is this an irrational worry or genuine barrier to finding love?

[JellyfishAr]

I’m mid/late thirties now and suffice to say life has broken me a bit the last few years. Pregnancy loss, awful relationship breakdown, huge financial crisis (now resolved luckily) which meant I had to move home. I’ve moved again since and I’m happy mostly. But feel battered with life, even two years on, in the sense that I feel I’ve had to deal with a lot? I know many people do of course.

But I look back to dating at say 25, free of these bigger life struggles that I’ve since faced, and I was a much more bubbly, carefree, less cyclical version of who I am now. what’s happened to me will always be a sad few years of my life full of struggle, and I’m ok now but it has marked me in a way.

I guess my question is unless I can get that carefree 20 year attitude, is my chance of love gone? For context I do date and it’s mostly nice (only been doing in a few weeks!), but it’s made me panic a bit about the fact that I have this past that’s been rather sad, and makes me a different version to who I was years ago, simply because it has happened. Not sure if I am making sense really!

Worrying about whether my knowledge now of how dark life CAN be (not all the time and I love having a laugh still!), is going to be some sort of block to finding love again. God this sounds badly explained!!

*carefree 20 year old attitude!

If it makes you feel better, I never had those carefree years - I had a shitty childhood and PTSD and have had depression since I was 17. I have been homeless, suffered multiple abusive relationships and have almost no contact with most of my family.

But I still found love. My husband is perfect. He is kind, caring, responsible and even though I am down a lot of the time, he still loves me.

Love isn't just for happy people.

dancing that is lovely. It must be wonderful to have someone like that in your life!

Look at it another way, OP, you’re youthful naivety problems resulted in you being taken advantage off. I’m sorry you’ve been through such a terrible time and I’m glad things are improving for you. I look at my, sometimes genuinely heartbreaking past and went through a few years of serious mental health problems because of things that happened to me. At this stage, 52, I realise that I’m now much stronger and less likely to accept shitty treatment from others. It’s actually very liberating. Though as a widow to a wonderful man, I’ve no interest in having another relationship, so that is a big difference.

You’re only young and you’ve your whole life ahead of you. You could end up with the most amazing man. Even the cynical old feminist like me, knows there are some. I was married to one of the best.

*your

@JellyfishAr

It is but it's hard because I know he would probably be happier with someone else

lillian thank you. I don’t feel all that young and would love to meet someone special to me and me to them. I hate that these last few years hurt me so badly and changed me but perhaps there’s some truth in me taking that forward in a positive way.

dancing he loves you though, so doubtful he would be happier elsewhere x

I hear you op.

Fwiw, in my experience my youthful naiveté and enthusiasm made me very vulnerable to dreadful relationships.

Once I'd ruined my life, which in itself taught me a lot of empathy and skills in forgiveness while still holding boundaries, etc, I was much more attractive to decent men who had their heads screwed on. I've been with one of those for several years now.

You and I are similar ages and I do think that even if you've got through life relatively unscathed, at this age you do start to "see through a glass darkly", as it were. It isnt abnormal at all. Its just impolite to broadcast it because one tries not to depress others!!

rvby that makes a lot of sense! Yes perhaps when older even if you’ve not experienced things yourself then you know and hear of traumas. I just hope love is still possible.