would’ve left or had an affair by now! I’d also suggest taking a weekend break somewhere just the two of you where you can try and rekindle your marriage."

This.

Just an update for anyone that has commented.

We had sex!

On Friday and Saturday night, I initiated it and it was good.

It was so good being close and intimate and I really feel invested in my marriage again.

Thank you for the support when I needed it, I think I needed a push to choose to work at things.

This is a fantastic update OP, and not just because you had sex, but everything the (lack of) sex represented. I’m glad you went back for more too 😂

Thank you. I feel
So much happier and relaxed, it feels like we have reconnected and I have remembered why I married him!

Whoop! Hope you both have lots of fun 'getting to know' each other again!

Oh op brilliant!
I’m a bit like, the less we do it the less I want it. My dh and I didn’t have sex for 13months but have managed to turn things round this past year and we actually seem very well matched now. Like you I just had to bite the bullet and do it and I think I’d forgot how happy and connected to him it made me feel.

OP, don't listen to posters who are determined for your marriage to break up. You've been through a lot and women in our society are always made to feel that we "owe" sex to men and we should be having all these high sex drives in order to provide it like a vending machine.

Sex is an important part of marriage and it also has an emotional component too. It's vital to have open communication with your husband and be honest that issues perhaps with miscarriages, pregnancy etc has meant you're struggling with it but you still love him and find him attractive and want to work on intimacy together. Like others have suggested take steps around going to your GP for tests, counselling etc. I really think you'd benefit from counselling as there are likely emotional issues that are affecting your desire for sex and it's important to take the time to acknowledge and work through them, ensuring you keep your husband as part of your journey. There's also baby loss charities which you may find helpful and will provide support

@nooneknowshowifeel

Just an update for anyone that has commented.

We had sex!

On Friday and Saturday night, I initiated it and it was good.

It was so good being close and intimate and I really feel invested in my marriage again.

Thank you for the support when I needed it, I think I needed a push to choose to work at things.

Just seen this. What a lovely update, just shows how working on things can really bear fruit. Keep going OP

@LilyWater

OP, don't listen to posters who are determined for your marriage to break up.

Haven't thought about that, but it does seem to be something that's common online. A lot of marital problems are meant with a 'dump him!!' 'leave the bastard' 'I'd be out the door!' 'You'll be so much happier on your own'. Sometimes it's difficult to tell how much of it is personal projection instead genuine advice, or a wish to break up as many couples as possible because they're single and bitter and want more company!! It's almost a delight in causing chaos and breaking potentially salvageable couples up for some kind of twisted kick or revenge.

@Wondersense yes absolutely all single women are bitter twisted and seeking revenge.

Stop being such a disgusting misogynist.

@Fallowdeerhunter

Except I'm a feminist, and many would say I'm a radical one. You made that comment because you don't know me in 'real life', as they say. You would soon find how erroneous you were with that insult if you did.

You can check my posts on Woman's Rights forum, and actually, you can read my past posts on here how how supportive I am of women, online when I can. I suspect that you won't because you will want to stick to your initial assertion and not admit that you are wrong.

You got so defensive that you didn't even read what I wrote properly. I never said that these posters were exclusively women. The majority of posters on here are women, yes, but what I was referring to was a certain personality feature that is not exclusive to one sex. Hence, if you read my post again you will see that I did not say the word 'woman' or 'single women' once in it. If I had meant that, I would have written it.

Some people, because they are not happy with their own lives, wish to see others in the same situation as they are. If unhappy means being single to them, they will advise other to break up, even if it's not always the best thing for that person. It doesn't have to be gendered or even about relationships. It's about malevolent motivations and some people are unaware of what really drives them to say certain things to others.

The advice it usually short and without much thought with an encouragement to discard another human being as if they were waste (BIN HIM!!!! is a popular one). In some cases, you can see why the situation created such a strong, but in others, it seems like it's something that poster must says to everyone having relationship difficulties. Sometimes, instead of seeing the situation from afresh, they will project their own hatred of their ex-partner onto someone else's problem and advise them to behave in ways they never got to do in their own life.

I see it a lot of forums that are very mixed sex - not just here. Have you ever heard of the phrase 'misery loves company'? Or perhaps schadenfreuder?

You’ve posted on a forum which is majority women. Are you seriously trying to assert that you meant equal amounts of ‘bitter, twisted’ men are coming on here and encouraging women to ‘leave him’. Plus, ‘bitter and twisted’ like ‘hysterical’ or ‘feisty’ is an insult pretty much reserved from women.

You’re right, of course I won’t trawl Mumsnet for your other posts that ‘prove’ you’re a feminist. A. Because I have no time or interest but B. Duck test....

[quote Wondersense]@LilyWater

OP, don't listen to posters who are determined for your marriage to break up.

Haven't thought about that, but it does seem to be something that's common online. A lot of marital problems are meant with a 'dump him!!' 'leave the bastard' 'I'd be out the door!' 'You'll be so much happier on your own'. Sometimes it's difficult to tell how much of it is personal projection instead genuine advice, or a wish to break up as many couples as possible because they're single and bitter and want more company!! It's almost a delight in causing chaos and breaking potentially salvageable couples up for some kind of twisted kick or revenge.[/quote]
Agree so much with this. Of course there are many on here where splitting is the most safe thing to do, but I've been genuinely shocked by how many cry LTB/break up your children's home over any issue - how do they suppose anyone maintains a marriage with natural ups, downs and periods of stagnation?? It's no wonder divorce rates are through the roof in this country.

@LilyWater actually they’re at the lowest rate they’ve been for years.....