Anyone else got a quiet, almost shut down husband who doesn’t converse much/ listen?

[Callardandbowser]

Because I have and it’s gone from infuriating me to maki g me just feel really invisible and alone.
Any time we have just a family day where we’re all together in the house (DSD 13, DD3) he makes any excuse to just have a lie down, go on his computer, go on his phone, be lethargic.
He won’t engage in conversation, just looks at his screen. DD was trying to show him something earlier and he was so absorbed in his screen that he didn’t even look up.
It saddens me. He’ll take DD for a great play if I ask but won’t play with her with me there so we’re a together.

Sounds like he's opted out of family life to be honest.

What is he like around his own family/friends/colleagues?

I’m the now grown up DD in this scenario. Serious problems with men due to being ignored for most of my life by my Dad. He’s in his 70s now and has never changed, only got more detached. He treats my Mum terribly, with cold indifference. He doesn’t care that he’s so detached. He’s even this way about serious family illness. Barely looked up over results regarding possible cancer.

I wish my Mum had divorced him when I was little. I’d advise mediation of some sort. It’s not ok to be this sort of husband and father.

My dh is a very quiet man. Conversations can be really hard and frustrating. I often think he is not listening and he often won't respond which makes me keep repeating what I said over and over and I hate it. We never have deep and meaningful conversations.

Thing is it's not because he is disinterested, he does know lots about me and asks how I am everyday. His dad is exactly the same. They only speak when absolutely necessary and are deep thinkers.
What I will say however is that he is a fantastic father, he talks to our dc, plays with them, knows them and is interested in what they say. He will respond to them and is hardly ever on his phone. He does not lie down or go do his own thing, he plays with the dc more than me and I wouldn't be with him if he didn't act like this towards them to be honest.

I do find the lack of conversation hard but in your position op I couldn't put up with it. Sounds like your dh isn't just an introverted quiet person but is rather selfish and a crap father.

Thanks for your replies.
He is a great dad with DD when he’s playing, he’s got amazing ideas and is warm, gentle and tuned in. But on days like today he is shit down and negative. He seemed to want either me or him to be with DD but not all 3 of us together and when we were he just went on his phone.
I feel so invisible and ignored around him. My dad (who brought me up alone) was often pre-occupied and it kills me to think I’ve got the same scenario with my husband.
I spoke to him about it and he just said he did want to spend time asa a family today and that he did Play with DD loads.
He wants to throw facts around rather than acknowledge how I feel when he doesn’t talk, listen or respond to me all day. I feel sad about it.
He just said that we don’t understand each other’s dreams has now walked off.

Sounds to me like he's very much an introvert and he gets overstimulated easily. He needs to read, be on his phone, listen to music, not talk or go do something alone to recharge. I can relate to that, but living with someone who is more on the extreme end is really hard. I'm not sure if anything can be done about it.

Loads of men are like this. Look up normative male alexithymia.

He won't change, this is one of those "decide if you can live with it and then act accordingly" ones

You sound very kind and your husband selfish. Try turning off the WiFi and when he sulks, grey rock. All that nonsense about dreams is to guilt you into letting him swan about self indulgently doing EF all. You don't need to he confrontation but you may like to try not doing less for him to match how little he does for you.

Thank you, I’ll check that condition out, sounds very interesting.
DH and I had a long chat/ argument / chat into the night and he apologised for yesterday and did not engaging with me.
I suggested marriage counselling because our ‘chats‘ always end up with us fighting/getting angry.
We went to sleep hugging and he’s been really nice today so far. We’ve agreed not to be on our phones when we’re with the kids or each other (I’m currently a soft play with DD)

How did he react to your suggestion of marriage counselling?. I would suggest counselling but on your own, not with him present. You need to be able to talk freely in a calm and safe environment.

Look at what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up too and discuss that with the therapist. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and it appears you've got with another version of your own preoccupied and otherwise emotionally unavailable father. You would not want your children as adults to be in such a relationship.

How does he get along with your eldest daughter?.

Thanks Atilla. Both he and I attend separate therapists because we’ve both had ‘interesting’ childhoods with themes of rejection and unsafety so we are aware.
I think the main problem is that all of his energy goes on the kids and his own solitude which he needs and I am living on absolute scraps. I’m now starving for affection and attention which feels like a precarious place for our rl to be.

As soon as I said I wanted to attend marriage counselling he instantly stopped being gas lighty and was more constructive.
I think he would worry that it would be witnessed how he goes into our discussions (with a view to outwit me and ‘win’ rather than become closer).