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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To not be very forgiving

47 replies

KerryAnnexoxo · 22/08/2020 18:52

Long time lurker, first time poster. Really struggling atm, three months ago I found sexual texts on my partners phone and plans to meet someone else I confronted him and he said he never went ahead with his plans to meet and did it because I wasn't showing him enough attention, I then found more to her and others a couple weeks after this, I rang one of them who said they had been sleeping together. I kicked him out and was on my own with four kids, one being newborn so decided to try and sort things out with him. The more I dwell on it the more annoyed I am that his excuse is because I couldn't give him attention when I'd just given birth and was homeschooling the other children. I don't know if this will help typing this out but right now I feel very alone.

OP posts:

ChaToilLeam · 23/08/2020 09:58

He doesn’t deserve your forgiveness.

VivaMiltonKeynes · 23/08/2020 10:03

He's an abusive arsehole . You should be more than "annoyed".

Muser314 · 23/08/2020 10:07

The fact that he even thought about it is bad enough. It's splitting hairs to dig in to whether or not he went ahead and met her because he planned to, he talked about it... what's the difference when the first is so bad.

Muser314 · 23/08/2020 10:10

@LannieDuck

Basically he cheated on you when you'd just had his baby... and then tried to blame you for it.

This.

That is not a man you want in your life. Get rid of him.

You will be better off. I'm a single parent and have been since DC2 was 14 months old. It was hard but it was still easier than living with an arsehole and feeling shit, scared, stress, inadequate.

TheSecondMrsAshwell · 23/08/2020 10:13

He's taking the piss, she's taking the piss.

Tell him to piss off.

user1493413286 · 23/08/2020 10:13

There is never any excuse and him blaming you is awful. He needs to accept its on him if you’re going to be able to move forward.

Bunnymumy · 23/08/2020 10:23

You know you have every right to just say 'I tried to forgive you but I just can't so let's go our separate ways'. You don't have any obligation to forgive a lying, cheating rat. I

I'd be curious what he did to be deserving of that forgiveness, if anything, anyway. You shouldn't forgive people who hurt you and dont give a shit. Nor should the children see a mother being treated badly and being ok with it.

SoulofanAggron · 23/08/2020 10:36

Hopefully its just one off behaviour

I wouldn't see what OP knows so far as a one-off, as he was messaging etc several different women.

I've become so paranoid

You're not paranoid, paranoia is irrational. Not trusting him after what he's done is completely rational.

category12 · 23/08/2020 10:46

Basically the pair of them are now gaslighting you, which is shitty and spiteful.

He's back to his old ways with the phone in nothing flat.

Taking him back was a mistake, but you can rectify it if you're ready to.

It must be hard on your own with four - do you have any supportive family nearby?

MrsSSG · 23/08/2020 11:04

Ew he sounds absolutely vile! You can't live like that!

Every time this overgrown toddler can't get enough attention, he can swan off with other women?! Why doesn't he help you instead? Support you? What happens when the baby is teething? Or the kids are ill? If you're ill and can't keep up with his demands?

This is no way to live. What a scumbag.

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 23/08/2020 11:15

When I had a toddler and a newborn DH told me cheerfully it was my job to look after the babies and his job to look after me. That's what a decent man does.

This man shows you no loyalty, he blamed you for his cheating, and he's almost certainly cheating on you now. I can't see anything ahead of you than heartbreak if you stay with him.

It will be hard with 4 DC on your own but I think you should weigh up how much harder it will be tied to a man who doesn't love or respect you. At least if you're on your own the only way is up and you have peace of mind.

johnd2 · 23/08/2020 11:19

Sounds awful, it's fine and normal for him to feel all sorts of difficult emotions when a new child is born, but what is not fine is to be unsupportive and what is really not fine is to destroy things. The worst thing is blaming you, he doesn't sound very emotionally mature if he somehow thinks it's your fault.

johnd2 · 23/08/2020 11:22

@prawnofthepatriarchy
"When I had a toddler and a newborn DH told me cheerfully it was my job to look after the babies and his job to look after me. That's what a decent man does"
Off topic, but not really, he should see it as just add much his job to look after the kids as it is your job. Of course if that suits you then fine, but it's not really universally what decent men do.

