Toxic grandmother - what should I do? (long, sorry)

[Moorhen]

Toxic grandmother (hereafter known as TGM) and my lovely mum have just had huge row - TGM was carrying on in her usual racist, spiteful moaning way (you have to hear it to believe it, it's the most soul-destroying thing ever) and mum plucked up the courage to tell her that her attitude is why people don't phone her and want to be around her. Also that she was an abusive and lousy parent and is lucky that mum does anything for her.

TGM wouldn't have it. Also complained that grandchildren should ring more (this is about me). Is true I don't ring, but would you want to call someone who greeted the news of your first pregnancy and her first great-grandchild with OH NO and went on about what a disaster it was for ten mins (am 30 with lovely DH and good job, so this was in no way a cause for concern). She's always like this - told mum to abort every one of her three much-wanted children. I could go on.

She is a sociopath. But a sociopath of 91.

What do I do? I want to support my mum who isn't speaking to her. I don't especially want to speak to her myself. I know it's too late to retrain her.

But she won't last much longer and I also don't want to feel guilty when she goes.

I know what the right thing is really, I guess. But it makes me so depressed...

Maybe your mum could read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. It arrived in the post for me a couple of days ago, so I haven't read it yet. From the blurb it looks like setting yourself free of the tyrant parent is an essential process.

I would definitely recommend the bok mentioned. I have read it 3 times, and it has been invaluable in freeing me from my mother. It doesn't matter if the toxic parent will never change (I don't believe mine will) - it is about freeing yourself so that you no longer react in the same way. There is a chapter specifically for people who are worried about elderly or infirm parents.

another shout for Toxic parent book here, im almost through reading it and it has opened my eyes so much and freed me from a lot of self doubt and out of my mums control.

Im not sure what i would do about your GM. maybe dont fall out with her, but keep your distance, that way, you arnt enemies and havnt fallen out, but you dont need to listen to any of the nasty things she says. i would support your mum, but if ou are worried about feeling guilty, dont fall out with your GM, just keep your distance.

Oh dear,we had a similar situation with my gran.I have no advice really,but can only say,do what is best for your children.My gran used to tell me outright lies about my mum & dad & used emotional blackmail on the whole family,with my poor mum bearing the brunt of it.

Because of this I swore that if I had children,no way was she doing the same to them.Luckily,by the time DD1 was born,Gran was not in a fit state to recognise anyone any more.I took DD1 to see her before she died & we have 1 photo of them together,just in case DD1 ever asks about her great Gran.But had she not died,I would have kept visits to the bare minimum,so she couldn't poison any more lives than she already had.

I don't feel guilty now she's dead.At all.