Feeling lonely after baby

[Daisy2220]

Hello,
Before I write this I know everyone is going through tough times right now and I'm sure there are many in my position but I have no one to talk to and am feeling super lonely...
I had my baby girl three months ago and, don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore her and being a mummy is all I've ever really wanted. I wouldn't change it for the world and I love it, which is why I am do confused as to why I feel so low. It's not depression or anything, I just feel lonely and blue. My husband is in the military so we live no where near my family. I have no friends and no clue where to start to make any. Obviously baby groups and things aren't open yet around here and my husband is going away for three months soon and I am scared if being trapped at home alone with no one to see or talk to. I desperately don't want my baby to pick up on me feeling like this.
My relationship has changed so much since baby was born-husband seems to think everything is normal but I feel really different. I love him so much but he is really irritating me and I don't know why! We haven't had sex in ages because baby cries whenever we try and I don't even want to really-just feel like we should to try and get back to normal. I feel like everyday is the same and I have nothing to look forward to. I thought I would be on cloud nine right now...and part of me is but there is a constant underlying sadness which I can't get rid of. It think it's that I miss how me and my husband used to be together- I just want to feel like me again and get our relationship back to normal but I don't know. I don't know how to make friends and create a life here.
I know this isn't a huge problem compared to a lot of people- I just need someone to talk to and get it off my chest I guess.
Sorry for the rant!

I cant help but

Please don't undermine your feelings as not being as important as everyone else's. I suffered badly with loneliness after my first baby. I felt jealous of my partner being able to go to work and be in 'the real world'. He got to socialise with others and i longed for that. It was difficult and for me i hit the peak when baby was 12 weeks old. By the time he was 6 months i began to feel the pressure lift. I am quite an introvert but i connected on SM baby groups and found some amazing support groups and i was amazed at how many people there were who felt the same. Also, i found my relationship did dwindle in the first few months as well adapted to being 'mum and dad' and not our normal names. We made time for each other and dedicated time when baby was asleep to just communicate and play board games and just being silly really. It massively helped and now we have 2 amazing babies and i don't feel that loneliness anymore. Your feelings are important so talk to your husband so he can help support you too. I know your situation is slightly different work wise but for now you need to keep talking to each other and have some alone time. Everything will fall into place i promise

It might be worth getting checked out for PND.

I wonder if hormones are something to do with this. Your still a very new mum at three months in.

Other than that I think you lack stimulation and friends too. You say you have nothing to look forward to so you clearly would like to go out to see places and go to events but the sound of it. Totally understandable. Is there an online course you could go on? Do something new whilst you are in lockdown?

Hormones can be really rough, I suffered so badly until about 6m, to the point where I thought I might have PND, but these feelings of loneliness and never ending-ness seemed to peak for me at about 5pm, like a wave 😭 it was awful but I did realise and accept it was hormone related. Where in the uk are you? It’s so so hard with a little one so young. Are you on Facebook? Try local Facebook parenting groups, pop something on there and a million mums will straight away offer to go on walks etc with you. I’ve found most of my mum friends from asking random mums how old their babies are and striking up convos. If there’s a specific time that’s hardest for you, maybe plan in a face time call with a family member? Or if DH is away/working a lot plan a long weekend and take baby to your family? It may be scary but if it’s something to look forward to it might give you a boost? Also, I’m a teacher and was feeling pretty lost after my second baby, so decided to do a little tutoring and it really has given me a new lease of life- is there something you can do that might give you an hour a week being ‘you’ again? Finally (sorry- such a rambler!) local to me (Hampshire) we have an amazing group called mums in mind, on fb, who are mums who have had/have MH issues such as PND, or are just having a tough time. They meet once a month for a coffee after kids bedtime. See if there’s anything like that for you! Oh, I so wish you find your people. You’ll be ok and you won’t even remember these feelings when you look back at this time xxxx

I think your message is so typical of how many new mums feel. It rocks the dynamics of the relationship between you and your other half and the sleep deprivation and hormones don't help! It's also a time where you expect more than staying at home with little company and so little to do all day.

Try not to worry about the sex, that will come back in time I'm sure.

It looks like a few groups are starting up in September and going to these will really help. Try googling music groups for toddlers, sensory, nct, play groups etc.

You've had a baby at a really difficult time and it can be lonely. You'll be ok, give it a few more months.

Do you live in quarters? I live very close to a garrison and have lots of ex army friends. They all talk back with fond memories of it being really sociable and people all looking out for each other, especially when the men have gone away.
Do you have a welfare office you could talk to about passing your details to any other new mums in the area. Even if it's just someone to see for a cuppa or a walk round the block it would be a start.
As for baby groups, I went to 3 and it was very short lived. All anyone talked about was how amazing their baby was and how advanced they were and what stuff they'd had to buy for their perfect prince/princess 🤢
What hobbies do you enjoy? Could you join a local group for that whilst your hubby is still here? Then hopefully you will have met someone for when he's away. 💐 it must be tough for you x

Thank you for all the lovely comments-

I guess I hadn't considered how having a baby would change our relationship! I know that's silly because of course it does! So it has just been a huge shock not being able to spend any time together really and I am mourning how we used to be. We just need to make more of an effort though and I guess it's early days still.

We live in military housing but half an hour away from the base so there isn't as much of a community like where we were last posted. I can look into meeting others though, thanks Daffodils.

I don't really have specific hobbies to be fair. I just finished an open university degree so was kind of looking forward to the break from studying 24/7! I guess it's the getting out and seeing people I need a little bit so I will definitely look into baby groups and things as soon as they are available and hopefully I will meet some people that way.

Going to visit family is a good idea-I guess I'm anxious about taking baby so far in the car. I worry about getting stuck in traffic and not being able to get to her if she's crying-or not being able to feed her etc...that is a whole other situation though I guess and something I need to just deal with really because I definietly want to take her places especially when husband is away.

Hopefully it is just hormones and things will feel better with a bit if time.

Thanks again everyone for all the advice-feels better to get it of my chest xx

I didn't stop crying every day until about 5months. Hormones took me on an amazing ride! My daughter is almost 2.5 years old and since about 16months I started to start doing hobbies again. I'm an introvert so I don't really do the baby group thing but I used to take my daughter to swimming lessons and sit out at my regular Cafe. When my parter wasn't working we had family days where we would go out and spend the day out/picnic etc. Its still early days for you, things will gwt better