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 23/08/2020 11:53

He took care of all three of us but recognised that breastfeeding wasn't really his thing, plus I had had a CS so was pretty disabled.

LilyLongJohn · 23/08/2020 12:08

It sounds like he has zero respect for you, he's cheated either emotionally and/or physically, he's lied to you and he's now trying to gaslight you.

There is absolutely no reason for someone to cheat, if he was unhappy about the lack of affection or attention he should have sat down with you and discussed it or left.

Original poster

KerryAnnexoxo · 23/08/2020 15:14

I don't have much of a support network and feel stuck where I live as I don't drive. He has also said if I can't 'get over it' he will take items from the house he has paid for and will use messages I have sent him where I've felt down and a recording where I've been angry with him against me to show I'm an unfit mother.

OP posts:

Bunnymumy · 23/08/2020 15:24

For what ends? If he could prove you were an unfit mother, he would have to have the kids most of the time. Do you really think he would want that? If course not!

They are empty threats. And the typical abuser threat too.

And as they are threats none the less, I would keep note of them with a solicitor (ideally, your divorce solicitor). I'm not sure but I believe these threats would also fall under 'coercive control' which is illegal.

Ad for those items... you could set up a PayPal and sell them. He cant take them if they aren't there xD or just let him have them. Small price to pay to get rid of the fecker.

He is an abusive shit op. Get rid of him.

johnd2 · 23/08/2020 15:26

Fair point @PrawnofthePatriarchy and as long as you and your partner feel supported that's the most important thing.
I just wanted to clarify for the thread that it's also the father's job to look after the children, breastfeeding itself aside.

updownroundandround · 23/08/2020 16:23

You do not deserve this. He is responsible for his actions.

Nothing you did or didn't do made him deliberately find, flirt with and fuck some random females.

HE decided that getting his rocks off was MORE important to him than his wife and family.

HE decided to lie to you about it and to put his whole family at risk of getting Covid, just so he could get his jollies.

HE is trying to make YOU feel responsible for HIM acting like a selfish, arrogant, ignorant bastard.
Did you tie him up and force him to have sex with other women ?
Did you create a dating app for him and set him up on dates ?
No ?
Then YOU are NOT responsible for him cheating, lying and putting your whole families health and happiness down the bloody crapper !

You will never be able to trust him again, and I doubt you'd ever want to keep him in your bed either, knowing where his dick has been (or not knowing !)

Show him the door, or you will simply extend the heartache and upset for all of you.

PicsInRed · 23/08/2020 16:55

Ah, the old "if you leave me I'll take the kids away because you're so nuts" line.

Does he leave you alone to care for the kids now?
Course.
Not very concerned, is he?

If you're presently "insane", whether that means angry at the kids or suicidal or just going completely mad, I bet you're rapidly much better once he's no longer in your head 24/7.

These guys are all alike.

Original poster

KerryAnnexoxo · 24/08/2020 15:15

Thanks everyone for your replies. I've become so miserable, I've been keeping strong but I think it has finally got too much and I'm struggling to manage daily tasks. I need to put a stop to this now or I will spend forever wondering where he really is etc. Thanks again.

OP posts:

MrsSSG · 25/08/2020 11:04

"He has also said if I can't 'get over it' he will take items from the house he has paid for and will use messages I have sent him where I've felt down and a recording where I've been angry with him against me to show I'm an unfit mother"

Bloody hell OP, he's an abusive nasty bastard.s well as a cheat! You deserve so much more.

If you can, I would pretend to try to get over it but all the while sorting out a plan to leave. Save money, call women's aid for help and gather any evidence you can against him. Make a plan. even if you don't feel strong enough yet to actually go through with it yet, make the plan anyway.

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